Pride in oneself: More complicated than it sounds

5 November 2006 (Remember remember, the fifth of November)

1:33 AM

...I don't even know where to start.

I suppose I should try to pick up from my last post, however long ago that was.

My mind is off Fran. I made a habit of checking her page frequently after I put her on my Top Friends list on MySpace, so in order to break that cycle, I simply took her off that list. We barely ever talk anymore. I don't really mind. I've come to the conclusion that people who claim to be bi are really homosexual, but haven't come to terms with it completely yet. Excuse me for being so blunt.

I joined the 'stunt team' at my school... Yes, stunt team means cheerleaders. I am a dedicated cheerleader at Durango, and I couldn't be more proud of it. If you can't fathom the concept of Vaniah being a male cheerleader, then you should stop reading this blog and get the fuck out of my life. Thanks.

It's really a lot of fun - and harder than you'd imagine it to be. When you're at a game and you see those girls lift one of their own in the air, you don't really think about how hard it might be to lift and balance that weight. Now I know from experience. I'm a back spot, and it's hard work, especially when the others know what they're doing and you are the newby, who's trying to figure out what you're doing wrong. Also, I used to be confident in my tumbling. Now all I can think of is how I do everything wrong and how I wish I could fix it.

My classes are getting harder. Every weekend, I tell myself that I'll sit down and concentrate on the work that needs to get done. It never happens, and it's probably going to be my downfall in this upcoming quarter. I even skipped a day of school just yesterday because I didn't have my homework done. Not only did that make me feel incompetent, but I felt even worse when my mom wouldn't let me go to the school later that day to go to practice. It's one thing to let yourself down. It's completely different when you're part of a four-person stunt group and your teammates can't practice efficiently because you're not there. I hate the feeling of letting others down.

I intentionally hooked up with someone last weekend for the first time in my life. The major problem with it though is that the girl likes me. A lot, apparently. Just tonight, my friend came up to me and told me that I need to stop leading her on, because it's tearing her up inside. I wish it were just that easy to listen to myself from the inside. In truth, I can't tell you what the fuck my deal is. I could sit here and tell you like all the others that I just haven't given myself the time to think things through and consider the pros and cons of the girl and her qualities. I could mention that other girls run through my mind possibly more often than she does, particularly a girl on the cheer squad, who may be the first black girl I've ever considered myself physically attracted to - something that I find intriguing on my part. I could tell you, as I just told my friend no more than ten minutes ago, that there are times when I just don't think this girl is my type, whatever that may be, because of the things she does or the way she acts. But the thing is, I'm sure everybody's fed up with my excuses. I can't fucking tell you what's wrong with me. Everybody seems to like this girl but me, and it's so hard to dig deep down inside and find the answers as to why. In all honesty, I don't know.

Am I afraid of committing myself again? Am I just interested in partying with people all the time and being free enough to dance with whoever I want and to look at whoever catches my eye? If so, then why am I constantly thinking, "When will that girl come along? The girl who steals my soul and who I give everything to... The girl I love enough to lose my virginity to..."

I really didn't think I could place this many sporadic thoughts into such a comparatively short blog, but I think I've done it. I credit the alcohol in my system with such an accomplishment.

Best of luck...

Take it easy, but strike hard [If I'm not going to, then someone has to]
Vaniah Schwenoha