My New Year's Resolution

2009-01-02

6:00 AM

...Is to settle.

It may not sound like a lot, and it may not be one of those words that you'd normally associate with good, but for me, it will be. You see, I've grown into this person I am today, and I'm starting not to like him.

I used to be all about love. I mean, entirely. I was so content back then, with hope in my eyes and love in my heart. Sex didn't matter to me. What mattered was that the girl I was with could make me happy - that she and I could enjoy each other's company, in any setting. As I reflect on the past year, I can't help but wonder... When did that boy die?

You know, I've been afraid to write about this for the longest time, for fear that the wrong person would read it and I would build a bad reputation for myself. I think it's time, though, that I open up some. I can't help myself unless I confront my imperfections, right?

This summer, I played a lot of people. I'm not sure how it really happened, or what about my immoral self appealed to them, but by the time I had moved back to LA in the fall, I had hooked up with five different girls. Christ, I even lost my virginity to one, not two days after hooking up with another girl.

One was a hookup, plain and simple. We wouldn't have hooked up if she had thought otherwise. The next, unplanned, with someone I had invited to a party as a friend. After her, a 'favor' I was doing for a friend, who had asked me to hook up with his ex so she would stop bothering him. Then, a hookup with an old friend, which seemed to her to be the beginning of a relationship, which I sincerely regret letting her believe.

Finally, the one that got away. The one from those posts just a few months back. Our 'relationship,' if that's what you would call it, was a backwards one. A kiss, just a few days after meeting each other, followed by a few weeks of deep conversations and only hand-holding. Soon, it was less than that, and now, even less. She revived that boy within me, for a moment. Soon, though, he was hidden again, behind a shroud of emotion and a regret for opening his big mouth. I was desperate. All I wanted to do was find a way to forget her, to keep my mind off her. Suddenly, I was downstream again... Fell back into that summer mentality. Too hurt by my desire for love, I regressed into a lackluster desire for lust. Once again, I blinded myself into thinking it was okay to flirt with multiple girls all at once.

My resolution is to find that boy again, and not lose him this time. No more random hookups. No more "keeping my options open." No more games.

I want to love again. Help me, please.

Happy New Year,
Vaniah Juniper Schwenoha