Moment of truth

18 September 2007

9:16 AM

Well, I just turned in my first collegiate essay for a grade. I hope it does well. I figured I'd post it in here just so everybody could take a look. I'll let you know what kind of grade it receives when I get it back. For now, enjoy.

Liberty and Justice for Me

The law, as defined by Aristotle, is “reason unaffected by desire” (Aristotle 3). This definition describes the standard under which legal systems should be based, but is hardly a truthful depiction of the legal system in America. Opposition to Aristotle’s claim is present in media characterization of the legal system, and is often the focal point of many story lines of movies and television shows. Movies such as Fracture and The Shawshank Redemption are prime examples of movies with characters who let their desires interfere with their roles as preservers of the law. Characters like these, who rank personal satisfaction above unbiased justice, diminish our confidence that the American legal system is capable of treating all judicial cases equally and seeking the truth in order to identify the guilty without punishing the innocent.

Legal procedures are systematic, and are designed as such to avoid inconsistencies in legal cases. Aristotle’s perception of working law implies this. For a society to secure equal rights for its citizens, procedures must be implemented that ensure fair treatment and protection from extreme measures. The legal system provides orderly dispute resolution as an alternative to self-help, which often plays off of emotions and individual perceptions of justification, as opposed to the law’s neutral views of justice. American people need to know that the law has regulations in order to confide in it to settle their conflicts with others.

Ideally, the attributes described above help describe a perfect legal system. However, as many know, we do not live in a society with a perfect legal system. Popular media suggests that, in an economically motivated society, even our supposed protectors of the law are willing to trade money for justice.

In Fracture, DDA William Beachum exchanges more challenging cases with coworkers for his own benefit. He claims that his exchanges are justified because, for every case he passes to someone else, he picks up two or three cases in return, thus lightening the load for his fellow associates (Fracture). In all actuality, even though Beachum picks up more cases and makes more work for himself, the alternative cases are easier to win. The real reasoning behind Beachum taking his associates’ cases is that, if he can trade off one tough losing case for a couple easy winning cases, he can still make himself look good. With a higher conviction rate, Beachum lands himself in a position at a new law firm that pays more and gives him a better image.

William Beachum’s methods may help him financially, and they may also bring forth justice upon the criminals he convicts, but his passing of tough cases to those who might not be as prepared or experienced as him also carries the possibility of obstructing justice. The law promotes equal rights for all, but cannot provide absolute equality when more capable lawyers pass on cases simply because they desire not to damage their political careers.

Similarly, money tempts members of the legal system to abolish moral values and judicial ethics. Warden Norton in The Shawshank Redemption does so when he denies further investigation into the murder of Andy Dufresne’s wife solely because Andy runs the warden’s books and launders the money made through deals between Norton and labor companies (Shawshank). As a result of Norton’s desire for money and a competent accountant to handle it, the law’s objective of uncovering the truth is brushed aside. This, along with the example of William Beachum’s personal interests in Fracture, adds to the popular characterization that members of the legal system are concerned less with equality and justice and more with earning a quick buck.

Further than the aspect of selfishness in regards to being money-driven characters, popular media also depicts protectors of the law as people who seek their own personal satisfaction when dealing with court cases. These individuals disregard the systematic procedures inherent in equal justice and also act against advisement of their superiors because their egos interfere with their conduct as professionals in their respective fields of work.

After William Beachum secures his seat at a new law firm, he gets lazy about his duties under his current employer. In court, the defendant, Ted Crawford, manages to surprise Beachum with shocking information that destroys what he thought was a textbook murder case. As a result of his humiliation in court and Crawford’s aggressive taunt tactics, Beachum refuses to be taken off the case by his boss. He just can’t let himself be played by Crawford, so he risks both his current job and his new job for a chance to prove himself to others as the man who can convict Crawford.

With this, popular media introduces a haughty characteristic of lawyers, thus portraying them as men and women with a desire to validate their capabilities among themselves and others. This can bring down our view of the legal system because lawyers who seek solely to test their skills could be in over their heads, and thus less capable of working effectively to uncover the truth.

Fracture contains yet another exposition of selfishness, present in the character of Lieutenant Robert Nunally. As the secret lover of Ted Crawford’s wife, Jennifer, it is understandable that he be particularly aggressive when restraining Mr. Crawford after discovering the woman’s lifeless body. Though, when the police prepare to take Crawford’s confession, Nunally insists on being present, regardless of the possibility that the confession could be considered a coerced one, and rejected by the court as evidence. Here, emotion plays even more of a role than in the previous examples and arguments. Lieutenant Nunally loved Jennifer – so much so that he couldn’t put his mind to rest without being witness to her killer’s written confession. Due to his desire to satisfy his emotional needs, Lieutenant Nunally neglects routine procedures and defaces possible evidence. Ted Crawford is later able to claim that he was under duress when giving his confession because the man who had just beaten him was in the interrogation room.

The lieutenant meant no harm to the judicial process by being in the room while Mr. Crawford gave his confession, but as stated earlier, the law has strict regulations that attempt to prevent false conviction. Because duress is addressed in these regulations, this popular characterization of the legal system affirms that cases are treated equally, but surely negates confidence that the legal system seeks the absolute truth. All evidence initially perceived to be “pretty damning evidence” (Fracture) turned out to be useless in this case, all because of one man’s desire to appease his grieving soul.

When Aristotle made his claim about the law, it was profoundly idealistic. Realistically, however, law is reason bombarded with desire. Genuine courts in America may not be as dramatically affected as the courts depicted in popular media, but through analysis of movies like Fracture and The Shawshank Redemption, our confidence in a consistent and pure legal system in America is surely diminished by characters who base their actions on personal wants and desires.

Works Cited

“Aristotle.” Wikiquote. 8 September 2007, 16:55. Wikimedia Foundation, Inc. 15 September
2007. .
Fracture. Prod. Charles Weinstock. Dir. Gregory Hoblit. Perf. Billy Burke, Ryan Gosling, and
Anthony Hopkins. DVD. New Line Cinema, 2007.
Shawshank Redemption, The. Prod. Niki Marvin. Dir. Frank Darabont. Perf. Morgan Freeman,
Bob Gunton, and Tim Robbins. DVD. Warner Home Video, 1999.

College

16 September 2007

3:53 PM

*Disclaimer: Make sure you have time to read all of this. It's 5½ pages long

Let's pick things back up where we left off.

Niki lost the money. You can read about it in his blog if you want. That is, if you know where his blog is... Oh well. I still think we should've given money to my mom after that so she could win some for us, but I guess after losing so much money, the group was in no position to put up more. I called Chris a couple days after they came back and he told me that Niki just said he had it under control. I don't mean to be calling my best friends inconsiderate, but I really think Chris and Dallas should be helping Niki come up with the money to pay his mom back. I mean, his mom's the coolest, and she was generous and understanding enough to rent us multiple hotel rooms over the past few months. On top of that, Niki's even more pro. The least we could do is help out. I guess I'm the only one who sees it that way. I'm transferring him $100 a week until I pay him $500, and I might even put up more than that if what he tells me is true, and he's going to end up paying his mom $3500-$4000 in the end. Meanwhile, Chris just bought an XBOX 360 and a 32" HDTV. I guess that's cool and all, and it's something Niki gets to use too, but... I dunno. I just feel like my friends gave Niki the ass-end of the stick here. He doesn't deserve that, and I thought I knew my friends better than to do that to him.

I can live with not confronting them about it, I guess. I figure I'll write all my stuff in here, and if they read it, then they'll know, but if not, then... ignorance is bliss.

Okay, back to the whole "I'm not in Kansas anymore" aspect of my life...

Two days before I left, I started packing all of my stuff. I had a lot more to take than I thought. I spent that entire day and most of the next day packing. I told Laura I'd make time to see her my last night in town, so nearing the evening, I cleaned up as she was on her way over. However, I also told Joey to come over and pick up his computer before I left. He said he'd come over with Mike Neel on their way to The Spot, the hookah lounge near my house. Well, I get out of the shower to find Mike, Joey, Chris Yi, Brennan, Justine, Sarah Fulco, Soli, and Laura all in my room. Don't get me wrong... I love my friends... I just didn't expect them to stay so long while my girlfriend was over.

We chilled for awhile, but after I realized that nobody was planning on leaving soon, I just snuck out of my room and into my brother's and texted Laura, telling her to join me. We hung out as long as we could, but eventually, she had to leave and try to make it home by her mom's set curfew. That was the last time I saw her in person... I remember seeing her car stop at the end of the street for longer than it should've. In my mind, I just see her breaking down, like I did when I wrote my last post and thought about everything I was leaving behind in Vegas. I really wish I could say she never did that. I don't want her to feel like that.

After everyone left my house, I finished packing. I couldn't possibly fit anything more into our rental car than I did. And to think.. I was thinking about taking a desktop computer with me as well. That would never have fit. In the middle of the night, with my dad asleep and my mom at work, I left the house in the rental car. I went first to Mitch's house, to pick up my stereo's subwoofer, to drop off some of his stuff, and to say goodbye to Mitch and Sexton. We caught up on some stuff while I was there. They told me they've been offered full-ride scholarships to go to college in Hawaii for cheerleading. That's awesome. I like to think I contributed to their continued education by being the first of us to become a cheerleader and breaking the barrier. But that's just arrogance.

I left Mitch's house and went to Dallas' to hang out with him one last time. Nobody realized I was leaving so early in the morning.. Neither did I, until my parents told me they wanted to. I took him back to my house so I could finish packing, then I had to take him home. We said our goodbyes, and as I drove away, I could see him in the mirrors, just sitting outside his front door, losing it.

That was it. That was my last day in Las Vegas.

My parents and I loaded up everything and drove off. I fell asleep before we were out of town and I woke up in a new city - in a new life.

Checked in, took my stuff up to my apartment, met my roommate. He's pretty cool. His name is Charles, and he's from Singapore, but he went to high school in Monterey. He seems to come from a wealthy family. He drives an '07 Range Rover, which helps me because I have no car. He also has a Bathin' Ape polo. I thought that was pretty pro. He's an economics major. Not too bad.

The first week here was Welcome Week, full of all kinds of activities to keep the new students busy. I'd have to say that the best things were the dance in the quad, the concert with June, The Higher, and Mae, and the comedy show with Ant and Bobby Lee. It was good to hear a hometown band playing here. The Higher's last song was Insurance, and recorded it for my friends. There was a good looking girl at the concert - Morgane - and I stayed until the end because I wanted to talk to her. In a new place like this, where nobody knows anybody, I figured it couldn't hurt to approach anybody without feeling like a creep. After the concert ended, I walked up and told her I couldn't help but notice her. I asked if she wanted to go to lunch sometime. She told me she had a boyfriend, but we agreed to be friends if nothing else, so we introduced ourselves. As soon as I got back to my apartment, I looked her up on Facebook. Turns out we live in the same apartment complex.

The first week of classes went well, I suppose. We didn't really do a lot of work. Apparently, when events go off on the calendar on my cell phone, they disable the alarm. As a result, nothing went off on Thursday, and I woke up at 9:00 when I had a class starting at 8:00- Writing 140. I also had to turn in a diagnostic essay for this class, which I had stayed up to finish the night before, so as soon as I woke up, I printed my shit out, threw on my rollerblades for the first time since I've been here, and rushed down to the classroom. I showed up just in time to walk with the class to see where my instructor would be holding his office hours. As we walked, I turned in my paper. It was lucky that my Law, Politics, and Public Policy professor had cancelled class this day, because otherwise, I wouldn't have had the extra hour to go back and shower before my next class.

My classes are alright. I have:
•Calculus I
•Introduction to Computer Engineering/Computer Science
•Engineering Freshman Academy
•Law, Politics, and Public Policy
•Writing and Critical Reasoning

The first three aren't bad, but the last two are my GE classes. I'm required to take courses in given fields in order to graduate. There are six categories, but political science and writing courses are linked, so I guess it's good that I'm taking care of them now. I get the feeling I'm going to do worst in these two classes, especially since there's so much reading to do for them. I was thinking about transferring out of Calc I into Calc II because I scored higher on my placement test than this other guy I know here, who's in Calc II, and because I'm kinda bored with what we're doing in Calc I, but I figure it'll be decent review of everything I learned last year and it'll get me more acclimated to college courses because it involves more proofs than we did in high school. Besides, it's only a semester.

Well, let's talk about the party scene here...

The first Saturday after classes started was the day of our first football game. It was a home game against a team we were guaranteed to beat. Apparently, we haven't lost a single home game in years. I walked over to campus to check things out, and it was exactly as these upperclassmen in my apartment complex told me. The entire campus is a party. People are setup everywhere with TVs to watch the game, lawn chairs, barbecues, and drinks. I could've gotten a few beers if I wanted, but I wasn't really feelin' it at the time. It's okay. I made up for it later in the night.

Charles, a couple of his friends, and I went back to my apartment to watch the game. Decent-sized TV and surround sound stereo ftw. Later on, Morgane and her friend came over to watch some of the game, too. We won, but we didn't beat the point spread, so it was an okay game. Mind you, the point spread was -48 for USC, and went up to about -50 or -51 at half-time. I'm glad Niki got me into betting on games for that little bit of time during junior year, because I felt pro explaining the concept of the point spread and the over/under, and I felt that I needed to be the one to explain it, since I'm the one from Las Vegas.

Eventually, we got bored of the game we had already won, so we decided to leave and go to frat row to find a party. We got lost a bit.. walked too far north and not far enough east. We finally got there, and walked to the Beta Omega Phi house. This house is the asian frat house. It's pretty much the farthest house east on the row, so it was farthest from my apartment. We got there, and the girls got in free, but they were charging $30 each for the guys. Charles and I only had about $11 each on us, so we had to walk all the way back to our apartment to get more money. After we picked that up, we decided to drive back. I thought it amusing to find out that my roommate, who went to high school in California, doesn't know how to parallel park well at all. He ended up getting out and letting me park his car. It's a good thing I learned how to drive in reverse so well back home.

We parked pretty far from the Beta house, but it was still better than walking the entire way from the apartment. When we got back to the frat, I told the guy at the door, "for $30, I should be getting valet service and a shoe-shine." That's when the guy told me they were now charging $60 each to get in. Yeah, I know... Even I was getting stretched at $30. There was no way I was going to pay $60. Luckily, nobody had changed shifts, so the guy at the door was the same guy who told us we needed $30. He knew we had to go all the way back to our place just to get $30, so he let us in for that much.

Fuck paying that much to get in there. They have people behind tables running the drinks, so I can't just take what I please without feeling like a greedy asshole because I have to ask for it before I get it. Granted, I can probably ask for whatever I want, since the cover charge is so high and they told me at the door I could have unlimited drinks, but still... And even though they've got a pretty decent dance floor and a DJ to go with it, the girls there like, don't dance with people unless they know you. I got bored after 15 minutes, so I went back out to the front yard, then decided to go toward the back of the house because I saw a game of beer pong going on.

Well, it was easy to get back there, but it turned out that behind the frat house, there are four apartments connected to it that just get rented out to whoever. These people playing were cool, though. They said they used to be part of the frat nextdoor, but they got kicked out at the semester. Since I wasn't having much fun inside the Beta house, I just chilled with these people and watched them play. They were already all wasted, and I wasn't even buzzed, so I didn't really start having fun until I got in on a game. The frat party was over before my games, so I told Charles to meet me and join a game. Turns out, this guy's never played beer pong before, either. I had to explain the general rules to him.

The rules here are a bit different than the ones I've played, at least at this particular place. In Vegas, girls can blow the ball out if it's spinning around the cup and guys can finger it out. Here, only the girls can blow, and fingering isn't allowed. Here, there's a rule that if you shoot and the ball rolls back on the table and you pick it back up, you get to shoot again, but you have to shoot behind the back. I almost made a shot behind the back. It actually hit the cups, which I guess doesn't happen often here. In Vegas, you start with ten cups, re-rack at six, and then re-rack after each cup is made. Here, you only get two re-racks per game, but you can do them whenever you want. I saw a team re-rack at seven, with a pyramid and one attached to a side. It was weird. In Vegas, if both teammates make the same cup, that's game over. Here, it's a bomb - the cup made plus the adjacent cups, up to four extra. Then there were some other little things like having to say "I'm warming up" after you make two cups in a row and then "I'm on fire" after you make three in a row.

So, at the end of the night, these guys let me drink their beer through three games. I owe those guys. Charles beat me because he played basketball in high school. Fuckin' hustler, haha. We finally left late into the night, and Charles didn't want to get caught driving drunk, and wanted to walk home, but I convinced him that we could just take the backstreets and we'd be fine. We were fine, but the funny thing was that in the parking garage, he parked, but then wanted to straighten it out, so he backed up... and just lightly scraped his driver-side mirror against a pillar. I lol'd. He said the next day that the mirror was fine. I wanna throw in here that the parking garage in my apartment complex scares me. The clearance is only six feet, so when I run through it, I feel like I'm going to slam my head into a pipe or something. When I was moving in, my dad's friend Les and I had to stand on the back of the Expedition when we drove through the garage so it wouldn't scrape the pipes hanging down.

Anyway, that was two Saturdays ago. Last Saturday, I went with this girl Jourdan to a party that the swim team was having. It was pretty cool. It wasn't too crowded at first, but near the end, it was extremely full. They must've gone through five or six kegs while I was there. I got one fuckin' game of beer pong in with Jourdan as my partner, but she wasn't that good, so we lost. I was actually doing really good that night. When our last cup got hit, we had two left on the other side, and I sank the first and hit the second one, so my shot was going pretty good. If I had brought us into overtime, I would've shit myself.

We lost two these other two freshmen, who happen to be members of the dive team. I talked to one guy about his list of dives, and it very much discourages me to have ever even thought about being good enough to make the team. My list has a front 1½ with a full twist, a front 1½ pike, a front 2½ tuck, a back 1½ pike, a reverse 1½ tuck, and an inward 1½ tuck. His list has a front 2½ pike, a front 3½ tuck, a back 2½ tuck, a reverse 2½ tuck, an inward 2½ tuck, and I think a better twisting dive than I have. I was looking around on Facebook and I found out that my dive coach over the summer actually knows this guy. She dove with him at Mission Viejo.

Well, the swim team party got broken up by DPS (USC's Department of Public Safety), so Jourdan and I walked down to frat row to find another party. On the way, we ran into this girl Andrea, who lives across the hall from Jourdan. We all went to see if those guys from the week before were playing beer pong, but nobody was there, so we just went to the Beta party again. I only had $21 on me, and was only able to get $10 from Andrea, which I still owe her, so they let me in for $31 instead of the $40 they were charging this time. My roommate said he was there earlier in the night, and they were charging $25. Gah. Well, this time was better, because I was already decently tipsy when I got there, we had a few drinks inside, and I danced with Jourdan for quite awhile. Things went pretty well. We walked one of the girls' friends back to her place because she would've been alone otherwise and it was farther than our place. We hung out there, stole some condoms from the bag outside the RA's door there, and walked back to our apartment complex. I said goodnight to them and went back to my place to call it a night.

Well, there's the summary of the last few weeks for you. Let's get a little more into the other stuff.

Laura has been having a really hard time being away from me. She left a voicemail the other day crying. I feel really bad for her. I mean, I miss her, yeah, but there's not a lot I can do about it all the way over here. She gets frustrated when we run out of things to say to each other, and she keeps asking me the same questions for the sake of keeping contact with me. A few times a week, she'll call or text me at 11:11 and tell me to make a wish. Every time she does, my wish is that she'll find another guy to be happy with, because being bummed out all the time really isn't good for her. Like I said before, I want her to have the best senior year, to make up for how much time I wasted during mine, all cooped up in my room doing homework and not going out with my friends.

Thinking about it, I kinda do the same thing here. I stay in the apartment most of the week trying to do homework, and I stay in much of the weekend, too, just because I want to get things done. I'm gonna try to change that up a bit. I need to go out to eat more on weekdays, so I can go with friends and hang out. I need to start going farther from campus to learn more about the area, but I need to go with friends so we have strength in numbers and don't get mugged or shot at or anything like that. I also need to know more about the surrounding area because I don't want my friends being bored here in the apartment if they're gonna come all the way down here to visit sometime in the next month, like they say they want to.

If I can think of more to say, I will. But for now, I've been writing for the past two to two and a half hours, so this should be enough to hold you over.

Best regards,
Vaniah Schwenoha

Overwhelmed

20 August 2007

3:32 PM

It's been four months since I've written.
Shit... This is gonna take awhile.

Pick up from last entry - I'm over Nikita.
•I bought flowers and set them in front of her house when she came back from her StuCo trip.
•I drove as fast as I could after school to her house to make sure she was alright after she flipped her car.
•I asked her to prom by writing a poem in sidewalk-chalk on her front doorstep:

I know you've been going through a lot of change lately
And you may not quite yet be ready to date me
But assuming you're ready to begin things anew
I'd really love to go to prom with you!

'change' is underlined because the entire thing was covered with like, $20 in pennies.
•I bought a new pair of slacks for my black suit and had them tailored the day of prom for a date with her - total cost: $105.
•I brought her flowers that night, as well.

In return:
•"It's not that I don't want to go to prom with you... I just don't want to go to prom.... We can still hang out that night and all..."
•She had dinner with Ron on prom night, while I had dinner alone at another restaurant with Chris, Niki, Dallas, and their dates.
•She left the flowers I gave her on prom night at the hotel room.
•And I didn't get my $20 in pennies back.

So, yeah... After I got super wasted on prom night with drinks including a shot of Everclear chased by a shot of Bacardi 151, hit on her, passed out, and puked on her couch, I could tell by the tone in her texts that she wasn't even considering me.

Too fucking bad for her, I say.

It's cool though. After I got over that, I started talking to one of the divers through MySpace. Ms. Laura Ernst. She attends Coronado High School, and she's entering her senior year. Anyway, we got along well, and soon enough, we started dating. I love her =)
But, I'm also leaving for college in t-minus two days =(
Here's where I sum up our relationship and how I feel:

I'm very glad I got to know her. I wish I had started talking to her during my first year of diving. She's a great person, and I know she'll make someone very happy one day... I don't want to try to hold a long-distance relationship because it's going to be her senior year and I want her to be able to have romances and dates to the dances. I want her to have as much fun as she can this year. I didn't have as much fun as I could have my senior year, so I hope she can make up for it. She thinks I'm going to forget her, but that's impossible. I'm glad this happened. I'm glad we happened. I just wish it didn't have to end.

I'll get back to my emotions in a little bit. For now, I should discuss my summer.

Summer's been really great. I've been diving, for one because I'm still trying to tell myself I have a chance of walking on at USC, but if nothing else, to keep my flexibility and get some exercise.

There have been two hotel parties this summer - both hosted by members of Team Nihar, both at these amazing hotel rooms at the top of the MGM - The SkyLofts. If you've seen Ocean's Thirteen, it might interest you to know hat SkyLofts got the Five Diamond Award this year - one of only five hotels in Vegas to get it.

The first party was for graduation. Niki and I planned it, and it turned out great. We paid for the room, left $45 on the table for the maids because we knew we fucked it up, and still had $15 to buy lunch after we checked out.

The second... Was a bit worse...
This one was entirely planned by Niki, and was thrown as a going-away party for everybody who's going out of town for college. It was held on the 30th of July - the latest it could have possibly been, because Ron left the very next morning for Seattle. This party was far more populated than the last... I literally had to hug the walls to get from one room to another. There were enough people for me to go crowd surfing in the living room. Of course, with more people come more potential thieves. To date, I know that a digital camera and cell phone were taken. Also, someone took about $150 from the money in the safe that was supposed to pay for the hotel room, and then reset the 4-digit numeric code on the safe. We had to have the locksmith come up and open it for us the next morning.

Having lost that much was enough... But it seems fate didn't see it that way.

A few days ago, Niki's mom called and told him that $2000 had been taken out of her bank account by MGM Mirage to pay for damages to the room. The report said that the limestone and carpet had to be deep-cleaned, there was fruit on the windows and walls, the walls had to be repainted, there was broken glass everywhere, the carpet was frayed, and the repairs would leave the room unavailable for four days.

Niki's mom was, understandably, upset.
She told him that she wants the money back, plus overdraft fees, within seven days, or else she'll sell his car.
As soon as Team Nihar found out about that, we've been trying to think of ways to get the money... Niki's mom called him back the next day, crying, and by demanding more than $2100, upset Niki to the point of taking a good, swift swing to his computer. He hit the side of his tower closest to the motherboard, and my guess is that he broke the motherboard, processor, or both.

Well, the best ideas we've come up with for making this money are as follows:
•Sell as much of our property as we can
•Give my mom $1000 and let her use it to play poker, with the intent of tripling it or better
•Give Niki money to play poker himself, at tables in California

The first option is in play, but isn't doing well, as most of the things I can sell are worth less than $50 each. The second can't be done until my mom is off work, those days being Wednesday and Thursday. The third is being initiated as I type this, as Niki and Chris are driving south for Niki to session and enter some tournaments.

Niki's being financially backed by Sarah Williams, mainly because Dallas is skeptical about Niki's competence in succeeding, and won't front him the money. Niki thinks Sarah, Chris, Alma and Salome are the only ones to believe he can come back with a profit. I dunno what he thinks about me, but whenever he reads this, I'd just like to let him know that I believe in him, too. He's made pretty good money playing online poker, and showed his live poker-playing skills at the poker tournament at my sister's house a few months ago, where he took third. I've known the guy the longest out of all of my friends - since third grade. I know what he's capable of.

I'm just really upset that this trouble had to come at a time like this. Two of my very, very best friends just left for a three-day trip to California in an attempt to get us out of a bind, and I'll be gone to college before they get back. I've been typing through tears since the sentence about how long I've known Niki. I can't believe I'm about to do this. Chris, Niki, and Dallas are my best friends, and I'm gonna be gone in two days to start a new life, and to make new friends. But not to ditch old ones. I'll know these guys forever. I know that. Both of my hands are numb and shaking. I'll have to pick up from this blog when I regain composure, whenever that is.

God bless, Niki and Chris.
Best regards,
Vaniah Juniper Schwenoha.

A few quick updates

7 April 2007
2:52 AM

1.) Hung out with Chris, Niki, and Jessica at Nikita's house today. We played Scattergories. Noticed the flowers on the coffee table =) They're doing well, and look even lovelier than they did when I bought them because they've bloomed more =)

2.) It's always nice to start hanging out with new people because they always bring with them new music that captures my interest and that I probably wouldn't stumble upon on my own.

3.) I'm falling for her much harder than I thought I was... I'm just so interested in her life... I want to know more =]

Actions speak louder than words, so act now.

Vaniah Schwenoha

Madness

6 April 2007

6:06 PM

That may possibly be the only word capable of describing my life right now.

Start from the end of the last blog...

About a week before the state cheer competition, I was at the gymnastic center and tried a roundoff back tuck front tuck. I came out of the back tuck super early, landed at an immense angle, and hardcore sprained my right ankle. I know, I know. I'm a badass. With the help of an ankle brace, I was able to throw a couple back handsprings and a back tuck at competition. Yay! btw, competition was so amazing! We did our best, and I couldn't be happier of my squad =) I should've gotten into cheer a few years ago...

Diving has started. I'm pretty rusty on some dives, but I've been improving. I had a personal best score the other day of about 187. The one thing that irks me is that the divers from other schools that are pretty far away have friends who come and support them at meets, but none of my friends ever come to watch, and the meets are just down the street at UNLV. Oh well.

I got accepted to USC =D
zomg, it's going to be so expensive. But, it's going to be a lot of fun, too. My mom doesn't care about taking loans or anything. She just wants me to get a good education.

More recent, more personal
A few weeks ago, Ron invited everybody to this park way out in BFE to have a party around a bonfire. It was slow to start, but once it got going, it turned out really great. Fun facts:
1.) I went and grabbed a beer, came back to the fire pit, and found myself in the middle of a game of Truth or Dare. Turns out I picked dare, and got dared by Alecs to run around the fire pit naked... which I did. rofl
2.) Ron wanted his friend to kiss somebody, so he asked me to kiss her. I said I would compromise and triple kiss his friend and another girl. They didn't want to do it, so I compromised more. In the end, I pecked Ron on the lips quickly in order to triple kiss the two girls.
3.) The second girl in the triple kiss ended up hooking up with me for the rest of the night. It was very surprising

So there was that... The next week, that girl wanted to hook up with me again. This is where things get a bit complicated...

The Friday after the bonfire party, Alexa had a small hotel room available at Harrah's that we were invited to party in. Well, it turned out to be very, very small, and there were too many people there and we were too loud, so we ended up leaving and going to Soli's house, which surprised the hell out of everybody because Soli doesn't usually condone drinking at his house. Everything was going okay for awhile. At one point, I saw the back door open, so I went out to see if anyone was there. Nikita was over by the diving board in the grass, on the phone, and noticeably upset. I didn't really want to bother her, so I went back inside. Later on, Jessica came and got me and told me to talk to Nikita because she was really sad. Turns out she and Travis had broken up the week before. You remember Travis, don't you? The guy I mentioned back in February of 2006 who I thought Nikita had a thing for...

Okay, so no big deal. I just go out and keep her company while she calms her nerves down... *pause* NOT!

We get to talking, and we're both rather drunk, so a lot of things get said. A lot of questions come out and a lot of the past gets talked about. Back in 2006, when I said I had a slight interest in Nikita... turns out she had a slight interest in me, too. If I had been more assertive back then and just let her know how I felt, I might be in a different position than I am today. Instead, I stayed silent and watched her start a relationship with Travis. It was a dick move on my part.

We talked on the back patio - a lot - and then we went back inside for a bit. Later on, Nikita came and found me because she wanted to finish our conversation. Instead of going back to the patio, we went out front. I didn't want to sit on the grass 'cause it was fairly chilly out, so I suggested we sit in Chris' car. I opened the passenger-side door for her, sat her down and started to head to the driver-side door. Well, I didn't get far from her side before she grabbed my arm and told me to sit with her on the passenger side. I made myself comfortable and enjoyed her company and the feel of her body next to mine as we talked, but I made sure not to make any moves because I knew that she was super drunk and someone would regret something in the morning. A lot more personal stuff got said, and after quite awhile, we finally went back inside.

Well, while all of this was going on, keep in mind that everybody was trying to get me back into the house because Charlene (the girl from the week prior) wanted to hang out with me. Here, we introduce my dilemma. Mind you, I hadn't been planning on having a relationship with Charlene, even before Nikita came into the picture, because she just didn't seem like my type. Well, that and the fact that she's super quiet and despises Niki because of his relations with Lucille. After I went back inside, I tried to hang out with Charlene for awhile. We ended up hooking up again, and afterward I fell asleep, only to find her and a few other people gone when I woke in the morning.

The next day, Ron, Nikita, Jessica, and Charlene came to my house and hung out for a bit. This made things awkward because both Nikita and Charlene were there, so I tried not to be too obvious of my feelings toward Nikita. However, Ron hadn't been at Soli's house the night before, so he didn't know about Nikita, and thus, he was still trying to get me with Charlene. All of a sudden, Ron got up and said he was going to meet his friend somewhere and Nikita and Jessica got up and said they were going to go home. Grrreat... I tried striking up several conversations with Charlene, but she didn't carry into any of them. Finally, she suggested we watch a movie. Don't act like you don't know why someone would suggest watching a movie alone. About twenty minutes into watching Dogma, Chris showed up from work, but he fell asleep soon after. I didn't want to lead Charlene on any longer, so I did the only thing I could do - I faked being asleep for the rest of the movie. El Oh El. After the movie ended, I drowsily woke from my fake sleep. Charlene called Ron, who was supposed to pick her up, and he said he'd be back in half an hour. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Okay, bite the bullet. I hooked up with Charlene for that half hour.

After such confusing events, I decided I needed to do something to simplify my situation. I had planned on getting to know Nikita for the next week, staying away from Charlene for the next week, and telling Charlene around Thursday that I didn't see us going anywhere relationship-wise because we didn't talk much. Well, that slow plan really went to hell when it was the next day, Sunday, and I opted to break normal Sunday routines and go with Nikita to the mall and a movie and I told Charlene online that I didn't think things were going to work out. G-fucking-G.

So since then, it's been quite interesting. I pretty much completely broke off connection to Charlene and tried talking to Nikita through texts for the next few days before she left for Winnemucca for a student council event. She was gone from Wednesday 'til Saturday - the first Saturday of spring break. I knew she was getting back late, and though she said we'd hang out if she weren't too tired after she got back, I knew she would be. I still wanted to welcome her back from her trip somehow, though, so I planned on buying a small bouquet of flowers and leaving them for her to find when she returned home. Well, I ended up falling asleep for a bit and sleeping through my alarm to let me know to leave, so at about 3:00 in the morning, I went and got the flowers, picked up an extra vase and some water I had at home, and set up the bouquet on the doorstep of Nikita's house for her to find in the morning. I left a note saying "Welcome home =)" and sent a text message with the same contents and went home to sleep. Around noon the next morning, I went to check whether or not she had found them yet, but when I drove past her house, her garage was open and someone was outside, so I just passed by. I didn't even get back to Torrey Pines before I finally got the text saying "Thanks for the flowers!" I hope they weren't wilted when she found them =)

For the first part of spring break, things went very slow and we didn't do much. Finally, Wednesday came around - the day of Dallas and Lola's combined birthday party at THEhotel at Mandalay Bay. The room was pretty nice, and there was plenty of alcohol for the crowd. I remember coming back after having picked up Chris from his house and saying that I didn't want to leave the hotel again after that. I remember that because I jinxed myself. Dallas went fuckin' crazy about some shit and ended up down in the parking garage in his car. Niki called me down, so I left the room - and Nikita - and went to see what was up. As soon as I saw his car and started walking toward it, he fucking took off. I was just about fed up with his shit, so I started walking back toward the room while Niki was going to try to chase after him. Fuckin'... I get down and out of the parking garage elevator with Brittany and Alexa... Niki's back down there too, and he wants me to drive because he's too drunk. Ugh. So we drive all the way the fuck back to Dallas' house, look there, Soli's house, and the park... not there. We drive back. It's been like, an hour or more, and now I'm definitely fed up with Dallas' shit. He ended up back at the hotel before us, too. We head back upstairs, I get out of the elevator on our floor and start walking through the hallway... If it weren't for the security guard I saw walking down the hall, Chris wouldn't have had time to explain why the first thing I saw when I got back was Nikita in his lap in the hallway. Instead, I just went in the room and QQ'd for a bit until Chris got back. He told me that he was just keeping her company because I wasn't there and that he was doing his best to compliment me in front of her. Thanks Chris.

I drank a lot of beer after I got back because I was upset about a few things, particularly things relating to Nikita, such as the whole Chris thing and the fact that Jessica came up to me and told me a bunch of shit I didn't want to hear at the time. I passed out sometime during the night from all that beer. We woke in the morning, got pho for breakfast, and all went home.

So now it's Thursday, and it's the day that Chris, Niki, and I are supposed to have our hotel party at The Signature at MGM Grand. There were a few snags getting things sorted out, including getting checked in and figuring out how our guests were going to bypass the gate into the property that one needs a valet pass to get through. Luckily, there's a walkway - be it a lengthy one - that connects the MGM Grand and The Signature and has low enough security to get people through and to the hotel lobby.

Okay. All I have to say about our hotel room is "WOW!!!" The place was fucking amazing! We were at the end of the hall in a 900-square-foot room with a kitchen complete with fridge and freezer and a comfy ass bed and a desk that had a flat-panel HDTV rise out of it and a balcony and... Ugghh!!! So awesome! People started showing up and all that jazz, and it wasn't until about 10:00 until I could finally get use of Niki's car to pick up Nikita and her friends. Once we got back, I had a few sips of beer, but before I took any shots or anything, I took Nikita into the hallway to talk to her. I let her know that I realized that the majority of the times we've hung out in the past three weeks, we've been drunk, and that when I'm drunk I say a lot of crazy shit to her regarding my feelings for her. I told her that while being drunk makes it easier to say those kinds of things, it's surely not the most effective way to tell her, so I just wanted to let her know soberly and sincerely that I really do like her, and that I understand her hesitance in engaging herself in another relationship so soon. I think I left one thing out when I talked to her. I wanted to tell her that even though she may not like me as much as I do her at the time, I just want her to know how I feel, because I let her slip away from me once, over a year ago, and I want to do as much as I can to prevent that from happening again.

Anyway, our party turned out pretty great if I do say so myself. Security came and talked to us once, but they were hella chill about it, and after that we just had people stay as far from the front door as possible when dancing and going crazy and shit. I remember focusing quite a bit on being around Nikita. I hope she doesn't get uncomfortable when I do that. Chris was super-cool wingman again and convinced Nikita to sleep on my bed at the end of the night. I also remember waking up first and watching Nikita sleep for a little bit before I got up and started walking around. She's so beautiful =)

I need to go back a night. When we checked into the hotel, we looked around a bit in the kitchen cabinets and stuff and found, tucked away in a corner of a cabinet, a small nugget of weed. Now that I've filled that in, I can let you know that while cleaning up the room this morning, I decided to look on top of the shelving and stuff for things. Totally unexpected, I found a pipe and lighter on top of the television shelving unit in the living area! Then, just for the hell of it, Niki looked on top of the kitchen cabinets... and found a bong! Wow! Holy hell, did we pick a room! We're gonna sell 'em to help reimburse us a little for the room, considering it cost $650 after alcohol and mixers.

Okay. Filled in the blanks. Pew Pew. Just wanna thank Niki's mom for renting the hotel rooms for us, my friends for being super badasses and helpin' me in my social life, and Nikita for hanging out the past few weeks =)

Starting to take my own advice:
Actions speak louder than words, so act now.
Vaniah Schwenoha

I need this

17 January 2007
1:09 AM

Two and a half months between entries feels so much longer to me for some reason.

Almost all other blogs I read have stopped, so at least I'm not alone. Two of those blogs' most recent entries are before the dramatic changes of a breakup. Unfortunately for me, my relationship status hasn't changed since my last, most-aggravated, entry.

I just read that entry, and wow. I'm hella sorry for being such a dick in that one. I hope nobody read it and wanted to kill themselves afterward.

Two and a half months is a lot to cover. Let's begin.

I finally started applying to some colleges. I did an on-site with UNLV at my high school and got accepted (surprise). The only benefit of going there would be how little it would cost my parents. The only other school as of right now that I've finished applying to is USC. That one got done the weekend before the deadline. Smooth, huh? I waited too long to apply, because the deadline for potential scholarship applicants was the 11th of December, as opposed to the regular application deadline of the 10th of January. I had one of my old English teachers and my Chemistry teacher write my letters of recommendation, but the scholarship counselor wanted to help me out as well, so she wrote one. Of course, I had never held a conversation with her before, so she called me into her office one day to get to know me and decide what she wanted to put into her letter. I had never been interviewed like that. She asked me quite a few personal questions, and I guess I just wasn't expecting it. For my entire life, I've always had a hard time sticking up for myself, and it really showed when the counselor had my friends leave the room to ask about my personal life and what goes on in my home. If you asked me why I got so teary-eyed, I couldn't tell you. It could be because I was just nervous and unsure of discussing that kind of information with a near-stranger. It could be that I had never myself thought about those aspects of my life, and having to state them out loud brought it all home for me to comprehend.

So what'd I tell her? I told her that my friends keep me together, and that without them I'd probably have absolutely nothing. I told her that in my house, my mom's the bread-winner while my dad's the moral support. For Mom, the main goal is to make money. "Show me the money." For Dad, it's a struggle to be positive when that's all Mom thinks about. He's there though, and I do appreciate it, no matter how little I show it.

What about me? For me, it's all about enjoying what you do. I've brought up the concept of being a professional diver for a performance like 'O', but whenever I do, my mom just writes it off because she doesn't think it'll make enough money. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me. It'd be what I love to do and I'd get paid for it. What more could I want? The body has its limits, however, and after long enough, an education in my second interest, computers, would be best. That's what college is for.

The counselor wrote a really good letter. Ten minutes of honest conversation yeilded a more meaningful letter than either of the ones from teachers I had had class with for two years.

Next topic.

I like cheer. It's been a very bumpy ride with all our letdowns and such, but it really does feel good to be part of a team. Sure, I was considered part of the swim team the past two years in diving, but I never talked to or hung out with any of the swimmers. It's much different with the cheerleaders. I am really pleased to have a team for once in my life.

School is up and down, as usual. I do the work that needs to be finished, but that's about it. All the procrastination brings one of those weeks where you have to just sit down, shut up, and work, work, work. I uhh... I think I decided to go through that week some other time, haha. Semester exams are this week, and I hope I can pull my ass out of the fire and get some A's. That'd be nice. If you read this, it would be much appreciated if you would talk to me every once in awhile and make sure I'm on track with my work. I can't juggle forever. I need to learn.

Well, that summarizes my life as of right now. Eat, sleep, school, cheer, repeat. When necessary, replace eating with something more productive.

Now for the personal input...

I had to go to the bank today and deposit money in my mom's account. While I was there, I couldn't help but notice the decorations. But why? Then it hit me - Valentine's Day is in less than a month.

Oh fuck.

I need to do something about finding a girl. There's one girl that I'm interested in who I talk to more than anybody else. She's a sophomore - when I finally looked around this year, I realized that as long as you're in high school, there really aren't age boundaries between people anymore... Getting off subject... Anyway, she's pretty cool, and seems to have some of the same interests that I have. Now it's just a matter of mustering up the ambition to do something about the things I feel.

Man, I wish I had more time to do these. They really help me organize my thoughts and feelings. If you don't hear from me for another three months, I'm sorry, but I'll try to get back.

New closing:

Actions speak louder than words, so act now.
Vaniah Schwenoha

Pride in oneself: More complicated than it sounds

5 November 2006 (Remember remember, the fifth of November)

1:33 AM

...I don't even know where to start.

I suppose I should try to pick up from my last post, however long ago that was.

My mind is off Fran. I made a habit of checking her page frequently after I put her on my Top Friends list on MySpace, so in order to break that cycle, I simply took her off that list. We barely ever talk anymore. I don't really mind. I've come to the conclusion that people who claim to be bi are really homosexual, but haven't come to terms with it completely yet. Excuse me for being so blunt.

I joined the 'stunt team' at my school... Yes, stunt team means cheerleaders. I am a dedicated cheerleader at Durango, and I couldn't be more proud of it. If you can't fathom the concept of Vaniah being a male cheerleader, then you should stop reading this blog and get the fuck out of my life. Thanks.

It's really a lot of fun - and harder than you'd imagine it to be. When you're at a game and you see those girls lift one of their own in the air, you don't really think about how hard it might be to lift and balance that weight. Now I know from experience. I'm a back spot, and it's hard work, especially when the others know what they're doing and you are the newby, who's trying to figure out what you're doing wrong. Also, I used to be confident in my tumbling. Now all I can think of is how I do everything wrong and how I wish I could fix it.

My classes are getting harder. Every weekend, I tell myself that I'll sit down and concentrate on the work that needs to get done. It never happens, and it's probably going to be my downfall in this upcoming quarter. I even skipped a day of school just yesterday because I didn't have my homework done. Not only did that make me feel incompetent, but I felt even worse when my mom wouldn't let me go to the school later that day to go to practice. It's one thing to let yourself down. It's completely different when you're part of a four-person stunt group and your teammates can't practice efficiently because you're not there. I hate the feeling of letting others down.

I intentionally hooked up with someone last weekend for the first time in my life. The major problem with it though is that the girl likes me. A lot, apparently. Just tonight, my friend came up to me and told me that I need to stop leading her on, because it's tearing her up inside. I wish it were just that easy to listen to myself from the inside. In truth, I can't tell you what the fuck my deal is. I could sit here and tell you like all the others that I just haven't given myself the time to think things through and consider the pros and cons of the girl and her qualities. I could mention that other girls run through my mind possibly more often than she does, particularly a girl on the cheer squad, who may be the first black girl I've ever considered myself physically attracted to - something that I find intriguing on my part. I could tell you, as I just told my friend no more than ten minutes ago, that there are times when I just don't think this girl is my type, whatever that may be, because of the things she does or the way she acts. But the thing is, I'm sure everybody's fed up with my excuses. I can't fucking tell you what's wrong with me. Everybody seems to like this girl but me, and it's so hard to dig deep down inside and find the answers as to why. In all honesty, I don't know.

Am I afraid of committing myself again? Am I just interested in partying with people all the time and being free enough to dance with whoever I want and to look at whoever catches my eye? If so, then why am I constantly thinking, "When will that girl come along? The girl who steals my soul and who I give everything to... The girl I love enough to lose my virginity to..."

I really didn't think I could place this many sporadic thoughts into such a comparatively short blog, but I think I've done it. I credit the alcohol in my system with such an accomplishment.

Best of luck...

Take it easy, but strike hard [If I'm not going to, then someone has to]
Vaniah Schwenoha

So Yeah

21 September 2006 - 11:30 PM

It turns out keeping her off my mind is much, much harder than I imagined...

Over the weekend, I found a few songs that just fit me right now. They are "Worry About You" by Ivy, "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz, and "Goodbye My Lover" by James Blunt.

I think about her just as much now as before homecoming, if not more. Those songs give me that kind of feeling you get when you're with someone you love.

Is love too strong a word right now?

Here we go again, back to basing the extremity of emotion on time.

You should let me show you me.
You should let me love you.
Before the time comes that we go our separate ways.
Before I lose my mind.

My name is Vaniah Schwenoha, and I believe in hope.
I believe in chance.
I believe in love.
Could you believe in me?




On a separate page, I want to mention in here that I am registered to participate in America's Walk for Diabetes on Saturday morning. If you can spare the money, it would be much appreciated for you to sponsor me. Just search Durango, find my name, and click the 'Sponsor Me' button. Sponsor me and I'll... sing a song for you to the best of my abilities. Yes, the song can be of your choosing. No, I can't guarantee that you'll be thoroughly satisfied. Still, the money goes toward a good cause, and if you sponsor me, I'll wear a shirt during the walk that extends special thanks to you for your donation.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot.

Vaniah Schwenoha

You can’t avoid being on the receiving end 100% of the time

18 September, 2006 - 9:00 PM

Read on, dear children…

Eighteen days. So much has happened in the past eighteen days. I’ll try to pick up where I left off, but truth be told, I can only really remember the highlights of the past eight days…

School has been a bit tiresome. This is mostly my fault. Over the first weekend, I was supposed to compose a project for English in which I find quotes from famous writers or philosophers and use them to describe me as a person. Well, it wasn’t until the night before the project was due that I decided to start. It took at least five hours to find good quotes, select the ones I liked best, find pictures to match the quotes (some of which I took that night), and compile a video. It was lucky that I didn’t count on not having to present the next day, because after I managed to save a good file, the video editing program that I was using came to its 30-day trial period expiration. If I had waited another day, I’d have had to use Windows Movie Maker, which is much less efficient at editing, at least when it comes to picture slideshows. The best copy of the video that I could save is here. I actually liked doing this project. It would’ve been much better though if it didn’t leave me awake until 4:30 in the morning. The next day, I was able to get my hands on Chris’ laptop and present the video to the class. I received 100% because of the visual aide used.

Other than that project, I’ve just been procrastinating everything. My sleep schedule’s all fucked up. I tend to sleep in the day and work at night. I really need to find a schedule where I’m not winging it every night, scurrying to finish homework that should’ve been done days ago. I’m still not caught up in French, which, by the way, I totally forgot over the summer. Mitch, Mike, and I have made our best efforts to continue what is basically my only physical workout by going to SkyMania every Friday. I’d have to say that the first significant event since my last blog was when I asked Fran to homecoming. With it being the technological age, what better way to ask her than through MySpace? Haha! I couldn’t just leave any ordinary comment, though, so I went down to the store to get some Post-It Notes and cut together this video. I left her the comment on the Thursday before homecoming week, but didn’t get and answer until the next Monday because she had to talk to her parents about it. So what was her reply? Gee, why don’t you click the link to my MySpace on the side of this blog, view my pictures, and tell me =P

So now it’s the Monday before homecoming. As always, this means that it’s the day of the Powder Puff football game! I was a cheerleader again, since it’s always fun to make an ass of yourself in front of your peers and total strangers. Besides, I was there to cheer on my homecoming date, who played in the game =D

Like last year, I attempted and executed a new trick this year. I can now do a round off back tuck. Last year, I learned to do consecutive back handsprings. Justin and I also did this cool thing where we roll over each other. It sounds weird, but trust me, it looks hella cool. The cheerleading coach saw me flipping and asked me to come by one day and try tumbling with them. I’m still thinking about it. I need more stable time management first. The game ended in a tie, which I thought was extremely gay. I think it’s the first time in Durango history that that’s happened. We should’ve gone into overtime… After the game, Cody took me home.

I forgot to mention that last week, I was nominated by my Government AP class to be homecoming king. Voting for court was on that Friday, and voting for king and queen was on the following Tuesday.
I wasn’t on court =(
Fran was, though, which was pretty cool because she got a free ticket to the dance (I sound hella cheap here. Sorry).

Tuesday was the student-teacher kickball game, which I think we lost. I didn’t go. Wednesday was the student-teacher basketball game, which I also didn’t attend. I hear that the students won, but someone rigged the scoreboard to give the game to the teachers. Thursday was our first assembly schedule and pep assembly of the year. It was good overall, but very fast-paced. I understand that we only have about 35 minutes, but when you start singing The Star Spangled Banner while people are still walking in, I think you’re taking it a little too far. We got out a few minutes before the school day was supposed to end, anyway. Friday, we had what was called a pep rally in the courtyard. It turned out really shitty, and I hope we never do one again.

Here come the majority of activities, and in such little time. Right after school, I went with Chris and Billy to a movie. We saw The Black Dahlia. It was a pretty good movie. Afterward, I walked a few doors down to buy a corsage for Fran. Last minute = not such a good idea. Seriously, how smart was it to buy a corsage from a florist on Sahara and Fort Apache? After my purchase, we went to the tailgate party in the school parking lot. Here is where the night seems to fall apart horribly, though I still don’t feel all that bad about it for some reason.

Friday was a particularly windy day. So windy, in fact, that by the time we got to the school, the senior homecoming float was obliterated. It didn’t even end up getting driven around the track. Juniors won both float and hallway decorations. I didn’t feel like paying for the game, so I hopped the fence in one fell swoop. It was either here, when I was kneeling to take pictures of the game, or just stupidly watching the game while sitting that my PSP managed to leave my pocket. Near the end of the game, I noticed the soft case still in my cell-phone pocket, but the PSP not in the soft case. There went at least $350, not to mention the huge set of songs I had prepared to play in the hotel room on Saturday. Take that and factor in that we lost the game by a touchdown. Fran didn’t win homecoming queen. Ally LaRoque and Luis Marin were the king and queen. Overall, not such a lucky night. I still don’t know why I don’t seem to care that much. Hopefully I’ll have money sometime in the next year to buy a new PSP, haha…

It’s now Saturday. I set my alarm for 10:30, but didn’t get out of bed for at least another fifteen minutes. First task was to get the car washed. Who wants to wear a suit and drive around in a shit-covered vehicle? After I got home, I continued with a few more details on the car, and then showered at 2:00 to get ready because my mom was going to shower at 3:00 to get ready for work, and I wouldn’t have had enough time if I had showered after her, especially since I had to take her to work. After I did take her to work, I picked up Chris, my corsage, and then the night officially started when we picked up Nickie, Chris’ date for the night.

From there, we went to Lotus’ house, where everybody was supposed to meet to get on the party bus. Neither I, Chris, nor Nickie were scheduled to be on the party bus. Why were we there then? Well, I actually was scheduled to be on the bus, but so were Fran, Azaria, and Leon. It wasn’t until earlier that afternoon that we confirmed that none of those three were going to be able to get on the bus because of scheduling problems. Well, I didn’t want to leave Fran without her date for the majority of the night, so I pulled out of being on the bus. What about Chris and Nickie? Well, I’m the one that hangs out with Chris more than anybody else who was going to be on that bus, and because I wasn’t going to be on it, it would’ve been that much more awkward for Chris to be there, since he wasn’t going to drink or anything like that. Chris is discovering his transportation situation in the same way that you are, by reading this blog.

We still haven’t addressed why I was at that house. Well, like I said, it wasn’t until just a few hours prior that it became clear that there were going to be four less people on the bus than planned. So four times the $45 each it was supposed to cost… The group was short $180. This was in large part my fault because I assumed the group knew that Fran, Azaria, and Leon weren’t going to be on the bus. I felt bad for this, so I agreed to help make up the difference by giving Lotus $100 to help pay for the bus. After hanging out there for a little bit, Chris, Nickie, and I left and went to Fran’s house, where I thought I’d be picking her up. Things once again didn’t go according to my plans. We still have video of her walking down the stairs and of me putting Fran’s corsage on, but it was still decided that Fran and friend Kristen would be leaving the house in Fran’s dad’s Ford Mustang Cobra, which her dad would be driving. It was a bit weird driving around without my date, but hey, whatever. Everywhere else I went I was close enough to her =)

So, after taking pictures in front of an awesome car, we took off for the dance. I felt like a dick trying to keep up with a Cobra in my Explorer, but whatever. At least my car looked good – just washed =D
We were at the dance from 7:00 to 9:00, whereupon we left right after the first slow dance for our reservation at Ricardo’s for dinner. That was one of the funniest dinners I’ve been to. The highlight of it was when Azaria wanted to get a picture of her taken with her hands forming the initials ‘C.M.’ Well, from the front, your right hand is supposed to form the C. Azaria clearly thought differently, and we argued for at least five minutes on the matter, laughing the entire time. She still wasn’t convinced after we took a picture and showed it to her. Desperate, she called to the waiter and asked, “Is this a C?” while holding her left hand up in front of her. To this, the waiter replied, “That is a hand.”
We were almost on the floor in laughter =D =D =D
What was worse that when he actually did decide to cooperate, he took her side. Haha! Finally, we all agreed that your right hand is the one that forms the C. This is where Azaria tried to prove her point further by holding up her left hand and exclaiming, “Yeah! This is my right han…”
She was quiet after that for quite some time. Haha!

After dinner, we took a few more pictures in front of the restaurant, and then we left to go cosmic bowling. Chris Schroeder joined us then, as he had been bored all night. We had enough time to bowl one game. I broke 100, which pleased me, and what pleased me more was that the DJ played a couple slow songs, which left opportunity to dance with Fran more intimately…

When we were leaving the bowling alley, I decided to try something that I had seen in a video before. I’ll let you watch it here, and then you can read on. It was pretty cool, but I ripped my pants and slammed my knee pretty hard when I came down on the rigid metal platform. It was after that when the security guard who was standing at the bottom of the stairs checking IDs asked me if I was leaving. When I replied that I was, his response was “Good. Next time you do that, you’ll get cited for trespassing.”

I was still waiting for more friends to get down the stairs and discovering the hole in my pant leg when the security guard insisted I leave. So, I was pretty much forced to the door by a sour face, helpless to say goodnight and goodbye to Fran, who had to go to the other side of the building to get picked up by her dad. I tried meeting her over there after I got in my car, but she had left. When one of the bike cops saw me still driving around in the parking lot, he started chasing me down, as if he could’ve caught me if I were trying to escape. No matter. I was on my way out of the lot anyway, and he stopped following me when I got to the driveway.

I took Nickie home first, then Chris, and then I had unfinished business to attend to. I made my way up to Fran’s house and called her, which may not have been the best idea, considering I only have her house phone number. She came outside, no longer in her dress. We talked for a quick minute; I let her know I had a good night, and would very much like a good night kiss. Perfect end to a perfect night =D

After leaving Fran’s house just moments later, I picked up Mitch and Matzke and we headed to the Tropicana, where the hotel party awaited us. Yes, even though I paid for a bus that I wasn’t on, there was no way I was going to miss out on the hotel I helped pay for. Chris Schroeder was already there. There was tons of alcohol left, which we were still not able to finish by the end of the night. I actually ended up taking as much home as I could without looking too bulky in my suit. The room was in the perfect spot, as we were able to get a 270º view of the corner of The Strip and Tropicana. I took quite a few great pictures. Besides that, the party was… unforgettable. There were so many hilarious instances that it’s hard to recount them all. Here’s one that I uploaded. I may upload the others later, so keep an eye out on my MySpace.

I always manage to break something at hotel parties. Last time it was the bed frame, this time I knocked over a hookah and coal went everywhere, burning the carpet. Chris ended up breaking that hookah later that night. We went to sleep at about 4:00 AM and had to wake up at 9:00 to check out.

Whoo! I have officially deemed the night of September 16, 2006 as the best night of my life!~!~!

The couple days following that were not eventful at all in comparison, but I do need to close this blog with some clarification. Not knowing for a fact, but hopeful that I wouldn’t be pursuing any young women other than Franchesca anytime soon, I changed my status on MySpace to ‘In a Relationship’ last night. Well, today, Fran and I messaged each other, and she let me know that even though we got really close Saturday night, she isn’t looking now for a relationship, and that she was sorry if she led me on too much.

=/

Shitty, for lack of a better word, but not the crux of my virtues. If you will notice, the meaning of my blog title always comes near the end of the entry. If I were to take this extremely harshly, I’d be a hypocrite. In the past year, I have done the same thing to two undeserving young ladies that has been done to me. I’ve never felt good about it, but I tried to get on the same page as the other as soon as possible in order not to cause more emotional upset. As the general cliché of ‘What goes around comes around’ finally gets back to me, I get the same feelings as I inflicted on those two girls. This is why I again feel the need to apologize to Lilian and Chrissy for my misleading actions. You two may have forgiven me or forgotten about it because it’s not a memorable recollection, but I still want to say sorry.

There ends the fifth page of this exciting and joyous remembrance of one of the best weeks of one of the supposed best years of my life. I hope all of you who went to homecoming had just as great a time as I did, and if you didn’t go to homecoming, then I hope you are with me when prom rolls around and the night is even more memorable.

Take it easy, but strike hard.
Vaniah Schwenoha

Taxi!!!

31 August 2006 - 4:02 AM

This could be the most random collection of thoughts ever to enter my blog, so bare with me... Also, if I offend anybody in this blog, especially toward the end, I'm sorry. I just need to vent somehow on what I've been feeling...

Sorry I haven't written in three weeks (Wow. That's probably a new high score for me). It's just that... whenever I write in my blog about any type of relationship that might be building between me and another, it angers the Heavens, and all seems to fall apart before anything good ever happens. I suppose I'm ready to reflect on things now.

An hour and a half after I last blogged, I went to the indoor rock-climbing center with Chris, Michelle, and Michelle's brother to meet up with my brother and sister. Overall, the experience was good for the guests I brought, at least as far as physical health goes. Right before closing, I decided to start tumbling, since the ground there is cushy, and I usually have more confidence to do so. Well, I got a roundoff and three consecutive back handsprings in, but on the fourth back handspring, I decided to go ahead and attempt the full flip without using my hands. That was a bad idea, to say the least. I ended up not having enough time, and when my body came down to the ground, it landed on my left hand, which ended up being bent back extremely far, thus spraining it. It was sore and swollen for a number of days, and since then, I've just been trying to regain the strength it once had. It's almost back to normal. I'm not sure if I'm going to try any handsprings anytime soon, though I'd really love to if I knew I could.

The day after all that nonsense, I went to the mall with Chris and Sexton to buy some new shoes... I should probably mention here that earlier in the day, Michelle called Chris while he was at my house and broke up with him. Don't ask me for all the details. It's not my deal. You can read Chris' or Michelle's blog if you want more details. Okay. Back to the mall story... I bought a new pair of black shoes, as I always get, and finally bought a pair of white shoes for the first time since when I was a kid and bought my shoes at Payless. While I was in the DC store trying on these shoes, I couldn't help but admire how cute one of the employees was. I thought about it even after I left and bought a pair of basketball shoes at the Nike store that I could use to jump at SkyMania. Finally, just before we left the mall, I mustered up the courage to go back in and ask her if she wanted to come to Mitch's party the next night. She said she worked 'til 10:00, but that she would try to stop by, so I gave her my number and Mitch's address on a piece of paper.

Yeah, it's probably true that she gets that kind of thing a lot from people who are much more confident than me, and she probably threw that piece of paper away within ten minutes, but the point was that I had never just gone up to a total stranger and asked them for a chance to get to know them better. I did happen to catch the girl's name, as the employees have to wear name tags, and it was easy to remember because it was a variation of Cecilee, and you should all know what kind of issues I've made for myself with that girl. Anyway, her name was Cecilia, and for me to be able to spell it really helped when I went on MySpace that night and searched for her. I searched within 50 miles of my zip code. Ten pages of results came up. I clicked on each page so I could start at the end and just hit the back button as I looked for her, but luckily, on the last page, one of the results had a DC image for her headline. Bam! First profile I click and it's her. So yeah. I sent a few messages to this girl who goes to Eldorado High School (doh!) and still thought I'd have any way of dating her. Soon enough, though, we stopped sending messages to each other, and that was pretty much the end of that.

There's one woman for you. Another would be Cecilee again, who I was told had broken up with her boyfriend. A blog or two on her MySpace make it seem like she's heartbroken, but she still has pictures of her and him up and her MySpace still says she's in a relationship, so I have no idea what's up with her. When you really think about it though, we live more than ten miles away, and I have no idea if another long-distance relationship would work out. Besides... I know how hard it is to get back into the game after a heartbreak.

I finally got the right people to read this blog, but that really didn't do what I thought it would. In my last blog, I was trying to say that I knew and accepted that Mitch and Sarah were probably going to go out again. After they both read my blog, though, they backed off each other so they wouldn't upset me. Dur, I'm a retard. I suppose things worked out for the best in that situation, because both Sarah and Mitch are involved with other people at the moment, and both seem to be happy about it, especially Mitch =)

"So where does that leave you, Vaniah?"

Well, apart from all those stories of failed attempts at emotion, there is one lone girl who I've actually been talking to for a couple weeks, and she actually goes to my school, which is pretty cool. She was one of those MySpace friends who I added just because I recognized her from a few functions at school, but she's pretty damn cute if you ask me. One day, I replied to one of her bulletins, and in response, she let me know that she thought I was hot. Well, what a coincidence, because I think the same of her ;-) Anyway, we've been talking a bit, and though the last couple of weeks haven't presented the opportunity for us to hang out, I think things may settle in the next few weeks, what with school starting and all, and she and I will eventually bond. The wording in that sentence doesn't quite set right with me, but the thought puts a smile on my face nonetheless =D Have you met Franchesca Rivera?

Whew! All that just to tell you about my situation with girls. Moving on...

Mitch and I got drunk the other day with some friends. It was his first time in eight months and my first time since the first day of summer, and we made the most of it by hanging out and laughing our asses off. Soon, I'll post pictures we tried to take that didn't turn out as well as we had planned, haha!

I wanted to go to Starbucks in the morning at least once this summer, and I was planning on telling some people to go two days before school started. Plans changed however, when Jessica took it upon herself to tell everyone to go just one day before school started, as she was under the impression that it was tradition to go the day before school started. It has never been tradition to do that. My friends and I just went sporadically during the summer, for the sake of getting out of the house and hanging out with each other. That was years ago though, and our old rituals have faded. So Jessica invited some people, and it turned out to be okay, I suppose. I hadn't slept the night before because I was up drinking with Mitch, so when we got back to my house, I crashed for the rest of the morning. Everybody was gone by the time I woke up, and Jessica had left a note on my computer telling me how she thought Starbucks was a success... Well dur. It's not like we were launching the first rover to Venus. I wouldn't say it was a success because it's not supposed to be a task to get your friends together and have a good time. I just think it was nice to see some people and to joke and laugh with them.

Let's see... other significant events... The first day of school was today, and I thought it went rather well. I have some classes with people who I met through Mitch, which is pretty cool. I have some other classes with friendly new faces, which I didn't think was possible after three years at the same place. Also, some people are in my classes who haven't been in a class with me for three or four years. It's pretty sweet. I still have a conflict with my schedule, as I might be dropping Tech to take a fine arts class such as Photography. We'll see how that works out. I'm gonna have to really consider my options this weekend.

After school, there was an actual tradition to be carried out, and that was that I go with my friends to Baja Fresh for lunch as I always do after the first and last day of each school year, ever since the last day of eighth grade.

Okay. Here's where the blog might get offensive to some people.

The title. There's a reason for my blog title. It fucking sucks being the taxi. The part that bothers me is not the fact that I have to give my friends rides. What does bother me is that I'm giving them rides because they don't have licenses. We're seniors. Most of the people I give rides to are older than me. I've had my license for over a year now. Why have these people not gotten their licenses yet? I always hear excuses about how time didn't permit them to go down to the DMV and get their permits early enough and blah blah blah. You know what? Those aren't reasons. My dad's pretty busy all the time, and my mom sleeps in the day. But do you know how nice it is to be able to drive yourself around as you please? Do you know how hard I fought to get my permit and later my license? I knew that a license would mean freedom, so I insisted my dad take me as soon as possible for my permit. It's not like it's a great strain on the parent. All they have to do is sit in the waiting room for an hour or two and sign the consent papers. Then when it came time to get my license... I scheduled an appointment myself, and went in to test. When I found that I couldn't test because I had a brake light out, I was pissed. I could either reschedule for an entire month later or come in on standby the next day. Well, guess which one I picked... We got the car fixed that very day and I went to the DMV the next day before the place even opened, and I was still eighth in line. But you know what? It was fucking worth it. I don't have to ask people for rides everytime I want to go somewhere, and I love it. If there's one thing I made sure to prepare for, it was the freedom to drive. Get off your ass and get your license as soon as possible.

...Meh. I just needed to get that one out. I was thinking about it earlier as I drove people home. I had just been woken up, so it made me a lot crankier, and allowed me to really think about how ridiculous it is that I have to drive these people everywhere.

Alright. I think I hit most of my major points. The next few things will be short and very random, but significant in some way...

I go to SkyMania all the time and never really hurt myself there, but it was last week when I was playing Twister with some friends that I dislocated my knee again. I was pissed. I really need to see the doctor about that MRI I took.

If my mom gets caught up on all her car payments, my brother David will give me his old truck so he can buy a new car. That'd be awesome because it's only a two-seater, and I won't be the taxi anymore. I'll also probably get way better gas mileage than 15 mpg, like the Explorer gets.

On the way out of Wal*Mart, there was a new pillow still in its packaging just sitting in front of the car next to me. I now have a new, fluffy pillow =P

I didn't want to go to Terrible's to get my car washed because it never gets all the bird shit off the top of the car, so I stayed home and washed the car myself. It took a couple hours because I was being meticulous about it. Two days before school starts and I've got a freshly washed car. What happens an hour later? Mitch and I get back from Arby's and he decides to throw his cup of soda in the middle of his street. It must've hit the fucking top of my car, because when I went outside later, all exposed sides of the fucking car were covered with the dried soda. Mitch gave me $10 to get a new car wash, but it'll probably cost me $15, not to mention I didn't have a clean car for the first day of school. Thanks, Mitch, for being a fucking retard about that drink.

^Okay. That one wasn't short. Just another long expression of rage^

And last but certainly not least...

... When I fall asleep wrapped around my body pillow, I'm thinking of Fran =) =P =D

Take it easy, but strike hard.
Vaniah Schwenoha

Just Friends

9 August 2006 - 6:07 PM

Did you guys ever see that movie? It was good... Funny, too...

I guess I thought more people read this thing than actually do. You see, last night, I had some people over to go swimming. One of those people was Sarah. "That's good," you might say - at least, if you've been reading these things - but after you found out that another one of those people was Mitch, you'd probably tell me I'm retarded.

I was never that great of a flirt. It may have something to do with me not getting into a relationship with someone until after 7th grade, but whatever. It was apparent, however, that I wasn't my normal self last night. Chris saw it because he reads my blogs when he knows there's a new one and Sexton could see it even without knowing about my blog entirely. I suppose it didn't catch Sarah's attention because she was flirting with Mitch all night.

I thought to myself that this couldn't really be happening between them again, first of all because whenever Mitch isn't around, Sarah appears to be disinterested in him, and second because Mitch has been hung up on this girl Stephanie for the past few days. Now, don't get me wrong here. I do think Mitch is a pretty cool person overall because he's fun to hang out with and all, but when it comes to women, after watching his past two relationships, I just don't see him settling down anytime soon.

That's the way it went, though. When Sarah fell for Mitch over eight months ago, she fell hard, and since then, she hasn't really moved on, regardless of how much she looks like she has. All doubts were written off when I looked back at Mitch's conversation with Sarah last night after we took her home. Consider that a note to all of you that if you talk to someone on AIM and want to keep the conversation between the two of you, either ask me to move it or delete it yourself... Sorry for being a sneaky asshole, but at least we skipped the confrontation step.

So, straight from Bruce Almighty, that's the way the cookie crumbles. I'm sorry if you think that I shouldn't take this lying down, but to be honest, I've never understood the concept of fighting for a girl. If you're working extremely hard to win her over another, then you're trying too hard. You might want to ask me "What if she's the one?" Well, then she'd be able to see me for the loyal and caring man that I am - or at least try my best to be. A woman's choice between two men is hers alone, and she'll always pick the one that best fits her at the time.

Back to being the good friends we are.
Back to the drawing board.

I remember when I was a kid and my big brother was my influence. I remember when I played with action figures and Hot Wheels and such. I remember learning to ride a bike and how to rollerblade and how hard I thought it was going to be to swim in the deep end. I remember when the only love I knew was for my Sunday morning cartoons [because I remember never having gone to church as a child - that'd explain why I'm Agnostic, if you're wondering]. I remember when I didn't have girls on the mind all the time.

When can I love a woman like I loved my childhood?

It may sound odd to you, but before I go to sleep every night, I always end up wrapped around my body pillow. I always imagine myself falling asleep holding a girl. A lot of the time, it's not one girl in particular over and over again; just whoever is on my mind at the time. It's not until I take the time to write about it that I realize how many girls run through my mind. Meh, it's hard to explain.

I'm not depressed. I'm just bored with the single life.

Take it easy, but strike hard.
Vaniah Schwenoha

P.S. - Happy Birthday, Niki!

Clever lines to weave my web of thoughts

3 August 2006 - 11:27 AM

They say lightning never strikes twice in the same place...
Well, that myth certainly doesn't apply to car crashes. In the past two weeks, I've gone to pick up my mom from work in the morning and found that cars had collided on eastbound Flamingo just near The Rio. Two times, the accident was on Hotel Rio Drive and Flamingo and once it was a short distance behind on Valley View and Flamingo.

The worst drivers are Asians and women...
And that's why it's hysterical that the accident that involved three cars also involved two women and an Asian man.

Can't we all just get along?
Just because the accidents stopped doesn't mean there is no more tragedy in the world. I took my mom to the Gold Coast one morning to cash her paycheck, and while waiting outside for her, I watched three Asian men get into a fight. It seemed that they knew each other prior, but were very mad about something; I'll never know what because I just sat in the car and watched as casino security broke it up.

Do unto others...
Because I'd love it if my friend cooked me dinner and brought me and my girlfriend together. Of course, that would mean finding a girlfriend first. But, that's not what this section is supposed to discuss. I'll get to that later.

Chris Yi had a bad day about a week ago. His house got broken into and he spent the rest of the day at home because of it, thus making him feel unproductive. After hearing about it all, I thought it would be a good idea to do something to cheer him up. What better way to make a guy happy [without being gay] than food? So I went to the store, spent about $14 on two steaks, two potatoes, and a cheesecake, and stored it for the next day. Why enough food for two? Because my evil scheme also involved Chris's girlfriend, who apparently hadn't spent any time with Chris this summer. That part was a plus. Next was the issue of a table. As you may know, my house doesn't have a dining table. This is due to the fact that we don't have enough open space for a dining room. Meh. That meant that I'd have to go and borrow Chris Schroeder's dining table again, as I'd done it once to cook dinner for a girlfriend quite awhile back.

So as it went, I picked up Chris's girlfriend Michelle, had her keep me company as I prepared dinner, and set her up with everything ready in my brother's vacant room. Then I picked up an unsuspecting Chris, made idle conversation on the way over, and completely took him aback when I opened the door to my brother's room. The timing worked out perfectly for me to leave them alone, too, as Jessica had invited me to a movie that night. Of course, I forgot to tell them about the cheesecake in the freezer downstairs, but whatever. Needless to say, they were happy to spend time with each other again.

Ahh, yes... The apple tree scenario...
You'd only understand that if you'd ever read that analogy about how women are like apples on a tree and men are far too cowardice to work toward getting the best ones at the top. Now, I'm not saying that it's too much work for me to climb to the top [what with being a ninja and all, haha], but there does happen to be something obstructing my path: a gate. This is ironic because the same term will work in the analogy as in my actual situation. I've made many attempts at having Jasper hang out more, but either she truly is too busy on her own or she doesn't have any interest in me, so she makes herself busy in order not to have to tell me directly that I've got no chance. As for the gate, I'm talking about the one around her neighborhood that stops me from making random appearances in front of her house to spend time with her, since the only time she seems to ever have alone is at night. Anyway, the long and short of this is that it's too hard to try and keep up with someone's extremely busy summer vacation schedule. If she's going to keep giving me responses like 'maybe' when I ask her if I can take her to a movie sometime, then it's a bit hard to ever make plans for a date.

Secret Window
No, I never did see that movie. I just thought it was clever because you're staring at an application window right now [be it Internet Explorer or that cockface FireFox], and you're about to read on and discover what I've kept secret for quite a long time, at least in comparison to my entire life. What if I made this like a real journal? What if, instead of stumbling upon it under my bed, you found all thoughts and emotions right here on this page? And instead of having to sneak glances at it while I wasn't looking, you're able to read on and discover what really makes me tick just by being considerate enough to take time out and read this blog. The catch is that I'm going to ask you to be kind enough not to talk about what I write unless the person you're talking to has read it as well, and only of their own volition; not because you asked them to read it so you could both understand.

So now we're up to date. And the secret is this: Before I went out with Marlena, the choice in my mind was either her or... Sarah Fulco.

Surprised? If not, I'm sorry I'm so transparent.

Yeah, that's the shocker for today. After Marlena and I started going out, it wasn't long until Sarah started going out with Dallas, and I always wondered what would've happened if I had ever made a move on her instead of Marlena. Don't get me wrong; I was very happy with Marlena while we were going out, but after I was single again, I thought about it. And I think about it today. Meh. It's hard to describe how it's just a 'back of the mind' kind of thing.

Don't you love the 'what if's?

Alright. I think I'm done writing for now.

Take it easy, but strike hard.
Vaniah Schwenoha