Who do you have a crush on right now?

I've been postponing answering all of my questions because I didn't know how to answer this. I think I do now, so here goes...

I have a crush on a girl named Lauren, but I have an attraction to Melissa that's more than a crush. I can elaborate more on this if anyone really wants to know.

Hit me with your best shot.

Strangers

2010-03-11

5:23am

I went on Chatroulette last night for the first time by myself. At first it was to keep me awake so I could finish a homework assignment, but it ended up being kind of fun. I talked to a bunch of strangers about what they do, what kind of music they listen to, and what I'm doing with my life. It's pretty interesting how technology has enabled us to talk to people we otherwise never would have even seen walking down the street.

Another place full of strangers I recently visited was the DMV. Ah, yes, the place to go when you just can't wait to... wait. First I sat in a line of cars looking for a spot for at least twenty minutes. Then I waited in the line of people, which stretched 40 bodies deep outside the door of the place, just so I could talk to someone initially. She gave me a number, and I proceeded to wait for another hour and a half inside for the number to be called. This was followed by a 90-second interaction between myself and the woman who billed me $18 for a one-trip permit so I can drive my car back to Las Vegas this weekend, and then finally she sent me to the 'inventory pick-up' line, where I waited another ten minutes to physically get the slip.

I'm pretty sure this works differently at the DMV in Las Vegas because I remember license plates and certifications being something you could get when you saw someone after your number was called, but for whatever reason the DMV here in LA found it necessary to create a separate line just for that. Then again, the DMV here is probably ¼ the size as the one in Vegas, and has much more seating for those who are waiting. With the ever-present need for every driving resident to visit the DMV, you'd think they'd continuously open more offices to reduce wait time. You'd think that, but I suppose that would cost everyone more money, which many states can't afford to do right now - especially California.

Spring break next week. I hope the Volvo makes it from here to Vegas and back. Though.. It may not pass smog once I get there, in which case I'll end up leaving it there to get fixed and registered, so I guess I should primarily be hopeful that the car makes it to Vegas, period.

Stay healthy. Be happy.

~Vaniah Schwenoha

Tomorrow

2010-03-04

4:03am

Would you believe me if I told you that when I said "To be continued tomorrow" at the end of my last entry, that I had intended to title my next entry 'tomorrow?' Yeah, me neither, but it was worth a shot. Anyway, let's hit a few points, probably as randomly as we can.

School is so taxing. I want to do well, I really do. It's just that there's always so much to do all at once. I can't concentrate on every subject at once, and because of that, every grade suffers. I honestly think that I'd rather take a five classes separately, which last only 1/5 as long as a semester, than take five classes all at once over the span of the entire semester. The workload just piles up, and I end up missing one class because I need to finish homework in another, and then to make up for the work in the class I missed, I end up neglecting work in yet another class. This cycle repeats itself until finals week, and then I pretty much stare blankly at all of the material I'm supposed to already know and I start learning it a week before I get tested on it. It gets much harder as I progress in courses here, because everything is getting so much more complex.

Kickbacks here in LA aren't the same as kickbacks back home in Vegas. Most of the ones back home are people talking and hanging out, listening to whatever music they feel like listening to on that particular night. Here, people converse, but there's such a different mood to it. At least half the people you're hanging out with here are thinking to some degree about hooking up at the end of the night, and if you can't dance to the music, it's not coming from the stereo. And by 'dance,' I mean 'grind.' I just had a conversation with one of my friends tonight about how he wants a lot more girls to come by for kickbacks. Being a guy, of course I agree that more female company is welcomed, but really... If they come, I want them to come to enjoy our company, not as potential hookups. If a couple guys get lucky, then that's great, but let's make comradery our primary goal of the night.

For anybody who was wondering who I was talking about at the end of my last entry, it was Melissa. There were some other girls I wanted to hang out with, too, but that was mostly because I thought they were cute, and didn't have anything to do with how well (or not) I can hold a conversation with them. Melissa was both - cute and conversational. I told her about it after I came back to LA, and that was basically the end of it, as it usually is between us. One of us always tells the other that we like them, but most of the time neither of us tells the other until after the fact. It's a fun game of tag, I suppose.

That trend was broken just recently, when she and I discussed how we feel about each other. The results of that discussion are still tough to process. She likes me, but isn't ready to move on. Does that mean I should wait? What about this girl in LA who I've been talking to? I like her, too, but aside from a little online conversation last semester, I didn't start talking to her until my fraternity's date dash, which essentially 'nudges' us into being social. Then again, I asked her instead of any of the other 250 girls I know at USC. More than that, I already said it - I like her. She's nice to talk to, she's not superficial, and I enjoy her company when we hang out.

On the other hand, I feel the same about Melissa. I know from the past that I can be just friends with Melissa if nothing happens, but does that hint that I subconsciously want nothing to happen, or am I just okay with settling? If it's the former, then I should just accept that we're friends; but if it's the latter, then how can I let this opportunity pass? What happens if it's the latter and I'm proactive about it? Will the distance concern me? It's as if I'm debating having a friend in Melissa and something more with Lauren, or having a friend and something more with Melissa. Two months ago I wanted to be moving on and involved with someone. Now I feel like I'd be less concerned on my own. Luckily I'm getting pretty good about suppressing my concerns, and just seeing how things play out.

I've been going through some of my old conversations with people lately. They're pretty entertaining to read. Some are funny because the dialog is just quick and witty, and some are funny because I can't believe the garbage my friends and I have said to each other, and how we're still friends after all of it. I should pick some good conversations and send them in emails or Facebook messages to the people I had them with.

I need a new closing signature...

Bitch, moan, repeat

2009-12-23
4:29am

So.. I wasn't aware that anybody really checked up on this thing anymore, since the last lengthy entry I left in it was almost a year ago, but it seems I have at least one avid reader out there, who was gracious enough to leave a comment and provide some insight and perspective to the subjects I discuss with myself.

A year is a lot to cover, so I think I might just fast forward to this past semester. What shall we discuss first? With enough time, I might be able to cover girls, grades, finance, and self discovery. Let's dive in, shall we?

Summer ended pretty mildly. It had been a month or so since my breakup with my last girlfriend, and for the first time in a pretty long while, I wasn't constantly thinking about girls. It was actually a pretty nice mindset I was in, just letting everything flow. Once I moved back to Los Angeles and into my fraternity's new house, we started having small weekly parties on Friday nights. Mostly, I was just interested in having a good time, and beer pong became a bit of a focal point in our back lot. One night, my roommate Geoff had brought his girlfriend Jamie over. I remembered my roommate telling me last spring that his girlfriend had a roommate who was a little lonely, so I asked about her. Jamie told me that she had gotten into a relationship over the summer, so I told her I understood and was ready to brush it off immediately, but after I asked about her, Jamie insisted I meet her anyway. I told her I'd be down to meet her, but just as a new friend, 'cause I don't like the idea of getting in between a couple. Jamie said that was fine, but expressed her lack of faith in her friend when she told me that we could just be friends until she broke up with her boyfriend. Jamie's confidence in this relationship failing was made even more apparent when she pointed out to me that this girl's boyfriend goes to school in Nebraska.

And so this is how I met Ashnoo. She came over, I introduced myself, we had a couple drinks, and then we started to play beer pong together against Geoff and Jamie. Afterward, we decided to play a few rounds of Taboo to pass time, and at the end of the night, Geoff and Jamie rode their bikes back to Jamie's house while I walked Ashnoo home. It was a good night, if nothing else. Over the next couple of weeks, I talked to her a little bit more, but before long, I realized that I was chasing a girl with a boyfriend, and told myself I didn't want to be doing that. We still talk, and I study with her in the library every now and then, but.. I dunno. She texted me today, actually. One of the first things she told me was that she broke up with her boyfriend last night. Not sure what to make of that, so I'll just continue being her friend unless anything changes.

It wasn't long before another girl came unexpectedly into my ever-developing picture of a love life. One night, after a home football game, a few of my friends and I went out and sat on the front porch to go people-watching. This has become one of our favored activities to partake in, particularly when the Shrine Auditorium across the street holds its monthly raves. Anyway, we're outside, watching ravers go by and guessing their ages, when I meet Angeli. Angeli lives on the same floor as Layne in the dorms, and Layne is this girl who has taking a liking to Jonathan, one of my best friends in LA. Both Layne and Angeli are freshmen, and they live on the same floor as a couple of guys who pledged my fraternity, so they're getting to know us pretty well.

I didn't think much of meeting Angeli, especially since one of the pledges was talking to her most of the first night I met her. Then, a few days later, Jon let me know a little in advance that Angeli was going to ask me to go with her to her sorority's semi-formal invite. It was unexpected on my end, but once I knew, I figured I might as well talk to her a little more. I actually made a bit of an ass of myself one night, when my brother was in town and we ended up getting drunk and going back to the dorms with her, where I got a little sick. That didn't seem to matter, though, because the next night we went on our first date. We went to dinner, then to get frozen yogurt for dessert, then back and forth between my house and her dorm, talking the entire time. It was impressive, spending six hours with someone I had just recently met. At the end of the night, I hugged her goodbye and walked home.

The next few weeks went by pretty smoothly. She went with me to one of my fraternity's date dashes, and then the next night I went with her to her sorority's invite, and we started getting into a nice swing of things by watching House together on Monday nights, visiting in person with each other shortly on most other days, and constantly holding instant message conversations with each other on Skype.

One of the things I was happiest with myself about when dating Angeli was that I was open with her about everything. I told her that I have a history of falling too hard too quickly, and I told her that I would try my best to just let things happen naturally between us. She seemed to be okay with it, and nothing I did seemed like it could scare her off... At least, not until she told me she didn't want to date anymore.

Within a few weeks of hanging out with each other, I asked Angeli if she would be my girlfriend, but she politely refused, telling me that she didn't want to be committed to a relationship at the time. I respected it, but also knew that we were practically seeing each other exclusively at that point, so to me, we were simply 'dating.' I was able to say that for around six weeks, while I let things sit on the back burner. I was quite proud of myself, not insisting that anything progress, but instead deciding to let things be for weeks at a time before checking in to see what she thought about 'us.' Then, one day, literally out of nowhere, she told me she didn't think we should be doing what we had been doing anymore. Well, actually it seemed like it was out of nowhere, but realistically it probably had a lot to do with the fact that she was going back home the following weekend, and would be seeing her ex boyfriend.

It's been nearly two months since then, but even for the six-week relationship that seemed to be flourishing so well before that, it's been slightly devastating to me emotionally. I try to tell myself to be happy for her, because she seems to be getting back into things with her ex, who she fell for in the first place, but it's just hard to keep my mind off of what I thought we were heading into. At this point, I would actually be happy to be back in the state of mind I was in when I moved back to Los Angeles, and not be thinking about girls. I'd like that, but it's hard to do when I come home to Vegas - where literally every one of my best friends is in a relationship; where my brother is talking to me about the girl he's hooking up with back home and about the girl he met at a concert the other night, who he went hot tubbing with last night and went to hang out with tonight; and where one of my best female friends is talking to me about the guy she's been hooking up with for the past few weeks. Oh, sweet irony.

So here I am, back in Las Vegas for winter break, and I would be so lucky to have someone to talk comfortably with for these next three weeks. Or maybe even to lie comfortably with. There's someone here who I've started talking to a little more, but I don't think she thinks of me like that. It'd be nice to be with somebody this winter, but if that doesn't happen, then it might actually be better for me.

To be continued tomorrow. It's getting kind of late

Wow

All I can say is that I can't wait for something that nice to happen to me some day.

Chances are I'll still deflect, just to make myself feel better about it, but even I know there's nothing you can do about a love like that. It's unstoppable.

gg

Calling plays

Slow down.

Whatever you're thinking, always re-assess it.

Things can always end well. You just need to let them.

Guilt

2009-01-16

6:06 PM

So, I'm back in Los Angeles for spring semester. It's good to be back, but some differences between here and home get me thinking...

The biggest thing is that I'm alone again, relationship-wise. Cathy and I talked the night before I left, and I told her that I didn't think a long-distance relationship would work out all that well between us. For the most part, that's the truth. After seeing how close Andrea and I got to each other spiritually (might not be the right word to describe it) and how quickly 'we' fell apart and she moved on, I am again a semi skeptic of the long-distance relationship.

Anyway, I told her that, and, after a short silence, she said that she agreed. Except, I could almost tell that she didn't want to say that. It was more of a "if you're happy, I'm happy" kind of agreeance. She seemed okay about it, at the time. But, reading her blog, I see that she feels somewhat betrayed, because it seemed like we might end up in a relationship, but we didn't. I wish she didn't feel that way, because I didn't mean for it to be like that. If I didn't have to be back here, I'd still be with her. It's just that - as I said before - I don't know what to expect from a long distance relationship anymore.

That's it for now...
Vaniah Schwenoha

My New Year's Resolution

2009-01-02

6:00 AM

...Is to settle.

It may not sound like a lot, and it may not be one of those words that you'd normally associate with good, but for me, it will be. You see, I've grown into this person I am today, and I'm starting not to like him.

I used to be all about love. I mean, entirely. I was so content back then, with hope in my eyes and love in my heart. Sex didn't matter to me. What mattered was that the girl I was with could make me happy - that she and I could enjoy each other's company, in any setting. As I reflect on the past year, I can't help but wonder... When did that boy die?

You know, I've been afraid to write about this for the longest time, for fear that the wrong person would read it and I would build a bad reputation for myself. I think it's time, though, that I open up some. I can't help myself unless I confront my imperfections, right?

This summer, I played a lot of people. I'm not sure how it really happened, or what about my immoral self appealed to them, but by the time I had moved back to LA in the fall, I had hooked up with five different girls. Christ, I even lost my virginity to one, not two days after hooking up with another girl.

One was a hookup, plain and simple. We wouldn't have hooked up if she had thought otherwise. The next, unplanned, with someone I had invited to a party as a friend. After her, a 'favor' I was doing for a friend, who had asked me to hook up with his ex so she would stop bothering him. Then, a hookup with an old friend, which seemed to her to be the beginning of a relationship, which I sincerely regret letting her believe.

Finally, the one that got away. The one from those posts just a few months back. Our 'relationship,' if that's what you would call it, was a backwards one. A kiss, just a few days after meeting each other, followed by a few weeks of deep conversations and only hand-holding. Soon, it was less than that, and now, even less. She revived that boy within me, for a moment. Soon, though, he was hidden again, behind a shroud of emotion and a regret for opening his big mouth. I was desperate. All I wanted to do was find a way to forget her, to keep my mind off her. Suddenly, I was downstream again... Fell back into that summer mentality. Too hurt by my desire for love, I regressed into a lackluster desire for lust. Once again, I blinded myself into thinking it was okay to flirt with multiple girls all at once.

My resolution is to find that boy again, and not lose him this time. No more random hookups. No more "keeping my options open." No more games.

I want to love again. Help me, please.

Happy New Year,
Vaniah Juniper Schwenoha

Hello there!

2008-12-16

12:32 AM

Okay, so.... I'm back. Sorry for the series of super depressing entries. I just had a run-in with some old habits and emotions. You see, I have this really bad quality about me, and it's that when I get to like someone, I fall for them pretty hard. Sure, I guess you can say a lot of people do that, but the thing is that I'm always stupid enough to express it fully, and that's what scares people. I've watched myself do it a few times, and every time, I tell myself I've learned not to do it, and I tell myself that I've learned more about what doesn't work... But I always find myself back in the same position. It's my downfall, I suppose. However, I am trying to work on it. I guess the best I can do for now is to say that, and to remind myself of it whenever I need to think before speaking... Or acting...

Anywayy... The semester is ending, and I can't believe it's already been this long. I mean, really... I've only written three times this semester. Why can't I find time to write in here anymore?

Regardless of the whole ordeal with Andrea, it's been a spectacular semester! The fraternity has progressed.. We've gained more intelligent, respectable men, who have learned from us, and who have taught us as well. I've bonded more with my friends from last year, especially living with some and coordinating events with others. And most importantly, I've managed fair grades this semester, which is all my mom ever asks of me, so I'm glad to have done that =)

Well, like I said.. The semester is ending, but it's not quite over yet. Maybe I should get back to studying for my last exam, which starts at 8:00am =x

See you soon ;-D
Vaniah Schwenoha

*sigh*

2008-11-08

2:48 PM

*Note: This was actually written on October 6th. Figured I might as well just publish it for any of you who actually read this.

I thought I knew her... Turns out I just knew a lot about her. Not enough, though.

Feelings, emotions, connections erased, it seems... just as quickly as they were written.

She did warn me, I'll give her that.

That's why I don't want to be angry at her.

I'm more angry at myself, really.

Said too much... Pushed too much... Trusted too much.

Fuck the distance, for sure...

'til next time, I suppose... Next time I meet an incredible girl.. Next time I just 'click' with someone..

And as for her... Maybe we'll have a next time. I can't expect it soon, though. She's too scared, and deservedly so. I crossed a line. I crossed it far too soon and without enough warning. And just like that, things turned around 180º. One night, we're talking, joking, laughing, holding hands.. The next, she's reluctant to see me, to call me, to talk to me. Funny, how that works. Somehow, I took a mutual attraction between her and I, and by simply addressing that attraction, I derailed the entire thing.

"That would be fucked up of me, if you just told me that and I said I didn't want to talk to you anymore."

Well, good thing you didn't say it, right?

Back to an old closing...

Actions speak louder than words...

Vaniah Juniper Schwenoha

P.S. ~ If you read this, Andrea, please forgive me. I forgive you. I just... wish you would talk to me, that's all...

Because I can't directly say it to you, for fear you may push me away...

1 October 2008

1:53 AM

I can give you space...
I can give you time...
Just don't ask me to give you up...

Emotion

16 September 2008

11:45 PM

It would be tough to describe my emotional state right now. I'm experiencing so much, all at once. Happiness... Grief... Stress... Relief... Love...

Assuming I actually take the time to write out everything running through my mind right now, this entry may touch upon all of those, so please, bear with me.

Last time I wrote was at the end of spring break.. Oh man.. How things have changed since then...

Mmm... Summer was great. I got some work done by taking Calc III during second session. Because my summer school session was the same as Niki's, and because our classes were at the same time, He and I started going to the gym regularly, and I actually started to build muscle, which never really happened when I used to go to the gym a few years ago. I hung out with my friends quite a bit, which was great. I missed spending time with them =)

At the end of July, I was at a friend's house partying and I met a girl. Sounds typical enough, right? Surprisingly though, even to me, this was a unique experience. She walked in with a couple of her friends, and I was on the other side of the house when she did. I immediately noticed her, but did not immediately take any action. Throughout the night, I would introduce myself to her, ask her to do me a small favor or two (like handing me a couple beers from the fridge), and tease her. Then, something happened. I'm not sure how, but we started talking - first about small stuff, as most people do at parties. But then our conversation got much deeper. We talked about life goals and our pasts and our passions. We talked for about an hour or an hour and a half. The conversation went on endlessly, and from that point on, I was hooked. Never had I connected with anyone in such a way. It was amazing. At the end of the night, we said goodbye, and I asked for her phone number, and once I got home the next day, I found her on MySpace.

Once I started talking to her on MySpace, on AIM after, and eventually over the phone (which I love doing, btw), I started wondering when the time would come when we would run out of things to talk about and things would get awkward between us. But then, an entire week went by, then two... And now it's been over a month and a half, and conversation is as pleasant as ever =)
I mean, yeah, there are points where we're silent on the phone, but it's never been awkward. It's comforting, actually, to just sit silently, knowing she's on the other end of the line...
=D
Mm... Because of the short amount of time we had to spend with each other before I left (and some other minor factors) we decided when I moved that we should remain friends for now. I still talk to her every day, though. It makes me really happy =)

Moving off of that.. I'm back in Los Angeles now, and school has started. We're already in the fourth week, which is awesome because things are going so fast, and vacation will be here in no time =)
I'm only taking four classes this semester since I took Calculus over the summer, which takes a load off of me. The workload is starting to get heavier this week, though, which sucks. Oh well. I'll manage with it. Fraternity things are going well this semester, and I'm excited about that. Can't give out many details, but I just wanted to mention it, heh.

I found out that Chris Conzen died today. It was really shocking to hear about. The more I think about it, the more I realize he affected so many people, including me. When I think back, I can honestly say that he was a major influence in terms of where I am today. He taught me a ton about computers. He was there the first time I took one apart, and explained how to properly put it back together. He got me more interested into my entire field of study. That's crazy...

*sigh* ... I really wanted to write more in here, about everything, but I can't take the time tonight to do it. Umm... If I don't write again soon, feel free to leave a comment and let me know what you'd like me to write more about.

Rest in peace, Conzen.
Vaniah Schwenoha

Busy

17 April 2008

11:12 PM

Sorry about not updating in awhile. I still don't know if I want to update right now. For now, please take pleasure in reading this other blog. It's very deep writing, so be prepared.

http://tlfdblog.blogspot.com/

Have fun
Vaniah Schwenoha

Forget injuries. Never forget kindnesses.

25 March 2008

3:17 AM

Confucius. Wise man, imo.

Spring break was good. I was only in Vegas for four days, really, but I did so much.

• I saw a free preview of a movie. Something I don't get to do so much out here.
• I went to SkyMania. Also something nonexistant in LA.
• I went to Sonic Drive-In. Closest to my apartment here is in Anaheim, 25 miles away.
• I went to Wal*Mart. Never been to one out here because I don't have a car.
• I setup remote access to all of the desktops in my house. Now troubleshooting with my dad should be much easier from 275 miles away.
• I hung out with a friend from high school who I had previously never even really talked to outside of class.

but most importantly, I brought some people together who I doubt would not have come together without third-party influence. Particularly, I got Niki to hang out with everybody else. For those who don't know, Niki hasn't hung out with Chris, Dallas, and the rest of the group in months. It may be quite a bit egotistical, but I think that he wouldn't have hung out with them had it not been for Ron's trip to Cali, which brought Niki into interaction with Alexa, and other plans in Vegas to hang out. I really hope he starts to hang out with them more often. I don't think our connections within that circle of friends were meant to get lost as we transitioned from high school to college.

I'm not sure how much I'm worth in this world, but I do believe that any one person can make a beneficial change in peoples' lives.

Sleep well.
Vaniah Schwenoha

Cynthia

24 February 2008

12:58 AM

That was her name - Cynthia...

Brittney Rufkahr's mom passed away last night. Almost eerie how I just wrote about her in my last entry... About how many of us can not - will not - feel her pain. We will all die, though. The only thing to worry about then is how the ones you leave behind will deal with it. I hope, I pray that Brittney will be able to make it through such a hard time. If she makes it through this, she will be stronger than she has ever been. She's already stronger than me, that's for sure. I haven't had to deal with my parents separating. I haven't had to live with an extremely close family member who has suffered day in and day out as a cancer victim. I haven't had to put my life on hold for anything, ever. She has. She has and she's still accomplished so much. She went through it and she still graduated high school in a white robe. She kept up in school and even managed to get jobs - to integrate herself into the real world. She's taken this semester off in college and she still has the heart to ask me how mine is working out. It's amazing, the hands some people are dealt in life. And it's even more amazing how those people can take what they've been dealt and run with it.

That's all I have to talk about right now.

I wish you all the strength in the world, Brittney.
Rest in peace, Cynthia. You're free now.

Skip

18 February 2008

1:47 AM

Every once in awhile, I feel like writing about something important to me, but then I think that I need to catch my blog up on the past month or two before I can actually write about what I want to write about. Having thought about it just now, I realize that I should be writing what I feel when I feel it, regardless of having to 'catch up' on the other shit and trying to write about what I don't necessarily want to write about. So I've decided not to obligate myself to write about that stuff. If at some point I have some extra time and want to write about it, then I will, but other than that, you can just ask me about the two months missing from this blog. Let's do a brief summary just to give you an idea of what you might want to ask about if you're interested...

Winter break was awesome! It was great to be back home for those three weeks.

I rushed and am currently pledging for Sigma Alpha Mu fraternity.

Classes have been going great so far this semester.

My social life is fucking thriving right now. I love it.

Alright. That sounds like enough. Moving on... The rest of this entry might seem kinda random. I might talk about a variety of things. Some may be depressing, some may be uplifting. Just depends on how much I feel like writing, I guess. Here goes...

Michael Mausbach died shortly after the new year. It's sad to think about, really. I mean, it hasn't been more than nine months since my graduating class walked out of the Orleans Arena, heads held high, smiles on every face. Less than nine months and two of those smiling, hopeful faces lie in the ground. It's sad. It's really sad. And a friend in one of my classes had a friend who was shot and killed in the recent NIU shooting. It's a fucked up world, I'll tell ya...

I was driven to write tonight while MySpacing, actually. I was looking at Brittney Rufkahr's pictures and came across one of her and her mom. I think I remember hearing about the first time her mom was diagnosed with cancer. I heard about it when I was a junior. In a way, it has and hasn't been all that long since then. Looking at pictures of her, though, you'd think she'd been to Hell and back over the years, and you'd think she's been fighting her battle for an eternity. It just makes me think about how much I don't know about life. And this goes both ways. I don't know how much beauty there is in the world. I don't know what I've missed out on seeing by having lived in Las Vegas through the first eighteen years of my life. But I also don't know pain. Real pain. It's not something I would wish upon myself or any other individual, but really, can you imagine the kind of pain a cancer victim has to go through? How can you possibly know without being a victim yourself? How can you know the pain that comes with a heart attack, a severed limb, a collapsed lung? They're things some of us in the world will experience, though some of us never will. Some of us will never know. Is it too awkward to say I want to know? I suppose it is.

Don't like, call the cops or get me admitted to a psychiatric institution or anything after reading this. I'm not suicidal or anything, haha.

Alright, now that I've weirded everybody out to the extreme... let's touch upon the other extreme...

Pleasure. Such a mysterious feeling, isn't it? In different context, it can mean different things. There's the pleasure of just hanging out with your friends. There's the pleasure of good conversation and time spent with an individual. There's the pleasure of a woman's touch. All call upon the same word to describe the feeling they summon, but all can be described differently. It may not be as intriguing to you guys as it is to me, but I just kinda felt like writing about it.

I'm out of things to write about... For now. I guess I'll see you guys later. Don't be strangers, now. Feel free to call/text/IM me whenever just to talk.

Have fun out there, fellas.
Vaniah Schwenoha

The Adventure

12 January 2008
6:47 PM

Good song. It’s by Angels and Airwaves, if you’re interested in listening to it.

Damn. It’s been so long since I last wrote. I’m writing on the bus back to Los Angeles now, so I don’t have Internet access to check my last entry for where I left off. I know that I haven’t written since before Thanksgiving, though, so I guess I’ll start writing from there.

Coming back for Thanksgiving was great, but definitely too short of a break. I met my brother Richard’s new girlfriend at Thanksgiving dinner, as well as her two daughters. One is ten years old and the other one is sixteen. It was a bit of a surprise to find out she had kids, but the whole lot of them seem really cool. His girlfriend is a looker, too. They seem pretty happy together, and it looks like Richard does well with kids. We played Wii at Thanksgiving dinner, which my sister bought for her boyfriend, Liermann, for his birthday.

The rest of the weekend was spent hanging out with family as much as friends, which was nice, because I didn’t really hang out with family that much when I lived in Vegas, but I do quite a bit now that I’m not always around. I went with my cousins to SkyMania – a much-needed exercise. Friends were supposed to go too, but by the time we went, a lot of people were busy, and had to bail out on me. I didn’t mind, though. I went to the mall on Black Friday, which I don’t think I’ve ever done before. We went at like, 6:00 PM, so it wasn’t too crowded. I got a good deal at Express Men on a T-shirt and two pairs of jeans, and because it was Black Friday, I got a promotional pair of pajama pants with my purchase. Chyeah!

On Saturday, I went to the UNR @ UNLV basketball game. I sat with Chris, Dallas, Alexa, Alma, Alex, Cortney Beasley, and Maricela, but I also saw Sabrina before and after the game and I saw Alicia at half-time, when she and Niki came over to our side to say hello. I bought a UNLV Athletics T-shirt, haha. UNLV won, which I was happy about. It’s kinda sad that I went to a UNLV basketball game before I went to a game for my own school, haha. After the game, Chris and I went over to Angela’s house for Game Night. There were a lot less people there this time than there used to be when I was younger, and would go every Saturday. Back then, I met new people every week because the regulars would bring their friends from work and such. Now, I guess it’s usually just the regulars, and it’s more hanging out than the semi-parties it used to be.

Chris told me he’s jealous of them because they’ve known each other for so long and still hang out with each other at least once a week. I’m not so jealous. I trust that we can be like that in the future, no matter who we end up working for. Imagining something like that, I think about what’ll happen after I get my degree. Maybe there will be some computer hardware company in or near Las Vegas that I can work for, and I’ll be able to come hang out and visit with people like Chris, who might be working his way through the ranks in a nice hotel or high-rise in Vegas.

I think the only other thing I did before I went back to L.A. was go to lunch with my brother Richard one day and with my uncle and cousins another day. Then it was back to my life at USC. I finished out my classes, some with good grades, some… with not-so-good grades, haha. My group in my Engineering Freshman Academy class built our semester project, which was supposed to be a device that allows you to walk on water. You can find video of it on YouTube. On the day we were supposed to present our project, there was a race among the groups across the diving well. The initial goal given was to walk on water for at least five seconds unassisted, but we were confident in our project, so my team wanted to win the race, too. I was the one who used the device, and when the race started, I worked my ass off trying to get across the pool. The only other guy that got a good start besides me fell down about half-way across the pool… but I also fell down when I was about ¾ of the way across. I pushed so hard on my device that the frame of PVC fell apart, which destroyed my balance, and once I was down, there was no getting back up without going back to the edge of the pool. If we had glued the PVC together or if I had gone slower, I’d have won the race easily. In fact, after the race, I put the frame back together and made it across the pool a second time. We came in a weak third in the end, however, losing to the guy who fell down and later cheated by getting help from his teammates and to another guy, who didn’t get a good start, but ended up getting across the entire pool without assistance.

That was one of my big projects for the semester. That course was a credit/no credit course, and I earned credit for it. The other project was the programming of my BoeBot to go through an obstacle course. I’m pretty sure that in the end, my team’s BoeBot made it through the obstacle course with the most precision. We earned a 99% on that project, and I ended up with an A in the course for the semester. I also got an A in Calculus I, which was expected. However, I did get a B- in my Writing class and a C- in my Law, Politics, and Public Policy class =x My GPA after first semester is 3.04. Not bad, I suppose. I’m still eligible for the MGM Mirage Family Scholarship, so I’m happy, and so are my parents.

I relaxed a bit over the weekend between the two final exams I had. On Friday, I celebrated Festivus in Matt’s apartment with the guys from Sigma Alpha Mu and drank with them afterward. I invited this girl, Natalie, over at some point during the night. I went down on my rollerblades to meet her, and she rode her bike back to Matt’s apartment with me. We took a shot when we first walked in, then talked while everybody else played XBOX 360. After a few people left, we decided to play a game of beer pong. I had been on my game pretty well earlier in the night, only losing one of about four or five games that I played. By the time I played with Natalie as my teammate, though, I had lost it. We played ten-cup with three beers instead of two, too, which surprised me because it was Natalie’s suggestion, and I had never played with that much beer with these guys. I think we played two games like that, and later on played one game with six cups and one beer on each side.

Alright, I have to put something in here. We play beer pong on the balcony at Matt’s place. Every once in awhile, a ball will go over the railing and into some bushes, and we lose a lot of balls that way. Well, we’ll usually go look for the ball for a few minutes and ditch it if we can’t find it quick enough. Usually, looking for the ball involves going out the front door, down the hall, out through the building entrance, and around to the side of the building to look. On this particular night, early in the night, instead of going through the front, I decided to just hop over the railing and climb down the wall to grab the ball. I did this a few times, climbing back up after I found the ball. Well, this happened once after Natalie showed up. The second time it went over while she was there, something interesting happened… Natalie decided to climb over the railing and get the ball herself because she thought it looked fun. At first, I was pretty concerned. I didn’t want her falling down and breaking something, especially since this was the first time she had come drinking with me. But she insisted on climbing down, so she climbed over and I held onto her hand to support her weight while she figured out how to climb down. After she climbed down, I came to the conclusion that… this girl is fucking awesome, haha! She’s a more hardcore drinker than I am, she’s really easy to talk to, and she’s a decent ninja, haha. Anyway, I ended up passing out in the middle of the night, and Matt and his friend walked Natalie back to her suite.

The morning, Niki drove over to pick me up. Niki came down for the weekend to pick up his mom from her cruise/have a little fun in San Diego. He drove down to San Diego with Daniella on Friday, stayed a night in his hotel room, and came to pick me up the next day. Before I go on, I want to mention something that I found out about before we left my apartment. If you read through my last post, you’ll notice the one paragraph in there about that girl I met while tumbling, who used to be a cheerleader in high school. Well, I checked my Facebook before I left my apartment, and she had written me a message saying that her friend had seen my blog, told her about it, and that she had read it. She didn’t like what I said about her, and pretty much told me that she has no interest being my friend anymore because of what I said. The thing is, though, that she misinterpreted my blog. See, the way she read it, it sounded like I was planning on breaking up her and her boyfriend so that I could go out with her. Now, I’m not sure who all reads this, but I’d like to think that it’s mostly people who know enough about me to know that I’m not the kind of guy to try that kind of stuff with any girl. I’m usually not one to fight for a girl when there’s another guy involved. She either likes me or she doesn’t. There’s no point in trying to impress her to get her attention away from the other guy. If she doesn’t think I’m a better person, then hey.. her loss. So you see, I never meant for my blog to say that I was planning on breaking two people up, if that’s how you read it. The way I wrote it, what I was trying to say was that if she and her boyfriend broke up for any reason, without my influence whatsoever, I would take an interest in her and try to get to know her. But as long as she and her boyfriend were going out, I’d just be her friend, and hopefully have someone to tumble with out in the quad. Honestly, if I were interested in her as more than a friend right now, I’d at least talk to her more often than whenever I went tumbling. I’d ask her to lunch and or dinner at one of the cafeterias every now and then or something. I actually specifically made sure not to ask her to lunch all that much or even at all because I didn’t want to look like I was coming on to her or interfering with her relationship with her boyfriend.

Now that I’ve gotten that out in the open, I can continue with my story about Niki and Daniella visiting. I sent a message back to Michelle and we left on our way to San Diego. Niki let me drive because he was sick of all the California traffic he had been exposed to in the past couple of days. It took us a few hours to get to San Diego, but eventually we got to the hotel. We chilled there for a bit and then left to Viejas, the casino Niki had picked for us to go to. There was a mall across the street from the casino, so we dropped Daniella off there to go shop around while we played poker. Niki borrowed $100 from me, and I withdrew $60 to play with. We both bought in for $40 at first at the $1-$2 no-limit hold’em table. I lost my $40, bought in with my last $20, and then turned it into about $90-$100 within a few hands. I should’ve left then to go eat dinner, but I got stupid, and didn’t. I played a few hands, and then told myself that if I got back above $100 or got down to $30, I’d leave the table. Well, I went up and down a few times, and then finally got down below $30… and didn’t leave. I lost that $30 plus another $20 I withdrew from the ATM, leaving me $80 down for the night, haha. Niki left the table with about $60, so he was up for the night. He paid me back and we got a late-night meal in the casino, after about five hours of playing poker. We stayed the night in his hotel room, drove to pick up Niki’s mom from her cruise in the morning, stopped at the beach, and then I got dropped off back at my apartment and they drove back to Las Vegas. Overall, it was a fun weekend.

I took my last exam and then packed up and got ready to go back to Vegas for winter break. At 5:00 PM the day before I left, the power went out and… didn’t come back on until 3:00 AM the next day. The guy I was catching a ride with back to Vegas almost decided to leave early because the power was out, but instead we just packed in the dark, put our stuff in the car, and waited ‘til morning to leave. We made it to Vegas in about 4½ hours, stopping at Denny’s for breakfast on the way. I paid for his breakfast since he didn’t ask me to pitch in for gas or anything. My parents also gave him some comp tickets to the Bellagio as a thank-you.

I’ve been writing for about an hour and a half, so I’m going to take a break. If I don’t write more on this bus, I’ll just leave off here and try to recount winter break another day.

Best,
Vaniah Schwenoha

This is your life. Good to the last drop.

17 November 2007

6:01 PM

Well, it's been a few weeks since I've written anything about my life here in LA. I hope I can recount all of it...

I didn't do anything for Halloween, which disappointed me. I'd have gone out to do something, anything, if I didn't have an essay due the next day which I still had to write. Ugh. I hate teachers who give due dates like that. The weekend that followed was homecoming weekend, so everybody was busy. On Saturday, I walked around campus before the game. There was so much going on. Tents were set up everywhere for organizations to use. The ones in the quad were all taken up by fraternities and sororities. I've never seen so much beer pong played in one place, haha. I didn't feel comfortable trying to get in on a game with a random frat, but I did find a guy I knew from my Writing class, and he set me up with one of his friends to play a game with his frat. I played pretty well, considering I hadn't played in awhile. I actually kinda carried the team. I brought us into overtime on redemption, but then we lost by a cup. By then, it was time for the competition cheer squad to perform in front of one of the libraries, so I walked over to check it out. When I got there, they were just setting up, so I helped them lay out the mats. Their performance wasn't bad, but it wasn't amazing, either. Afterward, I helped them carry the mats back to the building they came from, which gave me time to talk to one of the girls about possibly trying out next year. I was told that if I could find more guys who were interested in it, then they'd have coed tryouts. I hope I can find more people.

When I got back to the tent of the frat I was playing beer pong with earlier, they were finishing up because they were running low on beer. It was a small frat, and they didn't have a house on the row or anything, so they were gonna take all of their supplies back to this guy Nate's apartment. Well, they didn't have enough people to carry everything, so I helped them carry stuff, too, kind of as a 'thank you' for letting me drink their beer, haha. The apartment was probably about a mile from mine. They left to go to the game afterward, so I went the other way back to my apartment to watch it on my TV because I didn't have a ticket. I found a few of the guys on Facebook, and on the following Tuesday, one of them invited me to go with them out to dinner. I was pretty excited about this, because it was a chance to get a little farther away from campus than I've been able to go without my own car. We met up on campus, piled into two cars, and drove north. We passed the Staples Center on the way, which I thought was cool, because I had never seen it before. We went to Roy's, a restaurant with Hawaiian fusion cuisine. Apparently, I met these guys at the right time, because on this particular occasion, it was one of the guys', Avi's, birthday, and even though his parents weren't with us, they were generous enough to pay for the entire meal. Long story short, I had an amazing filet mignon dinner with pork ribs and other delicious appetizers for free, and I met a group of guys who are hella cool. We went back to Avi and Matt's apartment after dinner for dessert, which was like, Oreo ice cream cake. Their apartment is pretty nice. They have an XBOX 360 and a Wii hooked up to a huge HDTV, and each guy has their own bedroom. It was Tuesday night, but that didn't stop anybody from drinking a little bit. I stayed sober, but a couple guys took drinks every time they died while playing Halo, haha.

Wednesday was when I found out about Victor, which I wrote about in my last entry. Thursday was uneventful, but Friday was kind of interesting. I went out to the quad again to tumble. I was doing what I normally do out there, but I this time my tumbling encouraged someone else to tumble. I looked over and saw this really cute girl do a roundoff followed by two back handsprings. I applauded her, and she smiled and waved back, so I decided to have a mini battle with her from across the quad. I did a roundoff with like, seven back handsprings or so, so she did the same thing. I didn't really count how much either of us did, but we both proved that we could do a series without struggle. Then I did roundoff, back handspring, back tuck, back handspring, back tuck, back handspring. I'm sure she could have beaten me if she had been practicing every week or two like I have been doing, but when she went, she only did roundoff, back handspring, back tuck. Regardless, I was impressed, so I went over to her and asked her name. Michelle. I asked her if she was a cheerleader, and she said she did it in high school in Texas. I told her that we should tumble together once in awhile, because she's the first person I've found who tumbles who's not on the squad at USC, and I've been looking for someone to tumble with since I've started out here. I didn't want to be a bother by talking too much, so I gave her my card (haha), told her to add me on Facebook, and went back to my own business. I would've looked her up on Facebook myself, but she added me before I got a chance, which I was pretty stoked about. It turns out she has a boyfriend, but it's her boyfriend from high school, who goes to UT. I'm not one to try to break people up, so I'm not gonna push anything on her, but if we hang out every once in awhile, I'll let her know that I'm interested in her, and that if she ever breaks up with her boy, I can always be her rebound ;-D

After talking to Michelle, I stopped tumbling for a bit and joined a couple of guys who were playing frisbee. We tossed around for a bit, but after awhile, one of the guys asked if he could try out my Powerizers. I told him it was fine by me, since I had all of my protective gear with me for him to use. He strapped up, strapped in, and that's where the comedy ensued, haha. He could barely keep his balance without one or two people near for him to hang on to. He fell a couple of times and then decided he'd had enough, and took them off. I put them on after him, and showed him that with a little practice, you get the hang of it, and explained to him that I was just as clumsy when I first started.

Matt texted me that Friday night to let me know that people were going to be drinking at his place later in the night, and that I was welcome. I took a shower, loaded my shoes and ping pong balls into my duffle bag and rollerbladed over to his place. The night started out nicely. I gave Matt $20 to cover beer for the next few times I drink with them. Beer pong was set up out on the balcony. We played 15-cup with two 16-oz. Colt 45's first, and my partner was Brett, the guy I played with in the quad over homecoming weekend. We got ahead at first because I made a bomb (same cup made by both players; counts as the cup made plus any adjacent cups, up to four additional cups), but then the other guys took the lead. We came back a little bit, but I think we lost by two or three cups in the end. Brett was trying to take things slow, but I was still game, so I played Matt heads up in 10-cup, two 12-oz. Coors Light. That game was really good. We went into overtime, and I only lost by one cup. While we played, we talked quite a bit. It was good to finally converse with someone. Usually, Charles and I don't talk that much. I still think it's because he's like, hardcore asian, and speaks Chinese the majority of the time. Anyway, I took a break for the next game, but then Matt and I were teammates against the guys from upstairs, who came down to challenge us. We played with the setup I first played when I started playing beer pong - six cups, one beer per person. I remember that they won the eye-to-eye shot to see who went first, but I wrote it off by saying "That's okay. It's the only shot you'll make all night." Of course, Matt and I dominated that game. We won by at least four cups. We played another game after that, which I think we lost, and after that, I was too wasted to care. I ended up puking in the trash can by the end of the night, and I crashed out on the couch.

I woke up in the morning to loud fucking music blasting through the stereo, which could be turned down not by remote, but by my getting up and turning down the iPod that it was connected to. That pissed me off, but at least I woke up early. Matt was asleep in his room, but he had left a cup of water out for me to drink when I woke up. Being the only one up, I cleaned up the apartment. I grouped all of the plastic cups together and put them in two even stacks on the beer pong table, emptied all the beer cans and started a pyramid with them in the corner of the balcony, and even got bored enough to evenly space the XBOX and Wii controllers on the table, along with the bottles of water that were still partially full. I discovered that I didn't quite manage to get everything in the trash can the night before, so I cleaned up my puke on the chair and carpet as much as I could, but I didn't want to use any towels that weren't meant for that kind of cleaning, so I resorted to using paper towels. I explained my cleaning methods in a note, left it on the chair, and then packed up and went back to my place, where I spent the majority of the day feeling like shit. I puked after I got home, too, which was not nice. The next week in class, Jonathan (the guy who introduced me to all of his frat buddies) told me that my note was framed because, haha. I haven't been over to Matt's place yet, so I don't know if he's bullshitting me or not.

The past week, all I've been doing is schoolwork. There was so much due this week. That's why I couldn't write in this blog. The midterm for POSC which I didn't think I did that bad on... I got a C- on, 73.75%. The last Writing assignment, though, Assignment #3, got a B, which I got pretty excited about. My second midterm in Calculus got a 60%, which was still above the average of 53.76%, but was much worse than the 83% I got on the first midterm.

I go home this week. I'm pretty excited about that =D
Chris reminded me about www.megabus.com, where I bought my bus tickets back for Thanksgiving weekend for only $60. On a non-holiday weekend, I can actually get bus tickets home for only $30, and in the middle of the week, I can actually got home for only $16. I doubt I'll ever go home in the middle of the week, but that's still really cool. I'm gonna try to take my Powerizers home with me to show everybody. That should be fun.

They finally replaced my broken refrigerator yesterday, which started malfunctioning two weeks after I got here. I'm really glad that they finally did. Now I can have cereal for breakfast every morning, like I used to.

That's it.
Bye.
Vaniah Juniper Schwenoha

You never expect it to happen to you

7 November 2007

11:07 PM

I suppose that can be said of anything.
You never expect to get in a car accident.
You never expect to fall in love with someone.
...You never expect to wake up and be told that your brother was seriously injured.

My sister, Angela, called at about 10:00 this morning, which woke me up. I was pretty drowsy, so I accidentally hung up on her while fumbling with my phone. She texted me, I explained what happened, and she called back. I wasn't really sure why she was calling, so I thought it odd for her to be calling me so early, when normally she'd call in the afternoon to talk or she'd just text me. Obviously, family matters are too urgent to send in text messages. Here's how the story goes...

My brother Victor flew in to Vegas on Tuesday because his friend Walter's dad had recently passed away, and Victor wanted to pay his respects. He was only supposed to be in town for a day, and fly back on Wednesday (today) because he had a meeting or something important to attend. Well, I guess he went out last night, to Walter's house. The way Victor told it, according to my dad, was that Walter's dog, a basset hound, hadn't seen Victor in a long time, so it was uncomfortable around him, and growled at him all night. Victor was just petting the dog, and all of a sudden, it freaked out and bit Victor's face. I would never expect a basset hound to really be capable or likely to cause that much damage, since it's not a particularly tall or aggressive breed. Apparently, though, the dog's bite went through Victor's cheek, and sent him to the hospital, where he received numerous stitches. Angela said he got 23, but my dad said it took 29 to patch him up. Either way, the wound is obviously large. My dad emailed a picture of it to me. If you want to see it, IM, email, or message me on MySpace or Facebook. I'd rather not just post it in here for anybody in the world to see.

Victor's still pretty woozy right now, from what I hear. If not from the sedative they gave him while he was at the hospital, then from the pain killers he was prescribed along with his antibiotics. My dad says his lips are so swollen around the wound that he can't close his mouth, and thus can't even suck anything through a straw. Chewing's out of question as well, so until the swelling goes down, he's going to have to get his nutition from some liquid superfoods that my sister bought for him. He has to stay in Vegas until at least next week, which must have a large impact on his studies and plans back in Fremont.

Angela said my mom's been really brash about the whole situation. She thinks the dog should be put down. I'm not sure how anybody's going to go about that situation. She also thinks Victor's going to need plastic surgery to make his face look the way it used to. My dad called about plastic surgery, but they said they typically wouldn't look at what needed to be done until after the wounds subsided. Angela says that the doctors who stitched him up would have suggested plastic surgery if they thought it necessary.

Angela's pretty rational when it comes to just about any situation. She's capable of looking at the big picture before deciding on a plan of action, as opposed to always acting on first instinct. I really wish I were more like that. She's the one who suggested to me that filing a claim with the insurance company for my stolen computer probably wouldn't be of any use because the cost of the parts wouldn't reach the deductible rate. She's also very educated, which helps in situations like the current one. She went out and bought the superfoods, some mineral water that's better for Victor's healing, and I think some ointments or treatments that will reduce the visibility of the scar. I should start reading into things like that - thing with practical uses - in preparation for unexpected things like this.

Thinking about it, my siblings have been through some painful experiences in their lives. I think my oldest brother Richard was the one who broke his collarbone when he got run over by a motorcycle (I think the story I've heard actually somehow places my other brother David on that motorcycle =x). My brother David crashed his motorcycle when he hit a pothole. That was when I was young, and I remember I would piggyback on him while he would do leaning push-ups against the wall with one arm while his broken arm was recovering. Angela was in a hit-and-run accident when I was very little that put her in the hospital, and she also got pretty banged up when she was riding on the back of a motorcycle with a guy and they ended up crashing. And now Victor's been in this incident, which could result in a significant change in appearance that can't be concealed as easily as the asphalt in my sister's knee. Though, thinking more, I realize my siblings are all very lucky in that things could have turned out worse. Victor could have lost an eye from that bite; Angela and David could have had the same fate as CJ. They are alright, though. They are still capable of using both arms and legs, of moving all fingers and toes. Through it all, my family members have been quite lucky in regard to their injuries.

Well, I wanted to write about some other stuff, but it doesn't really fit the mood of this entry, so I'll save it for a later date. It's better that I got this important stuff down first. I actually wrote a lot more than I initially thought I was going to.

Until next time.
Be safe out there.
Vaniah Juniper Schwenoha

WRIT 140 Assignment #3

Vaniah Schwenoha
Stephan Clark
WRIT 140/POSC 130
Fall 2007/Section 64180
1 November 2007
Assignment 3

The Internet Can’t Make It Uphill In Neutral

Holden McNeil, when attempting to explain the concept of the Internet to his oblivious friends in the adventure/comedy Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, states, “The Internet has given everybody in America a voice.” If only the Internet were as simple as Holden summarized it, there wouldn’t be controversial debate concerning the methods in which people should be able to make their voices heard. In truth, the companies that control the usage of the physical resources required to transfer information over the Internet – the broadband providers – are responsible for the distribution of information from those who host web sites – the content providers. Broadband providers control bandwidth – the speed at which information reaches those who access it – in two different ways, both typically based on price. First, they charge different rates for different bandwidths to those accessing the information, which is generally seen as fair because each person is granted equal opportunity to decide which bandwidth to use. Second, broadband providers charge different rates for different bandwidths to content providers, thus deciding how fast information gets out to those who access it. Because, in the latter of the two methods, end-users aren’t given a choice of bandwidth for the information they’re trying to access, there exists the debate on equality of voice. Advocates of what has been fittingly named “network neutrality” desire for everybody’s voice on the Internet to carry equal weight, and want to implement laws that would ensure such equality by requiring broadband providers not to allot higher bandwidths to wealthy content providers simply because they can pay more for it. By establishing uniform rates for all content providers, broadband providers would thus remain neutral in information distribution, and would give end-users the freedom to choose which Internet applications and sites to use, as opposed to choosing preferred applications or sites because they load faster.

The concept of net neutrality seems at first glance to be as straightforward as First Amendment rights to free speech, but in fact, the issue is extremely complex, and requires one to consider many aspects of broadband Internet usage. For example, opposition to net neutrality comes from those who claim that equal bandwidth for all would be economically unnecessary for many content providers and would diminish the overall efficiency of the Internet because of the limited resources available to handle bandwidth distribution. Politically, these proponents of a tiered bandwidth system are in favor of more lenient regulations, while advocates of net neutrality are on the offensive, pushing for broadband providers to have less discretion in the distribution of their bandwidth. Ideally, net neutrality would benefit all users only if the resources available could supply the demand for bandwidth and if those resources were reasonably affordable to be used by all content providers. Until those criteria are met, however, employing a tiered system of bandwidth usage to the Internet serves as the most efficient method of distributing information.

Having a broadband Internet connection simply means having a high-speed Internet connection. Technological advancements yielded the broadband movement, which enabled information to travel across the same copper-based phone network at higher bandwidths. However, the Internet is expanding continuously, and in most areas, technology isn’t. Consequently, the same bandwidth must accommodate greater amounts of information. This dilemma makes net neutrality difficult to accomplish. If it were implemented, bandwidth would be distributed evenly among all available content. Opponents of net neutrality argue that many of applications on the Internet, such as text-based content and still-image websites, don’t need the level of bandwidth they would receive by taking away from the more complex applications, such as streaming video and real-time gaming environments. Taking bandwidth from applications that need it would result in a diminished “quality of service” guarantee between broadband providers to content providers (Singer 36).

The next flaw in net neutrality concerns the economic injustices of sharing bandwidth. In the tiered Internet system, broadband providers can establish contracts with content providers such as game companies to ensure that an enhanced quality of service is upheld, and that applications intended to run in real-time can remain usable (Singer 36). Net neutrality calls for broadband providers to “Enable any content, application, or service” to be offered in a nondiscriminatory way, “including with respect to quality of service, access, speed, and bandwidth,” which would result in voidance of such contracts and decrease profits for broadband providers (United 2). Further, net neutrality would prohibit broadband providers from implementing different rates in the first place, since no content provider would receive higher bandwidth priority than any other. To put it simply, net neutrality would require a broadband provider to charge the same fee to a large content provider such as Google or Amazon as it charges to small content providers, such as a local retail business. As a result, one of two consequences could occur. Either, charges for smaller content providers would skyrocket to compensate for the money lost through lowering charges for large content providers, or all bandwidth charges would disappear entirely to accommodate a non-discriminatory Internet environment. In the first case, the small content providers would pay extra money for bandwidth they don’t need while large content providers would receive lower bandwidth than demanded for their applications. Content providers then would “cause content providers to reduce their investment in new [quality-of-service]-needy content,” which would lead to a large technological step backward by getting rid of many real-time and high-definition applications (Singer 40). In the second case, broadband providers would suffer economically, which seems harmful to only them until the resource factor is considered. The broadband providers are the ones working to expand bandwidth capabilities within their networks, and will fail to advance in doing so if their economic resources are cut short. By keeping a tiered system of bandwidth distribution now, broadband providers can keep economic burden off the small content providers and still acquire the funds needed to support projects to expand network capabilities, such as building Verizon’s fiber optic network, which “is… capable of offering bandwidth pipes much fatter than DSL and potentially cable (Weiss 22).” Then, after new lines have been laid down that can support high-speed data transfer for all, net neutrality principles can work efficiently.

Most of the net neutrality debate centers around businesses, but in the end, the end-users are the ones who may be affected most. Under net neutrality, broadband providers would have to minimize services because of resource restrictions, which would result in a deteriorated Internet experience for end-users, who often desire content of the highest quality, such as high-definition video and cutting-edge applications, such as real-time interaction. Economically, net neutrality could place burdens on individuals as well. Consider the two alternative consequences of net neutrality mentioned above. If the first case were to occur, small content providers might need to charge more to those who access their information in order to compensate for their raised costs of service. By retaining a tiered system of bandwidth distribution, only end-users who use the most bandwidth-intensive applications, such as real-time video games, would need to pay premium rates, while those who only access information from “content providers who do not require higher [quality of service], which is the majority of sites out there right now” would only need to pay for their initial service, the price of which being determined by the end-user’s choice of bandwidth (Singer 40). If the second case were to occur, end-users might expect not only a deteriorated Internet experience because of bandwidth restrictions, but possibly also raised costs in initial service, instead of costs set forth by content providers. Broadband providers would lose revenue from contract holders under net neutrality, and might decide to make up for the losses by raising bandwidth charges for consumers. Though, the consumer market wouldn’t stand for costs as high as the $140 proposed by Richard Clarke for Internet service, much less the $466 proposed for Internet and HDTV service (Singer 39). Therefore, prices would go up and disturb end-users, but the increase wouldn’t nearly make up for the money lost through voided contracts from content providers with quality-of-service-needy content, and the hope of laying down lines with fatter bandwidth pipes in the near future would simply turn into another pipe dream. The only way to work toward a more capable network would be to keep a tiered system and keep profits flowing in.

Network neutrality looks like a great idea on paper, but so too do many other systems which do not succeed in practice. With the somewhat chaotic expansion of size and amount of content on the Internet within only a couple of decades, the concept of regulating such a massive collection of services and applications is difficult to go about doing. It seems that, until technological capacity surpasses content capacity, net neutrality will not yield positive results for any particular player in the Internet game, from broadband provider to end-user. Still, there may be hope in the future for net neutrality. Until technology advances further, however, the voices Holden McNeil claimed everyone has will have to range from yell to whisper.