I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

12 October 2007

11:02 PM

Academic update: C on my first WRIT 140 essay, C+ on my POSC 130 essay.
I'm totally over it. I'm just gonna let my GE classes fuck my GPA. But they can't be so screwed that I don't get the MGM Mirage Family Scholarship next year. My mom needs all the help she can get to pay for my tuition =/

I only managed to squeeze out a little over four pages for my essay about political cartoons that was supposed to be 5-7 pages long. Most other people I talked to had trouble writing a lot, too. That's good for me because I won't be the only person who failed to meet the length requirement. I'm just glad I got anything written down after putting the thing off for so long. I started writing the essay at like, 5:00 PM the day before it was due. I might've worked on it over the weekend if my friends weren't in town. Speaking of... Let's move on to the fun stuff =)

I stayed up pretty late on Thursday night waiting for the guys to show up, but not late enough, since Dallas' car was running too hot on the way here, so they had to drive slower, and since they got a little lost just before they got here. They woke me up at about 4:20, when they were outside. They parked in one of the lots that required a parking permit, and as a result, found a ticket for $50 placed on the windshield the next day =x. Whatev. We decided to split it four ways to make it even. We chilled in my apartment for a couple hours before going to sleep, getting set up with the bed situation and whatnot.

When I woke up Friday morning and got ready to go to Calculus, it definitely didn't look like anybody was willing to go with me, as they had all planned to. The only one consciously awake when I left was Dallas, who would've gone if I didn't have to be in class in ten minutes, or if he had had his own transportation (I was in my rollerblades, as always).

I should mention here that a couple weeks ago, I replaced my rollerblade wheels and bearings. For the first couple weeks, the back wheel on my right skate rolled funny, like it was lop-sided. I just figured it had slid too much once while breaking, and that part of the wheel was worn down too much. After long enough, however, it became apparent that the case was not the condition of the rubber, but of the wheel itself. The plastic casing was actually what was broken, causing part of the wheel to bend in every time I put weight on it. Eventually, the break in the plastic got worse, and it got to the point where I couldn't take it. So, I borrowed Charles' bike and headed out to Sport Chalet. Keep in mind that Charles' bike was designed for children under 4' tall, that his front tire was flat when I first got on it, and that the area around USC isn't the safest place to be traveling alone. I rode the bike to the nearest car wash to fill the tires up on air, and then proceeded to ride the rest of the 7.2 mile journey to Sport Chalet. Crazy, I know. It wasn't a good idea, considering I don't know the streets in LA at all and by the time I left Sport Chalet, it was already dark. I think it was good for me, though. It got me out of this little bubble of a neighborhood I've been in since I moved here, and it helped me gain some knowledge of the businesses around here, not to mention I have new wheels that are about two centimeters wider than my old ones, which makes going over cracks in the sidewalk a lot smoother.

Well, now that I've gone completely off topic...

I went to class, bought some milk on the way back so the guys could have breakfast, and then hung out in the apartment for awhile. After everybody had showered and gotten ready, we left for the movie theater to catch Across the Universe. Well, we got kinda lost on the way, and since it is LA, we hit decent traffic, so we didn't make it to the movie theater on time. Once we got to The Grove, where the movie theater was, we decided to go instead to see Resident Evil: Extinction first, and then movie hop to Across the Universe. I really enjoyed both movies. The plots of the Resident Evil movies are decent, and those movies are filled with action and sexy actresses, so I don't have anything to complain about. Across the Universe was really, really good. I know I always say I'm an Elvis guy as opposed to a Beatles guy, but this musical-movie was spectacular. It made me wish I listened to more Beatles music, because if I had, I'd have understood more of the little quirks that related to the Beatles. Maybe I will start listening to them more.

After the movies, we came back to my apartment, hung out for a bit, and then went to Parkside Restaurant for dinner. On the way there, I made a deal with the guys that I would pay the share of the parking ticket to the person who stole me the most silverware, because the silverware I currently had had already rusted. It was a fair trade, getting silverware for $12.50 plus the $36 of my meal plan's dining dollars I had to pay to get the guys into the restaurant because they wouldn't let me use my meals on anybody but myself. In the end, Dallas, with 21 pieces of silverware, lost to Chris, with 24 pieces. Though, it was an even closer call than that, because Chris took two soup spoons, which I totally don't think I'm ever going to need to use, haha!

While we were eating, we talked about a lot of stuff. Nothing really specific - nothing that stuck out in my mind - just talked. We joked around a lot, and couldn't stop laughing because of it and because of the noises that Dallas and Chris' pockets were making with so much silverware in them. I think it was at the table that night in the cafeteria that I realized how much I was enjoying myself. I hadn't been that happy or had that much fun since before I left Las Vegas. It made me realize that these guys will always be my best friends. No distance or time interval between our visits will limit the amount of joy we bring each other by just hanging out and being ourselves. It gave me a real feeling of security.

After dinner, we laughed our way back to the apartment, Chris and Dallas' pockets jingling all the way. The initial plan was to find some parties on Friday night, but we were a little worn out from the day by the time night rolled around. Dallas fell asleep early, followed by Chris, and I crashed out waiting for Niki to finish his online poker tournament. The next day, all of us but Niki were up by noon, and went to Chipotle for lunch. We brought Niki back a burrito, but he didn't eat much of it, so he left it in the fridge for me to finish off. It was a good thing that I didn't invite a whole lot of people to my place to party that night, because we decided instead to go visit Dallas' cousin Chris O in Mission Viejo. We drove the 60 miles out to his house, met up with him and his friend Ashley, and then drove out to T-Street, the beach relatively nearby. It was kinda fun trying to catch waves on boogie boards, but I think I enjoyed tumbling on the beach the most. The last time I had gone to the beach, I could do a standing back tuck, but I couldn't do many back handsprings in a row. I think I did at least seven or eight in a row on the sand.

After the beach, all of the guys quickly showered at Chris O's house and then we went to the football game at Mission Viejo High School. The home team was playing a team with a higher rank than theirs, but everything about the game was impressive nonetheless. The stadium seats were concrete, as opposed to the really shitty ones at Durango High. Since the other team was nationally ranked, the game was nationally televised. The field was a rich green and it was painted with just as much vibrance. The marching band, which Chris O tells us is the best high school marching band in the nation, was amazing at the half-time show. The cheerleaders were pretty good, too. I didn't see any of them do any fulls or anything like that, but I'm sure they could have if they wanted to, because their back tucks were really high.

Shortly after the start of the second half, we all decided to leave because the game had already been lost to the visiting team. We went back to Chris O's, all but Chris and Ashley went out to pick up Taco Bell, and after we finished and Chris O's parents had gone to sleep, we started to drink the Bacardi and Skyy I brought. Chris went to sleep, because he didn't want to drink. I played a little ping-pong, which was fun, but nothing was really that interesting while it was just Niki, Dallas, Chris O, and me drinking. Later in the night, Chris O's friends Bryce and Kaya came over with a couple of girls, Michelle and Allie. I thought Allie was pretty cute, but by the time everybody showed up, I was too drunk to do anything about it. We drank a little more, then decided to go down the street to the park by Chris O's house. I got the bright idea in my head to do more back handsprings, which went well... until I collapsed in the middle of one and bit the inside of my upper lip/lightly scraped my upper lip/nearly broke my nose. Haha! I also participated in a foot race at the park, for some reason; don't ask me why. After heading back to Chris O's, I don't remember much at all. I woke up the next day and asked everybody to assure me that I hadn't puked at any point last night. Chris O told me I snored so loud that people left, haha. Niki also said that I got in some kind of dispute over which Soulja Boy dance is better. After I woke up, I was still a little drunk/hungover, and it showed when Chris O's mom talked to me about my SAT's and I couldn't quickly add up my score from the first time I took them. Other than the addition, I guess I managed to hold a decent conversation.

We drove back from Chris O's, everybody grabbed their stuff, and we headed out to Dallas' car to say our goodbyes. Once packed up, however, Dallas' car wouldn't start. We couldn't tell what was wrong with it, but eventually, after letting it sit long enough, it did start. We said goodbye one more time and they were on their way.

That entire weekend was the best I've had in a long time. I can't wait until I have a car. Whenever I get a weekend that isn't too restricted by homework, I'm going to drive up to Vegas to hang out with my friends.

Well, here it is, October 12th, and I've kept my word from a couple entries back. After all was said and done, I managed to maintain my financial goal. After transferring $25 to Chris for the parking ticket, paying for the things I did over the weekend, and transferring $10 to Niki to protect him from overdrafting, I had $233.26 left in my bank account. My mom added $200 to that on Tuesday, which made just enough to buy my Powerizers for $429.99. I ordered them as soon as I got a chance. They're in transit now. By the next time I post, I should have a little bit of practice time in on them. I'm pretty excited, heh. Until next week, though, I have to manage not to spend anything, because I only have $3.13 left in my bank account ($0.14 to Chris to save him from overdrafting).

My tumbling gets better every time I go out to the quad. Yesterday, I did a standing back handspring, back tuck, back handspring, back tuck, back handspring, and I think I did a few good X-outs, too. I also joined some people yesterday who were playing frisbee, and caught the frisbee once in mid-backflip. Though, I for sure need to get better at throwing frisbees, haha.

I went to this thing in my RA's apartment last night that was kinda about the Islamic celebration of Eid. The only informative thing about it was contained in a couple of printed pages that explained it, but it was a fun experience nonetheless. At first, people were waiting for others to show up, so a couple of guys and I started a small poker tournament - no money involved, just chips. I played a fairly tight game, and ended up in second place. I probably could've won if the other guy and I had played seriously at the end, but by then, there were enough people there to be, as Anthony Cools says, 'sociable,' so I just ended it. I met a lot of Pakistani people and others, most with names I couldn't say correctly at first, much less spell. One girl reminded me a bit of Nikita, with her sarcasm and such, but if I got to know her more, she'd probably turn out to be cooler, probably because Nikita's a titch. If I can find her on Facebook, I'll talk to her - if not in pursuit of a relationship, then just for another friend around here, which I still need more of.

I'm done writing for now. I hope you enjoyed. I certainly did.

Be easy
Vaniah Schwenoha

Preparations

2 October 2007

10:09 PM

I was just down at Parkside restaurant - the cafeteria embedded in one of the residence halls here - and something very interesting happened. Being the bit of a loner that I am, and being that it was 8:30, and most people I know had already eaten, I sat down at an empty table by myself to have dinner. No later than 30 seconds after I sat down, a man at the table next to mine turned around and introduced himself - Garland. He asked my name, asked how to spell it and what origin it held, and proceeded to introduce me to a couple of his roommates/suitemates. Now, I don't necessarily see myself as a particularly outstanding person when it comes to physically attractive features, but this guy had an attitude that just seemed too friendly to me. Naturally, I started to worry that I was being hit on, especially after his friends left and he stayed to chat with me a little longer. I never found out whether or not he was gay. What I did find out was that, seemingly innocent in his initial background questions toward me, he was really setting up the conversation for something very influential in his mindset.

When I told him my name, he asked where it came from. When I told him it was from the Old Testament, he took note of it, and shortly after, he picked the topic back up by asking if I followed the Bible. He found it particularly funny when I replied with "Not really... I'm Agnostic." After he expressed his amusement, he tried to correct me by changing 'not really' to 'definitely not.' I told him it was a better response than telling him I was an atheist, and he asked why. I made the distinction between the two by claiming that an atheist denies existence of God whereas I, an Agnostic, just don't have any proof that He exists.

And here's the prestige!

Continuing conversation, he admitted to me that he was a big follower of Jesus. He said he didn't believe much in following the Bible because of all of its tradition and pickiness, but that Jesus was the best 'drug' he could possibly be on. Throughout the rest of our conversation, he tried guessing some things about my familial lifestyle, and when I asked him if he was trying to be psychic, he simply replied that he was channeling Jesus, and trying to listen to what He was telling him. Soon, our conversation was done, we shook hands, and he left. Just left. He said he'd pray for me tonight - for me to find the 'proof' I'm looking for, and to eventually find Jesus.

It may not strike you as particularly intriguing, but en medias res, it turned out to be a very peculiar and interesting experience.

Moving on...

It appears that the bulk of my time spent on homework isn't evenly distributed. The most time-consuming assignments come from my Writing and Critical Reasoning and my Law, Politics, and Public Policy classes, primarily because they are the ones that require me to write essays. I wonder if I'm the only one who finds it especially pointless that my efforts are concentrated on the only two classes in my schedule that don't directly relate to my intended major. I suppose my real argument here is this: I know how to write. I choose my words carefully and I try to support my arguments. However, these characteristics of my writing style are more prevalent in works that I choose to write. It doesn't seem right to be grading me on an essay based on a topic that I didn't choose to write about - that I don't care to write about. Whatever. Fuck it. If I can make it through these two classes this semester and express myself in the manner the instructors expect me to express myself, I'll try to avoid taking two general education classes in one semester ever again. In the mean time, I have to figure out how to 'make my ideas flow together' when I'm writing about the extent to which political cartoons offer an effective political critique. Ugh.

I got a haircut today. I really like it. It feels so nice to have short hair because (1) I don't have to spend as much time in the morning futzing with it and trying to get it to look decent, and (2) I think short hair makes me look cleaner - better. Long hair on me usually equates to big hair, and usually causes me to think my face looks wider and less appealing. Hopefully this new confidence staring back at me in the mirror will carry out into the classroom and within large groups.

In a little more than two days, Niki, Chris, and Dallas will be on their way down to LA to pay me a visit.
=D
I'm pretty excited about that. I talked with Niki a lot last night about planning, and it actually took me a little too far from my studies and homework. Whatever. If I told you I cared about school more than hanging out with my best friends after a month and a half away from them, it'd be a lie. Niki and I figured that we'd go out looking for parties on Friday night, but then have people over to my apartment on Saturday night for a kickback/mini-party. After I finish this post, I'm going to get on Facebook and start inviting people. We're gonna go see Across The Universe this weekend, too, since it's not playing in Nevada. Hopefully that happens Friday afternoon. We might to go the beach at some point. I'm not sure which one; we haven't really decided yet. Oh well We can't possibly plan every event to take place this weekend, 'cause that's just not our style.

Hmm... That seems like the bulk of things I had to write about.

"I will follow you into the dark"
Vaniah Juniper Schwenoha

Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's, but not here!

30 September 2007

4:06 AM

~sigh~ Flanders... Gotta love the Simpsons


As of now, I wrote more entries in the first month I had this blog than I've written in all of 2007. Funny how that works out.

~Caution: Graphic and potentially disturbing content. Skip forward if you're squeamish.~

I was getting a little tired of my bruised purple toe, so I took a pair of nail clippers and cut a small piece of skin off. This caused it to drain of all the blood/puss within. I have to say that that's probably one of the most disgusting things my body's ever done. The next day, I kinda did the same thing, but I cut off all of the skin in front of my toenail and ended up with a space between my toe and the nail. I've been putting peroxide in it periodically to prevent infection. It's all dry and safe and uninfected now, but there's still a big enough space for me to fit the tip of a butter knife into. I don't expect it to really go away until the nail grows completely out. I'm kinda surprised the entire nail hasn't fallen off by now. It's interesting how the body works.

~End graphic content~

Last weekend, I decided to stay in and read what I could for my Law, Politics, and Public Policy class. That plan probably would've gone well... if we hadn't had a kickback on Saturday night. Charles had some people over to watch the football game, which we dominated, and afterward, more people showed up and we drank. Because all but one of the guests were Charles' friends and my guest, Phyllis, is from Beijing, I was the only one who didn't speak Chinese. Haha. It was kinda interesting. Instead of being too drunk to understand people, I was simply too white. What was even more intriguing to me was that not a single person present had ever played Kings before. I ended up typing up the rules and printing them out to put on the table for when people forgot what a specific card value meant. In the middle of a game of 'Never Have I Ever,' someone said they had never been to a club. Not thinking about the fact that I've been to a strip club, I left my finger up. That's when everybody wondered aloud how I knew so many drinking games if I had never been to a club. Apparently, people play drinking games in clubs in Asia, lol.

So we barely made it through a single game of Kings, and it took forever to do. After that, we decided to play a free-for-all Beer Pong game. The way it went, we set up a pyramid of cups up to seven in a row and all shot at the same pyramid. If someone made a shot, the person who shot before them would have to drink. We would rerack after the number of cups in the largest row had been made. Somehow, even though I played a super-clutch game at that swim team party a couple weeks before, I managed to not make a single shot all night. I was pretty upset about that.

After all the beer was gone, everybody left. Some people went home; some people went to find parties. I stayed home, cleaned up the apartment, and went to sleep. Thinking about it, I'm not really sure why I didn't leave with everybody else. Maybe it had something to do with all the work I still thought I was going to do that night and the next day. It must've been that. I stayed behind so I could read the first 20-30 pages of To Kill A Mockingbird before I went to sleep. God, how much of a loser am I?

I tried to read as much as I could the next day, but only got within 100 pages of the end of the novel. I finally finished it on Monday night, didn't do much on Tuesday, and read a lot from the course reader Wednesday night. On Thursday morning, at about 5:30, I started writing the essay that was supposed to be due at 9:30 the same day. I skipped my 8:00 Writing 140 class to finish it. That's what was in the last post - that disgusting, horrid jumble of words I claimed to be an essay.

After struggling through that assignment all through Wednesday night and Thursday morning, I decided to go unwind in the quad by tumbling. The muscle in my leg had healed, and my toe wasn't giving me too much trouble, so I just chilled out there for a good two hours. I got pretty close to landing an aerial and I believe I executed a flash kick at one point. I was pretty sore the next day, but it was worth it. On Friday, I went to my single hour-long class from 11:00 to noon and then went to the quad again, but this time to check out this thing that this guy from my apartment complex had told me about earlier in the week while we were playing 8-ball in the CSC. It was called 'The Business of Gaming,' and there were booths setup from companies such as EA Sports, Activision, and Panasonic. Helio had a booth, too, and I finally got to check out the Ocean phone that they offer, which is pretty fuckin' sweet.

When I first got there, I was fortunate enough to get in line early enough to receive a free burrito from Chipotle, since they were kind-of catering the event. I also saw the world's largest plasma television, which has a 103" widescreen diagonal, and is made by Panasonic. A Guitar Hero tournament was played on it, and I'd have joined the competition, but I totally suck at Guitar Hero compared to some of the guys that played. They ran out of time anyway, and eventually cut the tournament short. The winner got a new guitar controller for the game and other players got consolation prizes. I stayed around until the end, and because they had some extra prizes left, I got a dual-controller USB charger for PS3 controllers. It doesn't to me much good right now because I don't have a PS3, but the two USB cables that came with it can be used for anything that fits them and I'll probably be able to make use of it when I get a new PSP in a few months because the new model, along with its capability to output video to a television, will be able to be charged through the USB port.

The rest of my Friday was fairly uneventful, and the only other thing that happened was that this girl Jourdan from the other apartment building came over and we hung out in my apartment for a few hours, just talking and stuff. she fell asleep on the couch, and I eventually crashed out in my bed, and when Charles came back with his friends in the middle of the night, I think she left. I remember Charles' friend Katie sleeping in Charles' bed, Charles being out in the living room until after Katie left in the morning, and when I woke up I found another one of Charles' friends lying across the four dining chairs that he had lined up to make a makeshift bed.

I pretty much did nothing today (Saturday). I watched the USC at Washington game on TV, and because Ron goes to UW, we made a small wager. Because my team won, he has to go to the book store at his school and buy me some kind of souvenir. I was pretty lucky in this bet, considering USC played a pretty bad game this week. We were favored to win by three touchdowns, but we only won by three points.

After the game, I got ready to go out, because I wanted to look for a good party place for when Chris, Niki, and Dallas come down to visit next weekend, but I didn't end up partying because I couldn't find anybody to go with. I got hungry at one point, so I called up Phyllis and we went to Denny's for a late-night meal. In the middle of our conversation, I mentioned that the guys are coming down next weekend. This is where she mentioned that her boyfriend is visiting next weekend. This was the very first time that I was made aware that she even has a boyfriend.

...

I can't wait 'til the day I snap.
...and fuckin' choke a bitch.

Whatever. My friends out here are pretty limited thus far. I need to meet more people. Lots more...

I just about had enough money to buy my Powerizers this week. I was gonna skip a week in paying Niki and pretty much spend absolutely nothing in order to get them. However, after looking online, I decided it would be better to save up and get the newer model of them, so instead of buying what I had in mind, I paid Niki anyway, bought some cologne for Victor for his birthday, and decided to save for another two weeks to get them. No matter what, I will fucking order those Powerizers by the 12th of October.

I dunno what else to write.... Actually, I do, but I better save it for later. It's getting pretty late.

à demain.
Vaniah Juniper Schwenoha

Fucked

27 September 2007

8:37 AM

Well, here's my first written assignment to be turned in for my Law, Politics, and Public Policy course. To be completely honest, this is the absolute worst essay I've ever written. I read as much as I could to try to gain some background before I started, but I really just couldn't generate any ideas. I'll be lucky to get a D- on this paper.

[I'll replace this line later with the prompt]

Vaniah Schwenoha
Professor Jeb Barnes
Law, Politics, and Public Policy
September 27, 2007
Critical Book Review Assignment

The Limit of the Law

Throughout our lecture and discussion sessions, we established that the law and courts are constrained by many factors, and that the promise of the law and courts is consequentially limited by these constraints. By taking these constraints into consideration, we can effectively analyze Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird and the reasons why producing social change is so difficult.

In the novel, the fictional town of Maycomb, Alabama is home to a strong prejudiced community where only a few good people treat blacks as equals and the rest of the population treat them like dirt. This racism plays a very significant role in the trial of Tom Robinson, a black man who is falsely accused by Bob Ewell of raping his oldest daughter. Though Mr. Robinson’s intentions were anything but corrupt, and though Atticus Finch’s presentation of evidence thoroughly disproved the possibility of Mr. Robinson’s guilt, the strong bias among Maycomb County inhabitants yielded his conviction simply because he was a black man, and in the Deep South, a white man’s word was always believed over a black man’s word.

The trial itself was greatly influenced by public opinion. Because the community was such a racist one and because a black man is never trusted as much as a white man, no matter how low-class that white man is, the court stood no chance of employing an ‘all men created equal’ point of view, especially with an all-white jury. This illustrates the limit of the law by cultural constraint because judicial power is hindered by strong local convictions.

Further limit is put on the law by doctrinal constraint. Because trial by jury is a constitutional provision, there was not much Tom Robinson could do to receive a fair judgment of the evidence because his jury of supposed peers was composed of white men. Atticus Finch was confident that he would be able to get an appeal after the initial trial, but when Mr. Robinson decided that he was “tired of white men’s chances and preferred to take his own,” (236) he gave up the possibility of having a more reasonable trial and sealed his own fate instead.

The trial did not trigger an immediate change in the community’s treatment of black people, but it did influence the views of a few citizens. Before the trial, Scout Finch’s aunt Alexandra displayed a strong distaste for blacks when she objected to allowing Scout to visit Calpurnia’s house (136). After the trial, however, Alexandra’s concern for Tom Robinson showed her less scathing view of blacks (235). This change in Alexandra’s views was minor, however. Even with her slight increase in sympathy for Mr. Robinson, she still obviously held social standards among classes, as shown when she lashes out against Scout when she talks about wanting to become better friends with her classmate Walter Cunningham (223)

The events surrounding the trial were too influential in some way to members of the community. The night before the trial, when a mob of men went down to the jailhouse to attack Tom Robinson, they were willing to go through Atticus Finch to do so. Scout’s confrontation with the mob, and particularly with Walter Cunningham, however, was enough to make the men think things over. After the trial, Atticus revealed to Scout and Jem that part of the reason the jury was in deliberation for so long was because a relative of Mr. Cunningham’s was on the jury, and Walter’s new respect for the Finch family led that jury member to sincerely consider the facts of the case, as opposed to immediately ruling in favor of the white man. In fact, Atticus Finch’s argument was so strong in this case that many of the jury members could not reach a verdict immediately. I suppose it may have been Atticus’ extensive experience in court, or his status as a repeat player, that resulted in his being named by Judge Taylor to defend Tom Robinson because Atticus was the only man who could keep a jury out so long in such a case (215-216), even if the final verdict was inevitably reached.

Still, some other Maycomb residents were untouched by the court’s attempt to provide equal justice. It seems that those less acquainted Atticus Finch held no sympathy for Tom Robinson’s decided fate or the unfair treatment of blacks in general, as portrayed at the end of the trial when the Finch family made its way through the cheerful crowd (212). Later, too, Scout discussed the hypocrisy of her teacher Ms. Gates, who she knew to be against Hitler, but who she also heard walk out of the courtroom saying, “it’s time somebody taught ‘em a lesson, they were getting’ way above themselves, an’ the next thing they think they can do is marry us” (247).

In the particular case against Tom Robinson, there was not much that could have been done to change the community’s moral tact. Perhaps if the plot had taken a different direction after the trial, Atticus may have been able to appeal and overrule the verdict reached in Judge Taylor’s court. Maybe then would a prominent social change have taken place in Maycomb County. The case would have suffered from less doctrinal and cultural constraint because the ‘referees’ in the logic of the triad (Barnes 9/4/07) would be more detached from the community of the alleged crime.

Reflecting upon it, however, an appeal could carry the possibility of clearing Tom Robinson’s name, but would it really have initiated a community-wide change in social class structure? Without the influence of other institutions, I think not. Similar to the case of Brown v. Board, institutional and cultural constraints would cause a need for congressional and executive intervention (Barnes 9/13/07) to produce a significant change in social norms.

Based on the examples above, we can conclude that the law itself cannot bear social reconstruction simply because it is too restricted. Rather, we must conclude that the law in conjunction with other political institutions stands a better chance of producing the desired result.

Upsetting People

23 September 2007

8:00 PM

So... That last entry touched upon the nerves of a good few people, and it showed when their latest entries included a disclaimer at the beginning telling me to fuck off. That's what I should've expected, really. If I'm going to single them out, I better expect them to single me out. I definitely deserve it. Hopefully nobody holds it against me when we run into each other in Vegas around the holidays. That would make me sad. It would be wrong to regret writing that last entry, however. I promised myself many entries ago that I'd be as honest as I could in here. I'm not gonna blame the criticism on my drunken state, but I will say that it made the criticism a lot more scathing.

Before I left Las Vegas, my friends and I kinda tried to see how many friendships I could ruin prior to my departure. It seems that rant about writing may have done more damage than what I did in Vegas =/

It's really not as disturbing to me as I made it sound, guys... It's just a pet peeve of mine, just like the ones you guys have/had. Sarah used to get mad at me when I would crack my knuckles. Marlena would get mad at me when I'd pick at my scabs. Nothing was ever worth ending friendships over, though. I hope everybody can see that.

Still love you guys, no matter what
Vaniah Juniper Schwenoha

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth!?!

23 September 2007

1:24 AM

I've wanted to write about this for about a week now, so it should be good that I do it now.

I started writing in my blog again after I left Las Vegas because I kept reading my friends' blogs. That's honestly why I feel the need to write in here. If I'm going to be reading into the lives of my friends, they might as well be reading into my life.

The one thing that gets me though... Almost every blog I read from another person... has some kind of spelling or grammatical error in it.

I realize that people get kinda lazy when they type online, and it makes me seem like an asshole when I correct people, but... I really don't give two shits about being an asshole right now. You guys... You're college students. If you're prestigious enough to get accepted to a university, don't you think you should be capable of proofreading your own writing? You're posting your shit online. Shouldn't it be easy enough to navigate your web browser over to dictionary.com to make sure your word is the correct word? I do that all the time. I know that I'm not superior when it comes to spelling, but at least I verify that I'm using the right words. If you think this is too general of a message, I'll give specific examples. Jessica Williams, they weren't at 'Savors,' they were at Savers. And to Sarah Williams, the monkey is clapping his cymbals together, not his 'symbols.' The only other person that I'm sure checks this when he can is Niki, and I tell him directly when he's got something wrong.

This isn't intended to discourage you guys from writing. I love reading about your days... your nights... your feelings. I just think you should get in the habit of expressing yourselves clearly. When I started emailing people back in the 6th grade, I typed like an idiot. I shortened words from 'to' to '2' and all that jazz, but when my sister finally saw what I was doing, she pointed out that typing in such a way is absolutely pointless. If you're going to communicate with someone, try to make yourself as understandable as possible. It eliminates confusion, and prevents your readers from getting lost in translation, even though you're speaking the same language. Further, you don't have to switch between writing styles when you write essays for class if you practice proper writing techniques outside of class.

What I've also noticed in multiple peoples' writing is the misinterpretation of the words 'then' and 'than.' Please keep an eye on that(, Sarah).

There's a distinct tone in my writing here. If you haven't been able to tell by now, I'll let you know that I've had a little bit of alcohol tonight. Regardless, this is really what I think. I'll write more about myself soon, I suppose.

Sorry if this upset you.
Sorry if I singled you out.
Sorry.
Vaniah Juniper Schwenoha

Systematic

21 September 2007

12:04 AM

I haven't really done anything out of the ordinary lately. It's really making my life a little dull.

A couple weeks ago, I went to the quad and did some tumbling. The people passing by seemed pretty impressed with the simple things I could do... I was, too. I hadn't tumbled in awhile, but somehow, I was able to pull standing back tuck just fine, and for the first time ever, I managed seven consecutive back handsprings from standing position. I also played frisbee with these people when they showed up, and eventually, there were enough people to play a game of frisbee football. After all was said and done, I had probably done about 2½ straight hours of physical activity. Needless to say, I was sore the next day... and the next day... and the next week.

Maybe if I had stretched more, drank more water, taken a hot shower afterward... I'd have recovered faster. I think it was the day after that I was walking down the stairs and my right leg nearly gave out on me completely. I walked it off like it was nothing, but I think that in that stairwell, the strain on my sore leg was too much, and that I pulled something. It's still a little bit sore today, and it was very hard for me to tumble last week. I started taking arnica montana again to try to help it heal faster. I also started taking it again because, on my way to class on Tuesday, I tried to go up some steps in my rollerblades before I had slowed down much, and I stumbled pretty hard on one. I tripped, caught myself in pushup position, picked myself up, and went to class. I didn't get to look at my foot until after I got home later that day, but throughout my classes, I could tell something was wrong. The big toe on my left foot is a very nice shade of purple now. It doesn't make it any easier to rollerblade, either. Most of the time, I crinkle up my toes to take off any pressure directly on top of my toenail.

It's not so much the trouble walking and rollerblading that I have a problem with. I'm just a little disappointed because I can't tumble. I don't know the facilities around here, so I don't know where to find a trampoline I can jump on; it'll cost me $15 a session if I want to dive at the pool near my apartment; There aren't any padded floors around at my disposal that I'm aware of. Tumbling in the quad is really my last resort for satisfying my desire to do flips. At least, it's my last resort until next week, when I'll likely have enough money to buy a pair of Powerizers. I'm definitely looking forward to that. If you don't know what they are, look 'em up on YouTube.

I'm procrastinating right now. I'm probably at least 100 pages behind in reading that needs to be done for my political science class, not to mention that I need to read To Kill A Mockingbird again and write a 4-5 page essay on it. It's okay, I guess. I'll get around to it sometime this weekend.

Brittney Rufkahr texted me earlier. It was rather rude of her. Here's how it went:
§
~Me and all ur friends are in a movie lol miss ya
•Fuck you lol
~Hahaha sorry USC man
•Yeah, well, just remember that I'm the one that informs everybody about these tickets
~Huh? lol
•You saw Eastern Promises, right?
~Yeah, but I got the tickets from my mom
•Everybody else usually gets them from the promotions I tell them about
~Lol well you aren't here V! =P
•Thanks for elaborating on that, cunt, lol

That doesn't mean I don't still tell them about things
~Ok vagina
§

Funny how she QQ's about how she had to stay in Las Vegas for college, yet taunts me by rubbing it in my face that I'm away from my best friends.

My brother Victor's birthday is on Monday, and I don't know what to get him. I asked what he wanted, but the only thing he suggested was that I come and visit. I don't know if I can afford to do that right now. If it happens, it won't be this weekend.

My roommate's going out with this asian girl from the other apartment building. Her name's Chihiro. They're pretty cute together. She has a boyfriend back home, in... Japan?
=X
I need to ask my roommate how he enticed her. I may attempt a little of the same approach with that girl Morgane. I'm not countin' on anything just yet, though. I still need to meet and hang out with more people, period.

Well, I'm running out of things to talk about.
Auf wiedersehen, Mieke.

Vaniah Schwenoha

Moment of truth

18 September 2007

9:16 AM

Well, I just turned in my first collegiate essay for a grade. I hope it does well. I figured I'd post it in here just so everybody could take a look. I'll let you know what kind of grade it receives when I get it back. For now, enjoy.

Liberty and Justice for Me

The law, as defined by Aristotle, is “reason unaffected by desire” (Aristotle 3). This definition describes the standard under which legal systems should be based, but is hardly a truthful depiction of the legal system in America. Opposition to Aristotle’s claim is present in media characterization of the legal system, and is often the focal point of many story lines of movies and television shows. Movies such as Fracture and The Shawshank Redemption are prime examples of movies with characters who let their desires interfere with their roles as preservers of the law. Characters like these, who rank personal satisfaction above unbiased justice, diminish our confidence that the American legal system is capable of treating all judicial cases equally and seeking the truth in order to identify the guilty without punishing the innocent.

Legal procedures are systematic, and are designed as such to avoid inconsistencies in legal cases. Aristotle’s perception of working law implies this. For a society to secure equal rights for its citizens, procedures must be implemented that ensure fair treatment and protection from extreme measures. The legal system provides orderly dispute resolution as an alternative to self-help, which often plays off of emotions and individual perceptions of justification, as opposed to the law’s neutral views of justice. American people need to know that the law has regulations in order to confide in it to settle their conflicts with others.

Ideally, the attributes described above help describe a perfect legal system. However, as many know, we do not live in a society with a perfect legal system. Popular media suggests that, in an economically motivated society, even our supposed protectors of the law are willing to trade money for justice.

In Fracture, DDA William Beachum exchanges more challenging cases with coworkers for his own benefit. He claims that his exchanges are justified because, for every case he passes to someone else, he picks up two or three cases in return, thus lightening the load for his fellow associates (Fracture). In all actuality, even though Beachum picks up more cases and makes more work for himself, the alternative cases are easier to win. The real reasoning behind Beachum taking his associates’ cases is that, if he can trade off one tough losing case for a couple easy winning cases, he can still make himself look good. With a higher conviction rate, Beachum lands himself in a position at a new law firm that pays more and gives him a better image.

William Beachum’s methods may help him financially, and they may also bring forth justice upon the criminals he convicts, but his passing of tough cases to those who might not be as prepared or experienced as him also carries the possibility of obstructing justice. The law promotes equal rights for all, but cannot provide absolute equality when more capable lawyers pass on cases simply because they desire not to damage their political careers.

Similarly, money tempts members of the legal system to abolish moral values and judicial ethics. Warden Norton in The Shawshank Redemption does so when he denies further investigation into the murder of Andy Dufresne’s wife solely because Andy runs the warden’s books and launders the money made through deals between Norton and labor companies (Shawshank). As a result of Norton’s desire for money and a competent accountant to handle it, the law’s objective of uncovering the truth is brushed aside. This, along with the example of William Beachum’s personal interests in Fracture, adds to the popular characterization that members of the legal system are concerned less with equality and justice and more with earning a quick buck.

Further than the aspect of selfishness in regards to being money-driven characters, popular media also depicts protectors of the law as people who seek their own personal satisfaction when dealing with court cases. These individuals disregard the systematic procedures inherent in equal justice and also act against advisement of their superiors because their egos interfere with their conduct as professionals in their respective fields of work.

After William Beachum secures his seat at a new law firm, he gets lazy about his duties under his current employer. In court, the defendant, Ted Crawford, manages to surprise Beachum with shocking information that destroys what he thought was a textbook murder case. As a result of his humiliation in court and Crawford’s aggressive taunt tactics, Beachum refuses to be taken off the case by his boss. He just can’t let himself be played by Crawford, so he risks both his current job and his new job for a chance to prove himself to others as the man who can convict Crawford.

With this, popular media introduces a haughty characteristic of lawyers, thus portraying them as men and women with a desire to validate their capabilities among themselves and others. This can bring down our view of the legal system because lawyers who seek solely to test their skills could be in over their heads, and thus less capable of working effectively to uncover the truth.

Fracture contains yet another exposition of selfishness, present in the character of Lieutenant Robert Nunally. As the secret lover of Ted Crawford’s wife, Jennifer, it is understandable that he be particularly aggressive when restraining Mr. Crawford after discovering the woman’s lifeless body. Though, when the police prepare to take Crawford’s confession, Nunally insists on being present, regardless of the possibility that the confession could be considered a coerced one, and rejected by the court as evidence. Here, emotion plays even more of a role than in the previous examples and arguments. Lieutenant Nunally loved Jennifer – so much so that he couldn’t put his mind to rest without being witness to her killer’s written confession. Due to his desire to satisfy his emotional needs, Lieutenant Nunally neglects routine procedures and defaces possible evidence. Ted Crawford is later able to claim that he was under duress when giving his confession because the man who had just beaten him was in the interrogation room.

The lieutenant meant no harm to the judicial process by being in the room while Mr. Crawford gave his confession, but as stated earlier, the law has strict regulations that attempt to prevent false conviction. Because duress is addressed in these regulations, this popular characterization of the legal system affirms that cases are treated equally, but surely negates confidence that the legal system seeks the absolute truth. All evidence initially perceived to be “pretty damning evidence” (Fracture) turned out to be useless in this case, all because of one man’s desire to appease his grieving soul.

When Aristotle made his claim about the law, it was profoundly idealistic. Realistically, however, law is reason bombarded with desire. Genuine courts in America may not be as dramatically affected as the courts depicted in popular media, but through analysis of movies like Fracture and The Shawshank Redemption, our confidence in a consistent and pure legal system in America is surely diminished by characters who base their actions on personal wants and desires.

Works Cited

“Aristotle.” Wikiquote. 8 September 2007, 16:55. Wikimedia Foundation, Inc. 15 September
2007. .
Fracture. Prod. Charles Weinstock. Dir. Gregory Hoblit. Perf. Billy Burke, Ryan Gosling, and
Anthony Hopkins. DVD. New Line Cinema, 2007.
Shawshank Redemption, The. Prod. Niki Marvin. Dir. Frank Darabont. Perf. Morgan Freeman,
Bob Gunton, and Tim Robbins. DVD. Warner Home Video, 1999.

College

16 September 2007

3:53 PM

*Disclaimer: Make sure you have time to read all of this. It's 5½ pages long

Let's pick things back up where we left off.

Niki lost the money. You can read about it in his blog if you want. That is, if you know where his blog is... Oh well. I still think we should've given money to my mom after that so she could win some for us, but I guess after losing so much money, the group was in no position to put up more. I called Chris a couple days after they came back and he told me that Niki just said he had it under control. I don't mean to be calling my best friends inconsiderate, but I really think Chris and Dallas should be helping Niki come up with the money to pay his mom back. I mean, his mom's the coolest, and she was generous and understanding enough to rent us multiple hotel rooms over the past few months. On top of that, Niki's even more pro. The least we could do is help out. I guess I'm the only one who sees it that way. I'm transferring him $100 a week until I pay him $500, and I might even put up more than that if what he tells me is true, and he's going to end up paying his mom $3500-$4000 in the end. Meanwhile, Chris just bought an XBOX 360 and a 32" HDTV. I guess that's cool and all, and it's something Niki gets to use too, but... I dunno. I just feel like my friends gave Niki the ass-end of the stick here. He doesn't deserve that, and I thought I knew my friends better than to do that to him.

I can live with not confronting them about it, I guess. I figure I'll write all my stuff in here, and if they read it, then they'll know, but if not, then... ignorance is bliss.

Okay, back to the whole "I'm not in Kansas anymore" aspect of my life...

Two days before I left, I started packing all of my stuff. I had a lot more to take than I thought. I spent that entire day and most of the next day packing. I told Laura I'd make time to see her my last night in town, so nearing the evening, I cleaned up as she was on her way over. However, I also told Joey to come over and pick up his computer before I left. He said he'd come over with Mike Neel on their way to The Spot, the hookah lounge near my house. Well, I get out of the shower to find Mike, Joey, Chris Yi, Brennan, Justine, Sarah Fulco, Soli, and Laura all in my room. Don't get me wrong... I love my friends... I just didn't expect them to stay so long while my girlfriend was over.

We chilled for awhile, but after I realized that nobody was planning on leaving soon, I just snuck out of my room and into my brother's and texted Laura, telling her to join me. We hung out as long as we could, but eventually, she had to leave and try to make it home by her mom's set curfew. That was the last time I saw her in person... I remember seeing her car stop at the end of the street for longer than it should've. In my mind, I just see her breaking down, like I did when I wrote my last post and thought about everything I was leaving behind in Vegas. I really wish I could say she never did that. I don't want her to feel like that.

After everyone left my house, I finished packing. I couldn't possibly fit anything more into our rental car than I did. And to think.. I was thinking about taking a desktop computer with me as well. That would never have fit. In the middle of the night, with my dad asleep and my mom at work, I left the house in the rental car. I went first to Mitch's house, to pick up my stereo's subwoofer, to drop off some of his stuff, and to say goodbye to Mitch and Sexton. We caught up on some stuff while I was there. They told me they've been offered full-ride scholarships to go to college in Hawaii for cheerleading. That's awesome. I like to think I contributed to their continued education by being the first of us to become a cheerleader and breaking the barrier. But that's just arrogance.

I left Mitch's house and went to Dallas' to hang out with him one last time. Nobody realized I was leaving so early in the morning.. Neither did I, until my parents told me they wanted to. I took him back to my house so I could finish packing, then I had to take him home. We said our goodbyes, and as I drove away, I could see him in the mirrors, just sitting outside his front door, losing it.

That was it. That was my last day in Las Vegas.

My parents and I loaded up everything and drove off. I fell asleep before we were out of town and I woke up in a new city - in a new life.

Checked in, took my stuff up to my apartment, met my roommate. He's pretty cool. His name is Charles, and he's from Singapore, but he went to high school in Monterey. He seems to come from a wealthy family. He drives an '07 Range Rover, which helps me because I have no car. He also has a Bathin' Ape polo. I thought that was pretty pro. He's an economics major. Not too bad.

The first week here was Welcome Week, full of all kinds of activities to keep the new students busy. I'd have to say that the best things were the dance in the quad, the concert with June, The Higher, and Mae, and the comedy show with Ant and Bobby Lee. It was good to hear a hometown band playing here. The Higher's last song was Insurance, and recorded it for my friends. There was a good looking girl at the concert - Morgane - and I stayed until the end because I wanted to talk to her. In a new place like this, where nobody knows anybody, I figured it couldn't hurt to approach anybody without feeling like a creep. After the concert ended, I walked up and told her I couldn't help but notice her. I asked if she wanted to go to lunch sometime. She told me she had a boyfriend, but we agreed to be friends if nothing else, so we introduced ourselves. As soon as I got back to my apartment, I looked her up on Facebook. Turns out we live in the same apartment complex.

The first week of classes went well, I suppose. We didn't really do a lot of work. Apparently, when events go off on the calendar on my cell phone, they disable the alarm. As a result, nothing went off on Thursday, and I woke up at 9:00 when I had a class starting at 8:00- Writing 140. I also had to turn in a diagnostic essay for this class, which I had stayed up to finish the night before, so as soon as I woke up, I printed my shit out, threw on my rollerblades for the first time since I've been here, and rushed down to the classroom. I showed up just in time to walk with the class to see where my instructor would be holding his office hours. As we walked, I turned in my paper. It was lucky that my Law, Politics, and Public Policy professor had cancelled class this day, because otherwise, I wouldn't have had the extra hour to go back and shower before my next class.

My classes are alright. I have:
•Calculus I
•Introduction to Computer Engineering/Computer Science
•Engineering Freshman Academy
•Law, Politics, and Public Policy
•Writing and Critical Reasoning

The first three aren't bad, but the last two are my GE classes. I'm required to take courses in given fields in order to graduate. There are six categories, but political science and writing courses are linked, so I guess it's good that I'm taking care of them now. I get the feeling I'm going to do worst in these two classes, especially since there's so much reading to do for them. I was thinking about transferring out of Calc I into Calc II because I scored higher on my placement test than this other guy I know here, who's in Calc II, and because I'm kinda bored with what we're doing in Calc I, but I figure it'll be decent review of everything I learned last year and it'll get me more acclimated to college courses because it involves more proofs than we did in high school. Besides, it's only a semester.

Well, let's talk about the party scene here...

The first Saturday after classes started was the day of our first football game. It was a home game against a team we were guaranteed to beat. Apparently, we haven't lost a single home game in years. I walked over to campus to check things out, and it was exactly as these upperclassmen in my apartment complex told me. The entire campus is a party. People are setup everywhere with TVs to watch the game, lawn chairs, barbecues, and drinks. I could've gotten a few beers if I wanted, but I wasn't really feelin' it at the time. It's okay. I made up for it later in the night.

Charles, a couple of his friends, and I went back to my apartment to watch the game. Decent-sized TV and surround sound stereo ftw. Later on, Morgane and her friend came over to watch some of the game, too. We won, but we didn't beat the point spread, so it was an okay game. Mind you, the point spread was -48 for USC, and went up to about -50 or -51 at half-time. I'm glad Niki got me into betting on games for that little bit of time during junior year, because I felt pro explaining the concept of the point spread and the over/under, and I felt that I needed to be the one to explain it, since I'm the one from Las Vegas.

Eventually, we got bored of the game we had already won, so we decided to leave and go to frat row to find a party. We got lost a bit.. walked too far north and not far enough east. We finally got there, and walked to the Beta Omega Phi house. This house is the asian frat house. It's pretty much the farthest house east on the row, so it was farthest from my apartment. We got there, and the girls got in free, but they were charging $30 each for the guys. Charles and I only had about $11 each on us, so we had to walk all the way back to our apartment to get more money. After we picked that up, we decided to drive back. I thought it amusing to find out that my roommate, who went to high school in California, doesn't know how to parallel park well at all. He ended up getting out and letting me park his car. It's a good thing I learned how to drive in reverse so well back home.

We parked pretty far from the Beta house, but it was still better than walking the entire way from the apartment. When we got back to the frat, I told the guy at the door, "for $30, I should be getting valet service and a shoe-shine." That's when the guy told me they were now charging $60 each to get in. Yeah, I know... Even I was getting stretched at $30. There was no way I was going to pay $60. Luckily, nobody had changed shifts, so the guy at the door was the same guy who told us we needed $30. He knew we had to go all the way back to our place just to get $30, so he let us in for that much.

Fuck paying that much to get in there. They have people behind tables running the drinks, so I can't just take what I please without feeling like a greedy asshole because I have to ask for it before I get it. Granted, I can probably ask for whatever I want, since the cover charge is so high and they told me at the door I could have unlimited drinks, but still... And even though they've got a pretty decent dance floor and a DJ to go with it, the girls there like, don't dance with people unless they know you. I got bored after 15 minutes, so I went back out to the front yard, then decided to go toward the back of the house because I saw a game of beer pong going on.

Well, it was easy to get back there, but it turned out that behind the frat house, there are four apartments connected to it that just get rented out to whoever. These people playing were cool, though. They said they used to be part of the frat nextdoor, but they got kicked out at the semester. Since I wasn't having much fun inside the Beta house, I just chilled with these people and watched them play. They were already all wasted, and I wasn't even buzzed, so I didn't really start having fun until I got in on a game. The frat party was over before my games, so I told Charles to meet me and join a game. Turns out, this guy's never played beer pong before, either. I had to explain the general rules to him.

The rules here are a bit different than the ones I've played, at least at this particular place. In Vegas, girls can blow the ball out if it's spinning around the cup and guys can finger it out. Here, only the girls can blow, and fingering isn't allowed. Here, there's a rule that if you shoot and the ball rolls back on the table and you pick it back up, you get to shoot again, but you have to shoot behind the back. I almost made a shot behind the back. It actually hit the cups, which I guess doesn't happen often here. In Vegas, you start with ten cups, re-rack at six, and then re-rack after each cup is made. Here, you only get two re-racks per game, but you can do them whenever you want. I saw a team re-rack at seven, with a pyramid and one attached to a side. It was weird. In Vegas, if both teammates make the same cup, that's game over. Here, it's a bomb - the cup made plus the adjacent cups, up to four extra. Then there were some other little things like having to say "I'm warming up" after you make two cups in a row and then "I'm on fire" after you make three in a row.

So, at the end of the night, these guys let me drink their beer through three games. I owe those guys. Charles beat me because he played basketball in high school. Fuckin' hustler, haha. We finally left late into the night, and Charles didn't want to get caught driving drunk, and wanted to walk home, but I convinced him that we could just take the backstreets and we'd be fine. We were fine, but the funny thing was that in the parking garage, he parked, but then wanted to straighten it out, so he backed up... and just lightly scraped his driver-side mirror against a pillar. I lol'd. He said the next day that the mirror was fine. I wanna throw in here that the parking garage in my apartment complex scares me. The clearance is only six feet, so when I run through it, I feel like I'm going to slam my head into a pipe or something. When I was moving in, my dad's friend Les and I had to stand on the back of the Expedition when we drove through the garage so it wouldn't scrape the pipes hanging down.

Anyway, that was two Saturdays ago. Last Saturday, I went with this girl Jourdan to a party that the swim team was having. It was pretty cool. It wasn't too crowded at first, but near the end, it was extremely full. They must've gone through five or six kegs while I was there. I got one fuckin' game of beer pong in with Jourdan as my partner, but she wasn't that good, so we lost. I was actually doing really good that night. When our last cup got hit, we had two left on the other side, and I sank the first and hit the second one, so my shot was going pretty good. If I had brought us into overtime, I would've shit myself.

We lost two these other two freshmen, who happen to be members of the dive team. I talked to one guy about his list of dives, and it very much discourages me to have ever even thought about being good enough to make the team. My list has a front 1½ with a full twist, a front 1½ pike, a front 2½ tuck, a back 1½ pike, a reverse 1½ tuck, and an inward 1½ tuck. His list has a front 2½ pike, a front 3½ tuck, a back 2½ tuck, a reverse 2½ tuck, an inward 2½ tuck, and I think a better twisting dive than I have. I was looking around on Facebook and I found out that my dive coach over the summer actually knows this guy. She dove with him at Mission Viejo.

Well, the swim team party got broken up by DPS (USC's Department of Public Safety), so Jourdan and I walked down to frat row to find another party. On the way, we ran into this girl Andrea, who lives across the hall from Jourdan. We all went to see if those guys from the week before were playing beer pong, but nobody was there, so we just went to the Beta party again. I only had $21 on me, and was only able to get $10 from Andrea, which I still owe her, so they let me in for $31 instead of the $40 they were charging this time. My roommate said he was there earlier in the night, and they were charging $25. Gah. Well, this time was better, because I was already decently tipsy when I got there, we had a few drinks inside, and I danced with Jourdan for quite awhile. Things went pretty well. We walked one of the girls' friends back to her place because she would've been alone otherwise and it was farther than our place. We hung out there, stole some condoms from the bag outside the RA's door there, and walked back to our apartment complex. I said goodnight to them and went back to my place to call it a night.

Well, there's the summary of the last few weeks for you. Let's get a little more into the other stuff.

Laura has been having a really hard time being away from me. She left a voicemail the other day crying. I feel really bad for her. I mean, I miss her, yeah, but there's not a lot I can do about it all the way over here. She gets frustrated when we run out of things to say to each other, and she keeps asking me the same questions for the sake of keeping contact with me. A few times a week, she'll call or text me at 11:11 and tell me to make a wish. Every time she does, my wish is that she'll find another guy to be happy with, because being bummed out all the time really isn't good for her. Like I said before, I want her to have the best senior year, to make up for how much time I wasted during mine, all cooped up in my room doing homework and not going out with my friends.

Thinking about it, I kinda do the same thing here. I stay in the apartment most of the week trying to do homework, and I stay in much of the weekend, too, just because I want to get things done. I'm gonna try to change that up a bit. I need to go out to eat more on weekdays, so I can go with friends and hang out. I need to start going farther from campus to learn more about the area, but I need to go with friends so we have strength in numbers and don't get mugged or shot at or anything like that. I also need to know more about the surrounding area because I don't want my friends being bored here in the apartment if they're gonna come all the way down here to visit sometime in the next month, like they say they want to.

If I can think of more to say, I will. But for now, I've been writing for the past two to two and a half hours, so this should be enough to hold you over.

Best regards,
Vaniah Schwenoha

Overwhelmed

20 August 2007

3:32 PM

It's been four months since I've written.
Shit... This is gonna take awhile.

Pick up from last entry - I'm over Nikita.
•I bought flowers and set them in front of her house when she came back from her StuCo trip.
•I drove as fast as I could after school to her house to make sure she was alright after she flipped her car.
•I asked her to prom by writing a poem in sidewalk-chalk on her front doorstep:

I know you've been going through a lot of change lately
And you may not quite yet be ready to date me
But assuming you're ready to begin things anew
I'd really love to go to prom with you!

'change' is underlined because the entire thing was covered with like, $20 in pennies.
•I bought a new pair of slacks for my black suit and had them tailored the day of prom for a date with her - total cost: $105.
•I brought her flowers that night, as well.

In return:
•"It's not that I don't want to go to prom with you... I just don't want to go to prom.... We can still hang out that night and all..."
•She had dinner with Ron on prom night, while I had dinner alone at another restaurant with Chris, Niki, Dallas, and their dates.
•She left the flowers I gave her on prom night at the hotel room.
•And I didn't get my $20 in pennies back.

So, yeah... After I got super wasted on prom night with drinks including a shot of Everclear chased by a shot of Bacardi 151, hit on her, passed out, and puked on her couch, I could tell by the tone in her texts that she wasn't even considering me.

Too fucking bad for her, I say.

It's cool though. After I got over that, I started talking to one of the divers through MySpace. Ms. Laura Ernst. She attends Coronado High School, and she's entering her senior year. Anyway, we got along well, and soon enough, we started dating. I love her =)
But, I'm also leaving for college in t-minus two days =(
Here's where I sum up our relationship and how I feel:

I'm very glad I got to know her. I wish I had started talking to her during my first year of diving. She's a great person, and I know she'll make someone very happy one day... I don't want to try to hold a long-distance relationship because it's going to be her senior year and I want her to be able to have romances and dates to the dances. I want her to have as much fun as she can this year. I didn't have as much fun as I could have my senior year, so I hope she can make up for it. She thinks I'm going to forget her, but that's impossible. I'm glad this happened. I'm glad we happened. I just wish it didn't have to end.

I'll get back to my emotions in a little bit. For now, I should discuss my summer.

Summer's been really great. I've been diving, for one because I'm still trying to tell myself I have a chance of walking on at USC, but if nothing else, to keep my flexibility and get some exercise.

There have been two hotel parties this summer - both hosted by members of Team Nihar, both at these amazing hotel rooms at the top of the MGM - The SkyLofts. If you've seen Ocean's Thirteen, it might interest you to know hat SkyLofts got the Five Diamond Award this year - one of only five hotels in Vegas to get it.

The first party was for graduation. Niki and I planned it, and it turned out great. We paid for the room, left $45 on the table for the maids because we knew we fucked it up, and still had $15 to buy lunch after we checked out.

The second... Was a bit worse...
This one was entirely planned by Niki, and was thrown as a going-away party for everybody who's going out of town for college. It was held on the 30th of July - the latest it could have possibly been, because Ron left the very next morning for Seattle. This party was far more populated than the last... I literally had to hug the walls to get from one room to another. There were enough people for me to go crowd surfing in the living room. Of course, with more people come more potential thieves. To date, I know that a digital camera and cell phone were taken. Also, someone took about $150 from the money in the safe that was supposed to pay for the hotel room, and then reset the 4-digit numeric code on the safe. We had to have the locksmith come up and open it for us the next morning.

Having lost that much was enough... But it seems fate didn't see it that way.

A few days ago, Niki's mom called and told him that $2000 had been taken out of her bank account by MGM Mirage to pay for damages to the room. The report said that the limestone and carpet had to be deep-cleaned, there was fruit on the windows and walls, the walls had to be repainted, there was broken glass everywhere, the carpet was frayed, and the repairs would leave the room unavailable for four days.

Niki's mom was, understandably, upset.
She told him that she wants the money back, plus overdraft fees, within seven days, or else she'll sell his car.
As soon as Team Nihar found out about that, we've been trying to think of ways to get the money... Niki's mom called him back the next day, crying, and by demanding more than $2100, upset Niki to the point of taking a good, swift swing to his computer. He hit the side of his tower closest to the motherboard, and my guess is that he broke the motherboard, processor, or both.

Well, the best ideas we've come up with for making this money are as follows:
•Sell as much of our property as we can
•Give my mom $1000 and let her use it to play poker, with the intent of tripling it or better
•Give Niki money to play poker himself, at tables in California

The first option is in play, but isn't doing well, as most of the things I can sell are worth less than $50 each. The second can't be done until my mom is off work, those days being Wednesday and Thursday. The third is being initiated as I type this, as Niki and Chris are driving south for Niki to session and enter some tournaments.

Niki's being financially backed by Sarah Williams, mainly because Dallas is skeptical about Niki's competence in succeeding, and won't front him the money. Niki thinks Sarah, Chris, Alma and Salome are the only ones to believe he can come back with a profit. I dunno what he thinks about me, but whenever he reads this, I'd just like to let him know that I believe in him, too. He's made pretty good money playing online poker, and showed his live poker-playing skills at the poker tournament at my sister's house a few months ago, where he took third. I've known the guy the longest out of all of my friends - since third grade. I know what he's capable of.

I'm just really upset that this trouble had to come at a time like this. Two of my very, very best friends just left for a three-day trip to California in an attempt to get us out of a bind, and I'll be gone to college before they get back. I've been typing through tears since the sentence about how long I've known Niki. I can't believe I'm about to do this. Chris, Niki, and Dallas are my best friends, and I'm gonna be gone in two days to start a new life, and to make new friends. But not to ditch old ones. I'll know these guys forever. I know that. Both of my hands are numb and shaking. I'll have to pick up from this blog when I regain composure, whenever that is.

God bless, Niki and Chris.
Best regards,
Vaniah Juniper Schwenoha.

A few quick updates

7 April 2007
2:52 AM

1.) Hung out with Chris, Niki, and Jessica at Nikita's house today. We played Scattergories. Noticed the flowers on the coffee table =) They're doing well, and look even lovelier than they did when I bought them because they've bloomed more =)

2.) It's always nice to start hanging out with new people because they always bring with them new music that captures my interest and that I probably wouldn't stumble upon on my own.

3.) I'm falling for her much harder than I thought I was... I'm just so interested in her life... I want to know more =]

Actions speak louder than words, so act now.

Vaniah Schwenoha

Madness

6 April 2007

6:06 PM

That may possibly be the only word capable of describing my life right now.

Start from the end of the last blog...

About a week before the state cheer competition, I was at the gymnastic center and tried a roundoff back tuck front tuck. I came out of the back tuck super early, landed at an immense angle, and hardcore sprained my right ankle. I know, I know. I'm a badass. With the help of an ankle brace, I was able to throw a couple back handsprings and a back tuck at competition. Yay! btw, competition was so amazing! We did our best, and I couldn't be happier of my squad =) I should've gotten into cheer a few years ago...

Diving has started. I'm pretty rusty on some dives, but I've been improving. I had a personal best score the other day of about 187. The one thing that irks me is that the divers from other schools that are pretty far away have friends who come and support them at meets, but none of my friends ever come to watch, and the meets are just down the street at UNLV. Oh well.

I got accepted to USC =D
zomg, it's going to be so expensive. But, it's going to be a lot of fun, too. My mom doesn't care about taking loans or anything. She just wants me to get a good education.

More recent, more personal
A few weeks ago, Ron invited everybody to this park way out in BFE to have a party around a bonfire. It was slow to start, but once it got going, it turned out really great. Fun facts:
1.) I went and grabbed a beer, came back to the fire pit, and found myself in the middle of a game of Truth or Dare. Turns out I picked dare, and got dared by Alecs to run around the fire pit naked... which I did. rofl
2.) Ron wanted his friend to kiss somebody, so he asked me to kiss her. I said I would compromise and triple kiss his friend and another girl. They didn't want to do it, so I compromised more. In the end, I pecked Ron on the lips quickly in order to triple kiss the two girls.
3.) The second girl in the triple kiss ended up hooking up with me for the rest of the night. It was very surprising

So there was that... The next week, that girl wanted to hook up with me again. This is where things get a bit complicated...

The Friday after the bonfire party, Alexa had a small hotel room available at Harrah's that we were invited to party in. Well, it turned out to be very, very small, and there were too many people there and we were too loud, so we ended up leaving and going to Soli's house, which surprised the hell out of everybody because Soli doesn't usually condone drinking at his house. Everything was going okay for awhile. At one point, I saw the back door open, so I went out to see if anyone was there. Nikita was over by the diving board in the grass, on the phone, and noticeably upset. I didn't really want to bother her, so I went back inside. Later on, Jessica came and got me and told me to talk to Nikita because she was really sad. Turns out she and Travis had broken up the week before. You remember Travis, don't you? The guy I mentioned back in February of 2006 who I thought Nikita had a thing for...

Okay, so no big deal. I just go out and keep her company while she calms her nerves down... *pause* NOT!

We get to talking, and we're both rather drunk, so a lot of things get said. A lot of questions come out and a lot of the past gets talked about. Back in 2006, when I said I had a slight interest in Nikita... turns out she had a slight interest in me, too. If I had been more assertive back then and just let her know how I felt, I might be in a different position than I am today. Instead, I stayed silent and watched her start a relationship with Travis. It was a dick move on my part.

We talked on the back patio - a lot - and then we went back inside for a bit. Later on, Nikita came and found me because she wanted to finish our conversation. Instead of going back to the patio, we went out front. I didn't want to sit on the grass 'cause it was fairly chilly out, so I suggested we sit in Chris' car. I opened the passenger-side door for her, sat her down and started to head to the driver-side door. Well, I didn't get far from her side before she grabbed my arm and told me to sit with her on the passenger side. I made myself comfortable and enjoyed her company and the feel of her body next to mine as we talked, but I made sure not to make any moves because I knew that she was super drunk and someone would regret something in the morning. A lot more personal stuff got said, and after quite awhile, we finally went back inside.

Well, while all of this was going on, keep in mind that everybody was trying to get me back into the house because Charlene (the girl from the week prior) wanted to hang out with me. Here, we introduce my dilemma. Mind you, I hadn't been planning on having a relationship with Charlene, even before Nikita came into the picture, because she just didn't seem like my type. Well, that and the fact that she's super quiet and despises Niki because of his relations with Lucille. After I went back inside, I tried to hang out with Charlene for awhile. We ended up hooking up again, and afterward I fell asleep, only to find her and a few other people gone when I woke in the morning.

The next day, Ron, Nikita, Jessica, and Charlene came to my house and hung out for a bit. This made things awkward because both Nikita and Charlene were there, so I tried not to be too obvious of my feelings toward Nikita. However, Ron hadn't been at Soli's house the night before, so he didn't know about Nikita, and thus, he was still trying to get me with Charlene. All of a sudden, Ron got up and said he was going to meet his friend somewhere and Nikita and Jessica got up and said they were going to go home. Grrreat... I tried striking up several conversations with Charlene, but she didn't carry into any of them. Finally, she suggested we watch a movie. Don't act like you don't know why someone would suggest watching a movie alone. About twenty minutes into watching Dogma, Chris showed up from work, but he fell asleep soon after. I didn't want to lead Charlene on any longer, so I did the only thing I could do - I faked being asleep for the rest of the movie. El Oh El. After the movie ended, I drowsily woke from my fake sleep. Charlene called Ron, who was supposed to pick her up, and he said he'd be back in half an hour. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Okay, bite the bullet. I hooked up with Charlene for that half hour.

After such confusing events, I decided I needed to do something to simplify my situation. I had planned on getting to know Nikita for the next week, staying away from Charlene for the next week, and telling Charlene around Thursday that I didn't see us going anywhere relationship-wise because we didn't talk much. Well, that slow plan really went to hell when it was the next day, Sunday, and I opted to break normal Sunday routines and go with Nikita to the mall and a movie and I told Charlene online that I didn't think things were going to work out. G-fucking-G.

So since then, it's been quite interesting. I pretty much completely broke off connection to Charlene and tried talking to Nikita through texts for the next few days before she left for Winnemucca for a student council event. She was gone from Wednesday 'til Saturday - the first Saturday of spring break. I knew she was getting back late, and though she said we'd hang out if she weren't too tired after she got back, I knew she would be. I still wanted to welcome her back from her trip somehow, though, so I planned on buying a small bouquet of flowers and leaving them for her to find when she returned home. Well, I ended up falling asleep for a bit and sleeping through my alarm to let me know to leave, so at about 3:00 in the morning, I went and got the flowers, picked up an extra vase and some water I had at home, and set up the bouquet on the doorstep of Nikita's house for her to find in the morning. I left a note saying "Welcome home =)" and sent a text message with the same contents and went home to sleep. Around noon the next morning, I went to check whether or not she had found them yet, but when I drove past her house, her garage was open and someone was outside, so I just passed by. I didn't even get back to Torrey Pines before I finally got the text saying "Thanks for the flowers!" I hope they weren't wilted when she found them =)

For the first part of spring break, things went very slow and we didn't do much. Finally, Wednesday came around - the day of Dallas and Lola's combined birthday party at THEhotel at Mandalay Bay. The room was pretty nice, and there was plenty of alcohol for the crowd. I remember coming back after having picked up Chris from his house and saying that I didn't want to leave the hotel again after that. I remember that because I jinxed myself. Dallas went fuckin' crazy about some shit and ended up down in the parking garage in his car. Niki called me down, so I left the room - and Nikita - and went to see what was up. As soon as I saw his car and started walking toward it, he fucking took off. I was just about fed up with his shit, so I started walking back toward the room while Niki was going to try to chase after him. Fuckin'... I get down and out of the parking garage elevator with Brittany and Alexa... Niki's back down there too, and he wants me to drive because he's too drunk. Ugh. So we drive all the way the fuck back to Dallas' house, look there, Soli's house, and the park... not there. We drive back. It's been like, an hour or more, and now I'm definitely fed up with Dallas' shit. He ended up back at the hotel before us, too. We head back upstairs, I get out of the elevator on our floor and start walking through the hallway... If it weren't for the security guard I saw walking down the hall, Chris wouldn't have had time to explain why the first thing I saw when I got back was Nikita in his lap in the hallway. Instead, I just went in the room and QQ'd for a bit until Chris got back. He told me that he was just keeping her company because I wasn't there and that he was doing his best to compliment me in front of her. Thanks Chris.

I drank a lot of beer after I got back because I was upset about a few things, particularly things relating to Nikita, such as the whole Chris thing and the fact that Jessica came up to me and told me a bunch of shit I didn't want to hear at the time. I passed out sometime during the night from all that beer. We woke in the morning, got pho for breakfast, and all went home.

So now it's Thursday, and it's the day that Chris, Niki, and I are supposed to have our hotel party at The Signature at MGM Grand. There were a few snags getting things sorted out, including getting checked in and figuring out how our guests were going to bypass the gate into the property that one needs a valet pass to get through. Luckily, there's a walkway - be it a lengthy one - that connects the MGM Grand and The Signature and has low enough security to get people through and to the hotel lobby.

Okay. All I have to say about our hotel room is "WOW!!!" The place was fucking amazing! We were at the end of the hall in a 900-square-foot room with a kitchen complete with fridge and freezer and a comfy ass bed and a desk that had a flat-panel HDTV rise out of it and a balcony and... Ugghh!!! So awesome! People started showing up and all that jazz, and it wasn't until about 10:00 until I could finally get use of Niki's car to pick up Nikita and her friends. Once we got back, I had a few sips of beer, but before I took any shots or anything, I took Nikita into the hallway to talk to her. I let her know that I realized that the majority of the times we've hung out in the past three weeks, we've been drunk, and that when I'm drunk I say a lot of crazy shit to her regarding my feelings for her. I told her that while being drunk makes it easier to say those kinds of things, it's surely not the most effective way to tell her, so I just wanted to let her know soberly and sincerely that I really do like her, and that I understand her hesitance in engaging herself in another relationship so soon. I think I left one thing out when I talked to her. I wanted to tell her that even though she may not like me as much as I do her at the time, I just want her to know how I feel, because I let her slip away from me once, over a year ago, and I want to do as much as I can to prevent that from happening again.

Anyway, our party turned out pretty great if I do say so myself. Security came and talked to us once, but they were hella chill about it, and after that we just had people stay as far from the front door as possible when dancing and going crazy and shit. I remember focusing quite a bit on being around Nikita. I hope she doesn't get uncomfortable when I do that. Chris was super-cool wingman again and convinced Nikita to sleep on my bed at the end of the night. I also remember waking up first and watching Nikita sleep for a little bit before I got up and started walking around. She's so beautiful =)

I need to go back a night. When we checked into the hotel, we looked around a bit in the kitchen cabinets and stuff and found, tucked away in a corner of a cabinet, a small nugget of weed. Now that I've filled that in, I can let you know that while cleaning up the room this morning, I decided to look on top of the shelving and stuff for things. Totally unexpected, I found a pipe and lighter on top of the television shelving unit in the living area! Then, just for the hell of it, Niki looked on top of the kitchen cabinets... and found a bong! Wow! Holy hell, did we pick a room! We're gonna sell 'em to help reimburse us a little for the room, considering it cost $650 after alcohol and mixers.

Okay. Filled in the blanks. Pew Pew. Just wanna thank Niki's mom for renting the hotel rooms for us, my friends for being super badasses and helpin' me in my social life, and Nikita for hanging out the past few weeks =)

Starting to take my own advice:
Actions speak louder than words, so act now.
Vaniah Schwenoha

I need this

17 January 2007
1:09 AM

Two and a half months between entries feels so much longer to me for some reason.

Almost all other blogs I read have stopped, so at least I'm not alone. Two of those blogs' most recent entries are before the dramatic changes of a breakup. Unfortunately for me, my relationship status hasn't changed since my last, most-aggravated, entry.

I just read that entry, and wow. I'm hella sorry for being such a dick in that one. I hope nobody read it and wanted to kill themselves afterward.

Two and a half months is a lot to cover. Let's begin.

I finally started applying to some colleges. I did an on-site with UNLV at my high school and got accepted (surprise). The only benefit of going there would be how little it would cost my parents. The only other school as of right now that I've finished applying to is USC. That one got done the weekend before the deadline. Smooth, huh? I waited too long to apply, because the deadline for potential scholarship applicants was the 11th of December, as opposed to the regular application deadline of the 10th of January. I had one of my old English teachers and my Chemistry teacher write my letters of recommendation, but the scholarship counselor wanted to help me out as well, so she wrote one. Of course, I had never held a conversation with her before, so she called me into her office one day to get to know me and decide what she wanted to put into her letter. I had never been interviewed like that. She asked me quite a few personal questions, and I guess I just wasn't expecting it. For my entire life, I've always had a hard time sticking up for myself, and it really showed when the counselor had my friends leave the room to ask about my personal life and what goes on in my home. If you asked me why I got so teary-eyed, I couldn't tell you. It could be because I was just nervous and unsure of discussing that kind of information with a near-stranger. It could be that I had never myself thought about those aspects of my life, and having to state them out loud brought it all home for me to comprehend.

So what'd I tell her? I told her that my friends keep me together, and that without them I'd probably have absolutely nothing. I told her that in my house, my mom's the bread-winner while my dad's the moral support. For Mom, the main goal is to make money. "Show me the money." For Dad, it's a struggle to be positive when that's all Mom thinks about. He's there though, and I do appreciate it, no matter how little I show it.

What about me? For me, it's all about enjoying what you do. I've brought up the concept of being a professional diver for a performance like 'O', but whenever I do, my mom just writes it off because she doesn't think it'll make enough money. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me. It'd be what I love to do and I'd get paid for it. What more could I want? The body has its limits, however, and after long enough, an education in my second interest, computers, would be best. That's what college is for.

The counselor wrote a really good letter. Ten minutes of honest conversation yeilded a more meaningful letter than either of the ones from teachers I had had class with for two years.

Next topic.

I like cheer. It's been a very bumpy ride with all our letdowns and such, but it really does feel good to be part of a team. Sure, I was considered part of the swim team the past two years in diving, but I never talked to or hung out with any of the swimmers. It's much different with the cheerleaders. I am really pleased to have a team for once in my life.

School is up and down, as usual. I do the work that needs to be finished, but that's about it. All the procrastination brings one of those weeks where you have to just sit down, shut up, and work, work, work. I uhh... I think I decided to go through that week some other time, haha. Semester exams are this week, and I hope I can pull my ass out of the fire and get some A's. That'd be nice. If you read this, it would be much appreciated if you would talk to me every once in awhile and make sure I'm on track with my work. I can't juggle forever. I need to learn.

Well, that summarizes my life as of right now. Eat, sleep, school, cheer, repeat. When necessary, replace eating with something more productive.

Now for the personal input...

I had to go to the bank today and deposit money in my mom's account. While I was there, I couldn't help but notice the decorations. But why? Then it hit me - Valentine's Day is in less than a month.

Oh fuck.

I need to do something about finding a girl. There's one girl that I'm interested in who I talk to more than anybody else. She's a sophomore - when I finally looked around this year, I realized that as long as you're in high school, there really aren't age boundaries between people anymore... Getting off subject... Anyway, she's pretty cool, and seems to have some of the same interests that I have. Now it's just a matter of mustering up the ambition to do something about the things I feel.

Man, I wish I had more time to do these. They really help me organize my thoughts and feelings. If you don't hear from me for another three months, I'm sorry, but I'll try to get back.

New closing:

Actions speak louder than words, so act now.
Vaniah Schwenoha

Pride in oneself: More complicated than it sounds

5 November 2006 (Remember remember, the fifth of November)

1:33 AM

...I don't even know where to start.

I suppose I should try to pick up from my last post, however long ago that was.

My mind is off Fran. I made a habit of checking her page frequently after I put her on my Top Friends list on MySpace, so in order to break that cycle, I simply took her off that list. We barely ever talk anymore. I don't really mind. I've come to the conclusion that people who claim to be bi are really homosexual, but haven't come to terms with it completely yet. Excuse me for being so blunt.

I joined the 'stunt team' at my school... Yes, stunt team means cheerleaders. I am a dedicated cheerleader at Durango, and I couldn't be more proud of it. If you can't fathom the concept of Vaniah being a male cheerleader, then you should stop reading this blog and get the fuck out of my life. Thanks.

It's really a lot of fun - and harder than you'd imagine it to be. When you're at a game and you see those girls lift one of their own in the air, you don't really think about how hard it might be to lift and balance that weight. Now I know from experience. I'm a back spot, and it's hard work, especially when the others know what they're doing and you are the newby, who's trying to figure out what you're doing wrong. Also, I used to be confident in my tumbling. Now all I can think of is how I do everything wrong and how I wish I could fix it.

My classes are getting harder. Every weekend, I tell myself that I'll sit down and concentrate on the work that needs to get done. It never happens, and it's probably going to be my downfall in this upcoming quarter. I even skipped a day of school just yesterday because I didn't have my homework done. Not only did that make me feel incompetent, but I felt even worse when my mom wouldn't let me go to the school later that day to go to practice. It's one thing to let yourself down. It's completely different when you're part of a four-person stunt group and your teammates can't practice efficiently because you're not there. I hate the feeling of letting others down.

I intentionally hooked up with someone last weekend for the first time in my life. The major problem with it though is that the girl likes me. A lot, apparently. Just tonight, my friend came up to me and told me that I need to stop leading her on, because it's tearing her up inside. I wish it were just that easy to listen to myself from the inside. In truth, I can't tell you what the fuck my deal is. I could sit here and tell you like all the others that I just haven't given myself the time to think things through and consider the pros and cons of the girl and her qualities. I could mention that other girls run through my mind possibly more often than she does, particularly a girl on the cheer squad, who may be the first black girl I've ever considered myself physically attracted to - something that I find intriguing on my part. I could tell you, as I just told my friend no more than ten minutes ago, that there are times when I just don't think this girl is my type, whatever that may be, because of the things she does or the way she acts. But the thing is, I'm sure everybody's fed up with my excuses. I can't fucking tell you what's wrong with me. Everybody seems to like this girl but me, and it's so hard to dig deep down inside and find the answers as to why. In all honesty, I don't know.

Am I afraid of committing myself again? Am I just interested in partying with people all the time and being free enough to dance with whoever I want and to look at whoever catches my eye? If so, then why am I constantly thinking, "When will that girl come along? The girl who steals my soul and who I give everything to... The girl I love enough to lose my virginity to..."

I really didn't think I could place this many sporadic thoughts into such a comparatively short blog, but I think I've done it. I credit the alcohol in my system with such an accomplishment.

Best of luck...

Take it easy, but strike hard [If I'm not going to, then someone has to]
Vaniah Schwenoha