Long time, no post..

..And that's kinda because I found out that a lot more people check my blog than I thought. People who weren't quite as interested in reading about my thoughts as much as they were concerned for the welfare of their friends who I hung out with. As a result, I started another, private blog, and kept a few entries in there. Here's a re-post of one of those:

MONDAY, MAY 3, 2010

Shit

Without fail, I have come into the same mindset that I always do when I'm left in the dark about things.

Melissa and I haven't been talking as much lately. I honestly don't know what to make of it. On one hand, I know she's been busy, and that she's been spending countless late nights at the library studying and trying to finish this semester out strong. On the other hand, I just can't help but wonder if she thinks about me at all. Every now and then, she'll start talking to me about how so many guys like her, and all she wants to do is be left alone. Do I fall into that group of guys?

Yesterday, she said to me "ughhh i hate boys[...] and i hate being single"

and all I wanted to do was reply back "Well... You don't have to be."

but I know.. I absolutely know that I shouldn't say something like that. There's a 5% chance that saying something like that will flatter her, and make her think seriously about dating me.. But that means there's a 95% chance that saying it will catch her off guard, make her think twice, and drive her away from me like I've drove away Andrea and Angeli.

So, once again, here I sit.. I have to pretend I'm not scared that she doesn't like me. I mean, I've said it before.. If she just wants to be friends, all she needs to do is let me know. But the last time we talked about it, I asked her not to tell me that if she didn't believe it, and her response was that she did like me, and that she just thought we needed to spend more time together over the summer to be sure. So, because she hasn't explicitly told me she's had a change of heart, I just have to sit for the next two weeks and hope there's something to look forward to when I get home.

I can't help but wonder if I'm going to end up alone after this. Wonder, but not fear. I do not fear that I will be alone because I know that I am taking the right steps. I like Lauren, but I might love Melissa. Letting this opportunity go would be a mistake. And at the same time, I know that if Melissa weren't in the picture, I still wouldn't want to hold a relationship over the summer with Lauren, because I feel like I don't know her enough. We haven't been on a single date outside of fraternity and sorority functions, and I feel responsible for that. I haven't invested enough time or emotion into me and Lauren to be able to confidently say that I think we'd make it over the summer together.

Let's hope this all pans out soon....