Invisible

I'm not saying I don't enjoy the single life, but it does kill me when I make a conscious effort to interact with someone and they don't seem to even notice me. Thing is.. I was talking with someone before I moved back to LA, and things were going really well; we would text and talk to each other just about every day, and conversation was never one-sided. All of a sudden, I'm back in California, and every time I text her, she responds with two-word answers, as if to simply be responding because she thinks she needs to. What happened to you saying hi first every now and then, or even to the emoticons and space-filling 'haha's and 'lol's when we talked about anything even remotely amusing? I really am sorry I couldn't stay in Las Vegas to see how things panned out, but I hope you know I won't be gone forever, and when I visit during my upcoming vacations, I really would like to hang out with you.

Anyone close to me might be able to guess who I'm talking about right now, but in case not and in the case that you know this girl, I do just want to reflect on something I came across in the facebook news feed.

"thats something im def. doing right now. just going with flow. cuz i know the right person will go out of their way to me what ive been looking for. I dont want to waste my time assuming that whoever im talking to will do just that cuz it never happens. it will just happen i guess :) things are better when it happens unexpectedly anyway"

All I can think of when I see that is "How far is 'out of their way'?" Does 35 miles to the beach and a day spent with you in California count? If not, then perhaps trying to keep in touch with you from a city away, knowing I won't see you in person for the next three months, if not longer. It's selfish babble on my part, I know, especially when I ask you why we don't talk as much as we did before and all you say to me is "There's really not much to say."

...But I still can't help but wonder what could have been. So, here I stand - once again turning away from hope. School and timing and life have separated me from you, and in lieu of that, I am fully prepared and able to smile at the sky and look toward the next hopeful situation I encounter - be it with an individual, an opportunity, or a fortunate turn of events.

And for those of you reading along, I would love for you to be with me when I encounter my new happinesses.

~Vaniah Schwenoha

Back to college. Back to thinking...

...and possibly thinking too hard.

Have you ever noticed sudden changes in someone's mannerisms, or even in the way they converse and interact with you? Whenever I notice such changes, it always makes me wonder what in their lives has changed to yield their reaction. Has someone started talking to me because they learned something new about me? Has someone else stopped talking to me because of something I said or did? If so, why haven't they confronted me about it? Am I making things worse by asking why they're acting differently?

Obviously the case of someone ceasing interaction with you is more concerning than when someone increases interaction. I always want to ask "What's wrong?" but doing so usually brings an awkwardness with it, even if there wasn't something wrong in the first place. So then I want to just let things flow as they may, and even sometimes wait to see if the person in question will initiate a conversation with me instead of me having to start one every time. Though, when I think about that, I worry that there actually might be something wrong, and if there is, then there's a possibility that they won't ever initiate a conversation. Suddenly, I might be losing contact with a friend, and only God knows how long it will take to regain that connection with them, if I ever do.

To be continued...

A Day Late, A Dollar Short

The universe has awarded me this tendency of initiating and/or establishing relationships at the exact moment that it becomes too late for such a relationship to be worth pursuing whole-heartedly. It happened back in '06, when a girlfriend of mine didn't think we were close enough for us to survive a one-month hiatus while she traveled internationally. It happened in the summer of '08, after meeting someone in Las Vegas who I instantly clicked with, only to have to move back to Los Angeles a few weeks later. It happened in the spring of '09, when I met someone who would become my girlfriend, but our single month as a couple in LA wouldn't be enough to keep us together for the duration of the summer, while I was back home in Vegas and she was up north near San Francisco, and also traveling internationally for a month.

And now it recurs again, while I take interest in an old high school friend, but only days before having to move once again back to Los Angeles for my fourth year of college. Currently, I can only wonder when my residence will sit in one place long enough for me to meet, interact, and connect with someone. When will my time with someone be enough time to be ready for something?

That's all for now, I suppose.

~Vaniah Schwenoha