I lost a friend today...

...and the part that upsets me most is that... I have no idea why.

It was clear that I was asking too much from her, as a friend, to strike up conversations with me when I wasn't doing the same with her. I understood that. Once we established that, I made a conscious effort to say hi about 20% as much as I thought about saying it. So, most of the times I thought about sending a text saying "Hey! What's up?", I instead put my phone back in my pocket and busied myself with something else.

I asked to videochat on Skype one day, and she told me she was busy. I said 'okay,' and told her I'd talk to her some other time. Three days later, I asked to do the same thing, and when she said she was going to bed instead, I jokingly said "Boo! Fine. 'night." She then replied, "What is wrong with you?"

I didn't know that anything was wrong with me.

I was just asking to catch up a little bit with a friend. Her lack of response for the next two days clearly indicated that I don't have the greatest approach to such a request.

It's so much more hurtful when someone blows up in your face about how they feel. They could have easily let you know from the start how they felt, and avoided more conflict, but instead, they just let you pick and scratch and eat away at their patience, assuming you can read their mind, and that you know that they don't want you to bother them.

I don't know why you're so mad at me, Natalia, but I surely hope that you aren't this mad forever. For the brief time we spent hanging out together over the summer, you were a good friend to me. All I really wanted was to provide that friendship and support, even while I was away for school. I doubt you'll ever see it the way I did, but if you ever wonder why, I guess I have to suggest reading the entry before this.

~Vaniah Schwenoha

Periodic Friends

Moving away to college can have a serious impact on the way people interact. I've found that once I move back to L.A. for the semester, I lose touch with so many people from back home who I always talk to when I actually am in town. It's like... You're out of someone's life for the duration of time that you're out of the city they live in. You lose touch.. You don't talk.. You don't even text or send facebook messages between each other. But then, as soon as you get back to town, it's "Hey! How've you been? Let's go grab lunch!"

I admit, I'm guilty of doing the same things to my friends as they reflect on me. I do wish things were different, though. I should be having Skype calls with my close friends. Whenever I'm reminded of them or mention them to someone else in conversation, I should shoot them a text saying, "Hey! I was just thinking about you!"

Why do we have to separate our lives so adamantly from each other? I should be just as close with my Las Vegas friends as I am with my USC friends, regardless of season or schedule. Wouldn't you agree?

~Vaniah Schwenoha

http://_________.tumblr.com/post/1051138540/

http://_________.tumblr.com/post/1051138540/

_________ represents a username. And to _________: I just wish you saw me.

Invisible

I'm not saying I don't enjoy the single life, but it does kill me when I make a conscious effort to interact with someone and they don't seem to even notice me. Thing is.. I was talking with someone before I moved back to LA, and things were going really well; we would text and talk to each other just about every day, and conversation was never one-sided. All of a sudden, I'm back in California, and every time I text her, she responds with two-word answers, as if to simply be responding because she thinks she needs to. What happened to you saying hi first every now and then, or even to the emoticons and space-filling 'haha's and 'lol's when we talked about anything even remotely amusing? I really am sorry I couldn't stay in Las Vegas to see how things panned out, but I hope you know I won't be gone forever, and when I visit during my upcoming vacations, I really would like to hang out with you.

Anyone close to me might be able to guess who I'm talking about right now, but in case not and in the case that you know this girl, I do just want to reflect on something I came across in the facebook news feed.

"thats something im def. doing right now. just going with flow. cuz i know the right person will go out of their way to me what ive been looking for. I dont want to waste my time assuming that whoever im talking to will do just that cuz it never happens. it will just happen i guess :) things are better when it happens unexpectedly anyway"

All I can think of when I see that is "How far is 'out of their way'?" Does 35 miles to the beach and a day spent with you in California count? If not, then perhaps trying to keep in touch with you from a city away, knowing I won't see you in person for the next three months, if not longer. It's selfish babble on my part, I know, especially when I ask you why we don't talk as much as we did before and all you say to me is "There's really not much to say."

...But I still can't help but wonder what could have been. So, here I stand - once again turning away from hope. School and timing and life have separated me from you, and in lieu of that, I am fully prepared and able to smile at the sky and look toward the next hopeful situation I encounter - be it with an individual, an opportunity, or a fortunate turn of events.

And for those of you reading along, I would love for you to be with me when I encounter my new happinesses.

~Vaniah Schwenoha

Back to college. Back to thinking...

...and possibly thinking too hard.

Have you ever noticed sudden changes in someone's mannerisms, or even in the way they converse and interact with you? Whenever I notice such changes, it always makes me wonder what in their lives has changed to yield their reaction. Has someone started talking to me because they learned something new about me? Has someone else stopped talking to me because of something I said or did? If so, why haven't they confronted me about it? Am I making things worse by asking why they're acting differently?

Obviously the case of someone ceasing interaction with you is more concerning than when someone increases interaction. I always want to ask "What's wrong?" but doing so usually brings an awkwardness with it, even if there wasn't something wrong in the first place. So then I want to just let things flow as they may, and even sometimes wait to see if the person in question will initiate a conversation with me instead of me having to start one every time. Though, when I think about that, I worry that there actually might be something wrong, and if there is, then there's a possibility that they won't ever initiate a conversation. Suddenly, I might be losing contact with a friend, and only God knows how long it will take to regain that connection with them, if I ever do.

To be continued...

A Day Late, A Dollar Short

The universe has awarded me this tendency of initiating and/or establishing relationships at the exact moment that it becomes too late for such a relationship to be worth pursuing whole-heartedly. It happened back in '06, when a girlfriend of mine didn't think we were close enough for us to survive a one-month hiatus while she traveled internationally. It happened in the summer of '08, after meeting someone in Las Vegas who I instantly clicked with, only to have to move back to Los Angeles a few weeks later. It happened in the spring of '09, when I met someone who would become my girlfriend, but our single month as a couple in LA wouldn't be enough to keep us together for the duration of the summer, while I was back home in Vegas and she was up north near San Francisco, and also traveling internationally for a month.

And now it recurs again, while I take interest in an old high school friend, but only days before having to move once again back to Los Angeles for my fourth year of college. Currently, I can only wonder when my residence will sit in one place long enough for me to meet, interact, and connect with someone. When will my time with someone be enough time to be ready for something?

That's all for now, I suppose.

~Vaniah Schwenoha

Summer Clubbin', Summer Lovin'

On Monday, I went to Encore Beach Club with Chris, Alma, Alexa, Charles, Aaron, and Mark. I thought we were just going to be floating around for free since it was industry day, but when I got there I found out Chris and the others had agreed to pitch in for a lily pad for us to sit on. Technically it was a complimentary lily pad that came along with a $300 alcohol purchase. Because it was Chris' first time back in Vegas since his birthday, I decided to indulge a bit, and agreed to buy us $45 in food to even out the $50 everyone would be pitching in for the lily.

This was my first time at the beach club, though I had been to Surrender a couple times before. We had a great time, and hung out there from noon 'til 5:00pm. I danced with someone in the pool there, which was fun. She was nice, and surprisingly receptive to people who approached her, though there were surprisingly few people with enough sociability to actually approach her. But I had seen her dancing by herself for a couple hours, and I decided she needed a dance partner. If I remember correctly, her name was Sochi. She told me she lived in LA. I don't think she ever told me her age, but she was clearly older than me. I gave her my number to call me that night, since my friends and I would be going to XS, and I was also going to make a stop at a hotel party, but she never did end up calling me. That was expected, but it was worth a shot.

Anyway, as the Santana song goes, "Into the night." XS doesn't open until 10:30pm, but Mirza and Clarence's hotel party started at 8:00, so I wanted to go to the party, leave to XS for a couple hours, and then come back to the party after. Chris and I left bingo at the Gold Coast and went across the street to the Palms, where he wanted to sign up for a player's card and earn a freebie. We both got cards, and through his max betting on Goldfish, we walked out with him cashing out with a few extra dollars, he earned $5 in complimentary food, and I earned $5 complimentary cash. We went to the Palms because I thought the party was at Palms Place, but I soon found out that it was actually at Mandalay Bay. So, once we were done, we drove over there to check things out.

The party was pretty nice. There were a lot of people there from high school who I enjoyed seeing, as well as some new faces I met at Rathika's birthday party a couple weeks prior. Chris and I started playing some beer pong, and we won a couple of games, but our last game ran a little long, and Chris wanted us to get going so I could drop him off to see Cassie. He wanted to spend the night with her instead of going to XS, which was understandable, since it had been a couple months since being in Vegas with his girlfriend. I dropped him off, went to Encore, and met up with my new friend Luke, who I had unintentionally kept waiting because Chris hadn't told me about the text he sent me while we were at the hotel.

Charles had created a Facebook event for this industry night, so there were a lot of people inside who I knew, as opposed to other times when there are only four or five of us. I walked around with Jeff looking for people to dance with, but he was a little timid at first. Then, suddenly, this group of girls told me they recognized me from the Beach Club earlier in the day. They remembered me because I had taken a couple laps around the pool, and that stuck out because everybody else kind of just stands around drinking or dancing... Which I did my fair share of, but I did also want to swim a little to see how long I could hold my breath.

I started dancing with a Filipino girl, who told me her name was Anne May San Jose. I thought it was a cute way for people to remember her name, but found out later that that actually is her last name. Very ironic, because she attends San Jose State University. We danced all night, and we both impressed each other with how low we could both drop while dancing, haha. I stayed at the club after finding out that the hotel party got shut down, so I got to keep dancing with Anne May. Around 2:30, her friends wanted to go back to their hotel, so we said our goodbyes, but she and I did exchange numbers.

The next day, a few of us went to the drive-in theater to watch Inception, and we met up with Matt at Red Rock after for his birthday. I was talking with Mark about the night before, and he told me I knocked a man's drink over while dipping Anne May on the dance floor. I hadn't remembered that, but I was glad that the man's friends convinced him not to beat the shit out of me, haha. On my way home, I texted Anne May to tell her about it, and instead of texting me back, she actually called me and asked me if I wanted to hang out =)

I picked her and her friend Amy up at Cesar's Palace, where they had gone into Pure, and then I dropped Amy off at their hotel room at Planet Hollywood. Just then, my mom called, wanting me to pick her up from work. I told Anne May that she wouldn't be embarrassed meeting my mom, so she changed out of her dress and into some more casual clothing, and we went across the street to the Bellagio. I thought I'd be picking up my mom and taking her straight home, but once we got there, she had us park and join her while she played a little video poker. We left half an hour later, and then my mom told me she was hungry. Of course, the only valid choice at 3:00am is to get steak and eggs at a casino that offers it on graveyard special. We drove to The Orleans, but the café was closed, so we went to Tuscany, which was... Also closed. Luckily, the Italian restaurant in the casino was offering a limited menu with steak and eggs, so we didn't have to travel to yet another casino to eat.

We spent another 45 minutes or more in the restaurant, and my mom, being the chatterbox she is, talked with Anne May the entire time. They both made good impressions on each other. Finally, we got home, and my mom went upstairs to go to sleep. After that, Anne May and I spent some time alone in my room, since it was already so late that the sun had risen, and we'd have just lost more time driving somewhere else. Her shuttle to the airport was leaving at 10:00am, so I drove her back to her hotel at 8:00am. We said our goodbyes in the thru lane in front of the casino, and... Then I left.

So that's it. My very first vacationship. It was an experience I'll never forget, and I enjoyed every minute of it. Since then, Anne May and I have added each other on Facebook, and we talk a little bit every now and then. It's good to have finally met someone at a club who I didn't just know for one night. And in an improbable world, maybe we'll come across each other again someday. Time will tell, but until then, I'm just ready to let things flow again.

~Vaniah Schwenoha

Long time, no post..

..And that's kinda because I found out that a lot more people check my blog than I thought. People who weren't quite as interested in reading about my thoughts as much as they were concerned for the welfare of their friends who I hung out with. As a result, I started another, private blog, and kept a few entries in there. Here's a re-post of one of those:

MONDAY, MAY 3, 2010

Shit

Without fail, I have come into the same mindset that I always do when I'm left in the dark about things.

Melissa and I haven't been talking as much lately. I honestly don't know what to make of it. On one hand, I know she's been busy, and that she's been spending countless late nights at the library studying and trying to finish this semester out strong. On the other hand, I just can't help but wonder if she thinks about me at all. Every now and then, she'll start talking to me about how so many guys like her, and all she wants to do is be left alone. Do I fall into that group of guys?

Yesterday, she said to me "ughhh i hate boys[...] and i hate being single"

and all I wanted to do was reply back "Well... You don't have to be."

but I know.. I absolutely know that I shouldn't say something like that. There's a 5% chance that saying something like that will flatter her, and make her think seriously about dating me.. But that means there's a 95% chance that saying it will catch her off guard, make her think twice, and drive her away from me like I've drove away Andrea and Angeli.

So, once again, here I sit.. I have to pretend I'm not scared that she doesn't like me. I mean, I've said it before.. If she just wants to be friends, all she needs to do is let me know. But the last time we talked about it, I asked her not to tell me that if she didn't believe it, and her response was that she did like me, and that she just thought we needed to spend more time together over the summer to be sure. So, because she hasn't explicitly told me she's had a change of heart, I just have to sit for the next two weeks and hope there's something to look forward to when I get home.

I can't help but wonder if I'm going to end up alone after this. Wonder, but not fear. I do not fear that I will be alone because I know that I am taking the right steps. I like Lauren, but I might love Melissa. Letting this opportunity go would be a mistake. And at the same time, I know that if Melissa weren't in the picture, I still wouldn't want to hold a relationship over the summer with Lauren, because I feel like I don't know her enough. We haven't been on a single date outside of fraternity and sorority functions, and I feel responsible for that. I haven't invested enough time or emotion into me and Lauren to be able to confidently say that I think we'd make it over the summer together.

Let's hope this all pans out soon....

Dream - Driving Through

I was trying to get to class, but for whatever reason, I had to drive to class from the house. My backpack was large and bulky, and its contents spilled out of the top and rose higher than my head, making the backpack uncomfortable to wear. I was looking for something important that I needed to bring with me to class, but after awhile I could not find it, so I left without it. I was already late.

I drove over, and the school seemed to be located within a mall, because I drove around a bunch of stores looking for a parking spot. Finally, I parked, and walked up the stairs and to the classroom. Class was nearly over by now. Once it ended, I decided to drive around to another spot that was closer to my next class, except my car was not where I thought I had parked it. I spent over five minutes walking around, looking for my car.. Which was an SUV, not my actual car.

I drove around, but could not find a spot. I finally decided to park in front of the Harley Davidson store/service center, and now I was driving a Harley around instead of the SUV I was in. More than that, the Harley belonged to my sister, who met me out front to get it, because she worked at the service center.

Moniez

Keeping track of my expenses: Cakewalk

Keeping track of my parents' expenses: wtf

Dream - Movie

4/10/10

I had a dream that seemed like I was watching a movie. Specifically, the movie was the sequel to The Game Plan, which doesn't actually exist as a movie. In it, the daughter, Peyton, has Alzheimer's. She keeps asking her father, played by The Rock, to watch a movie... I can't remember what the name of the movie was, but I think it had the word 'November' in it. She asks him to watch it with her at least twice.. probably more.. because she obviously forgets that she's already asked him. Also, this dream is in the first person view with me being in the father's position.

Authority

So many people in my fraternity have this unnatural resistance to any and all authority that can possibly be taken over them. Mostly, these guys are the new members... The freshmen. I wish they would just accept that someone needs to regulate our actions. We are a group of young men who gather together and party during as a form of socializing. Of course we're going to get out of line sometimes. All we're trying to do now is make sure we don't get so far out of line that we jeopardize the safety of others and the reputation of our fraternity as a whole.

I hope these guys start seeing the big picture by at least next year, when they're the upperclassmen and have some of the responsibility of setting standards for the next pledge class.

Dreams

I dreamt that I kissed Melissa last night, while we were sitting in my car. That's all I really remember. There were more details, but they're too fuzzy to draw out. I want to remember more dreams, so I'm making use of the MemoPad on my phone, which I keep next to me when I sleep.

Randoms

I'm thinking about taking an extra semester for school.

USC Cheer is having tryouts on the 25th of this month. As of now, they're an all-female team, but I just found out males are allowed to try out. I really want to try out.

Thinking about this summer makes me smile =)

My answer

5:35

Who do you have a crush on right now?

I've been postponing answering all of my questions because I didn't know how to answer this. I think I do now, so here goes...

I have a crush on a girl named Lauren, but I have an attraction to Melissa that's more than a crush. I can elaborate more on this if anyone really wants to know.

Hit me with your best shot.

Strangers

2010-03-11

5:23am

I went on Chatroulette last night for the first time by myself. At first it was to keep me awake so I could finish a homework assignment, but it ended up being kind of fun. I talked to a bunch of strangers about what they do, what kind of music they listen to, and what I'm doing with my life. It's pretty interesting how technology has enabled us to talk to people we otherwise never would have even seen walking down the street.

Another place full of strangers I recently visited was the DMV. Ah, yes, the place to go when you just can't wait to... wait. First I sat in a line of cars looking for a spot for at least twenty minutes. Then I waited in the line of people, which stretched 40 bodies deep outside the door of the place, just so I could talk to someone initially. She gave me a number, and I proceeded to wait for another hour and a half inside for the number to be called. This was followed by a 90-second interaction between myself and the woman who billed me $18 for a one-trip permit so I can drive my car back to Las Vegas this weekend, and then finally she sent me to the 'inventory pick-up' line, where I waited another ten minutes to physically get the slip.

I'm pretty sure this works differently at the DMV in Las Vegas because I remember license plates and certifications being something you could get when you saw someone after your number was called, but for whatever reason the DMV here in LA found it necessary to create a separate line just for that. Then again, the DMV here is probably ¼ the size as the one in Vegas, and has much more seating for those who are waiting. With the ever-present need for every driving resident to visit the DMV, you'd think they'd continuously open more offices to reduce wait time. You'd think that, but I suppose that would cost everyone more money, which many states can't afford to do right now - especially California.

Spring break next week. I hope the Volvo makes it from here to Vegas and back. Though.. It may not pass smog once I get there, in which case I'll end up leaving it there to get fixed and registered, so I guess I should primarily be hopeful that the car makes it to Vegas, period.

Stay healthy. Be happy.

~Vaniah Schwenoha

Tomorrow

2010-03-04

4:03am

Would you believe me if I told you that when I said "To be continued tomorrow" at the end of my last entry, that I had intended to title my next entry 'tomorrow?' Yeah, me neither, but it was worth a shot. Anyway, let's hit a few points, probably as randomly as we can.

School is so taxing. I want to do well, I really do. It's just that there's always so much to do all at once. I can't concentrate on every subject at once, and because of that, every grade suffers. I honestly think that I'd rather take a five classes separately, which last only 1/5 as long as a semester, than take five classes all at once over the span of the entire semester. The workload just piles up, and I end up missing one class because I need to finish homework in another, and then to make up for the work in the class I missed, I end up neglecting work in yet another class. This cycle repeats itself until finals week, and then I pretty much stare blankly at all of the material I'm supposed to already know and I start learning it a week before I get tested on it. It gets much harder as I progress in courses here, because everything is getting so much more complex.

Kickbacks here in LA aren't the same as kickbacks back home in Vegas. Most of the ones back home are people talking and hanging out, listening to whatever music they feel like listening to on that particular night. Here, people converse, but there's such a different mood to it. At least half the people you're hanging out with here are thinking to some degree about hooking up at the end of the night, and if you can't dance to the music, it's not coming from the stereo. And by 'dance,' I mean 'grind.' I just had a conversation with one of my friends tonight about how he wants a lot more girls to come by for kickbacks. Being a guy, of course I agree that more female company is welcomed, but really... If they come, I want them to come to enjoy our company, not as potential hookups. If a couple guys get lucky, then that's great, but let's make comradery our primary goal of the night.

For anybody who was wondering who I was talking about at the end of my last entry, it was Melissa. There were some other girls I wanted to hang out with, too, but that was mostly because I thought they were cute, and didn't have anything to do with how well (or not) I can hold a conversation with them. Melissa was both - cute and conversational. I told her about it after I came back to LA, and that was basically the end of it, as it usually is between us. One of us always tells the other that we like them, but most of the time neither of us tells the other until after the fact. It's a fun game of tag, I suppose.

That trend was broken just recently, when she and I discussed how we feel about each other. The results of that discussion are still tough to process. She likes me, but isn't ready to move on. Does that mean I should wait? What about this girl in LA who I've been talking to? I like her, too, but aside from a little online conversation last semester, I didn't start talking to her until my fraternity's date dash, which essentially 'nudges' us into being social. Then again, I asked her instead of any of the other 250 girls I know at USC. More than that, I already said it - I like her. She's nice to talk to, she's not superficial, and I enjoy her company when we hang out.

On the other hand, I feel the same about Melissa. I know from the past that I can be just friends with Melissa if nothing happens, but does that hint that I subconsciously want nothing to happen, or am I just okay with settling? If it's the former, then I should just accept that we're friends; but if it's the latter, then how can I let this opportunity pass? What happens if it's the latter and I'm proactive about it? Will the distance concern me? It's as if I'm debating having a friend in Melissa and something more with Lauren, or having a friend and something more with Melissa. Two months ago I wanted to be moving on and involved with someone. Now I feel like I'd be less concerned on my own. Luckily I'm getting pretty good about suppressing my concerns, and just seeing how things play out.

I've been going through some of my old conversations with people lately. They're pretty entertaining to read. Some are funny because the dialog is just quick and witty, and some are funny because I can't believe the garbage my friends and I have said to each other, and how we're still friends after all of it. I should pick some good conversations and send them in emails or Facebook messages to the people I had them with.

I need a new closing signature...