I should be doing homework right now. Then again, I felt it would be a good idea to write this now because if I don't, I might forget some stuff.
Sunday
It was a boring hell of a day. Supposed to be reserved for half of my weekend homework, the only thing I accomplished was writing my personal essay for my application to receive the Harvard Prize Book award. I went with my dad to his friends house to try and help with his computer, since he said it wasn't working as fast as usual. Going over there always kinda creeps me out. He lives in the ghetto, for lack of a better word, yet he's got a respectably fast computer and large TV. He lives with his girlfriend, who has been lying in a hospital bed for years without leaving it because her body is deteriorating. Yeah, it's definitely something that I don't like to see, but my dad's a saint for visiting him as much as he does, my mom's just as good for bringing sandwiches home from work so that they can eat, and I've known that guy since I was like, two years old, and he's good at heart. Our house may not make us look magnificent, but my family is a pretty caring bunch of people.
Anyway, I couldn't get anything done with the computer. I have no idea why. The guy claims that he could give two shits less about the files on it, so I'll probably go over and reformat it over the next weekend to get it working right again. Maybe I'll dust it out, too, because it definitely needs that.
Monday
After stalling the day before, I finally got up at about 5:00 AM and started reading my book. It took me the whole fucking day to read it because I kept getting interrupted. I didn't finish until about 5:15 Tuesday morning, and that was because I had to rush to do it in order to write the project that was supposed to go along with it and get turned in that day. I'm sure I'll read the last few chapters soon so I can get a real feel for the ending. Anyway... those interruptions... We had to call the phone company down because our house phone was all kinds of fucked up. When he showed up, I had to wait at the door while he went around the neighborhood checking the lines. It actually wasn't that bad, because I got to sit at the front doorstep and read with nothing but the sound of nature and the neighborhood traffic around me. I would've climbed into my tree in the front yard, but I didn't want to risk upsetting my allergies, considering it's now Spring and I have a gigantic mulberry tree in the front.
I really need to stop putting things off, seeing as I would read some, then fall asleep for a little, then repeat the process.
Tuesday
Could've been much better. I had to zoom through the project that was due today in English, get ready for school, etc. It's a miracle that our spiral notebooks weren't due in that class too, or I'd be off to a very bad start in the gradebook for this quarter. In my standards, my start in the gradebook in PreCalculus isn't great. We had a quiz today, and on the one graphing problem, I totally blew off that it was an inequality, so it's not a perfect paper. Oh well. It shouldn't kill my grade too much, especially since last quarter's grade was over 103%. At lunch, I had to figure out how to do the Chemistry homework that I didn't do. The rest of the schoolday wasn't really that interesting.
The ride home was pretty interesting. I didn't feel like dealing with the one-lane road that Rainbow has become, so I tried taking Hacienda. We cut through a little bit of traffic by cutting through the desert, but the line to turn left from Hacienda to Rainbow was still pretty long, so it took a few cycles through the lights before we got to go. On the way to Sarah's house, I tried speeding up to switch lanes, but Eric Barnes decided to be uncool, and kept pace with me. Finally, I had to slow down to get over. Asshole. After dropping Sarah off, it was down Flamingo to drop Chris off. So many people cut you off that it's ridiculous. I anticipate their dickish maneuvers, and switch lanes accordingly. I wanted to get back at this old bitch, so I made sure to cut her off before we got to the next stop light. People shouldn't be so careless when it's raining on the streets. Then, from Torrey Pines down to Jones, some fucker started using the shoulder as a lane. Now, I do this when I'm going to be turning soon, but this fucker got in the lane right after Torrey Pines. If you know the area, you know that it's another 1/3 of a mile until there's another driveway to turn right into. I decided to give the guy a scare and I swerved into the shoulder right in front of him. Afterward, he got back into the righthand lane. That's right, bitch.
The day went by as it usually does, with me doing nothing and then falling asleep. I woke up at about 10:30 and insisted on getting something to eat because I was starving. When I came back upstairs, I checked my phone. I had received a text from this girl I know, but it was written to a girl. I got the feeling that she texted to the wrong number. However, she did mention her new blog, which I found on Myspace. In it, she mentioned me and how she was disappointed that I'm not gonna play 'Mr. Right' for her. It kinda portrayed me as the bad guy, which never makes me feel good. Yeah, I knew before I asked her that she was flirting with me, but assumptions leave room for misconceptions, so I had to make sure and ask. I had to find out if she was getting led on by me because I didn't want her to be. It's not that I'm completely uninterested in her right now, it's just that I didn't want her getting her hopes up on something so uncertain. We go to different schools and I know her through diving. We barely know each other, so it's a little early to decide what's up. She's a senior, and will probably be moving away after the summer to go to college.
All that aside, I can't say for certain that I can handle a girlfriend right now. I'm worrying the hell out of myself with school and diving and my physical health regarding it. Throwing in a girlfriend right now would cause me to create more obligations for myself to talk on the phone every night and do more on weekends than I already do, because I believe my significant other should receive attention, regardless of my other affairs. Believe me, I'd love to go to the movies all the time, but I usually only have the car late Friday night - when I should be having dive meets - and then all of Saturday night, and I just love going to SkyMania too much not to go once a week (Saturdays). Dorky, but whatever. I'm a SkyManiac. Shoot me.
I've gotten off track. My point here is that, contrary to what she customarily constitutes being an 'inconsiderate asshole', in reality I'm trying to be the opposite. I don't want her to be getting her hopes up if I don't even know what I want right now. It has been my personal experience that when rejection - for lack of a better word - comes sooner, it's easier news to take.
Please don't think I like doing the things I do. I mean, Christ, relationships and relationship attempts have been grim for me for quite awhile. It's never the usual breakup in my life. With Jessica W., I should've told her sooner that we'd grown far apart; instead, I let it go on for another couple of months. Hailey led me on, rejected me, went out with one of my good friends, and then ended up asking me out a year later, to which I felt inclined to reject due to the lack of communication over the past months, where she or I could have changed more than the other expected. I thought my relationship with Marlena was good, but it turned out to be a huge act, and she threw me away like a parking ticket. I'm an absolute asshole for doing what I did to Lilian. I'm not much better for straightforwardly asking Cecilee if she loved her boyfriend or not and whether or not she thought we would go out. And now I've tried to prevent heartbreak before a feeling got too carried away, but that didn't turn out right either.
"That's what life is: A series of down endings."
-Dante Hicks (Clerks, 1994), relating to Star Wars: The Empire Strike Back
Thanks for reading.
Take it easy, but strike hard.
Vaniah Schwenoha
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