I was just out in my backyard lying on my now-broken diving board, trying to get a feel for the essence of how I've been spending my time this summer, and suddenly, a few things occurred to me. One realization was that this is the first summer in my high school career that I've been single for the majority of. Though I'm confident that being with friends has aided my situation, I suppose the days just seem longer when you're not with that someone special, but thinking of a potential special someone.
This brings me to my next thought: Jasper. I wanted to call her to talk, but knew I didn't know what to talk about. I realized I've fallen again for a girl who I knew three years ago, but the fact of the matter is that I've done so in the three days I spent with her this summer. I know nothing about who she is inside; about the intricacies of her heart and soul. All I know is that she's smart, pretty, and fun to hang out with. I suppose that's about as much knowledge as anybody has when they find themself attracted to another for the first time, if not more, but how am I ever going to find out if I really like this girl unless I engage in conversation with her more than I have been?
So I told myself I'd call her. I sat awhile and contemplated what I'd say to her to try and break open the shell of my thoughts and emotions. I'd tell her that it doesn't make me happy to sit on the sidelines and that I want to start being in control of how well I get to know someone. I'd tell her that I want to get to know her and find out if she is really the person I would like to imagine she is. I'd ask her where she is in relationships and why she doesn't want a boyfriend right now. If I scared her a bit a few days ago when I told her she makes me feel like she did when we were in 8th grade, I didn't mean to...
I called. The background was loud, and it was hard for her to hear me. We hung up because she said she couldn't talk at the moment.
So much for coming on strong =/
When will you hear me?
When will I just let myself go?
When will I just let my life flow?
When will my eyes clearly see
where my heart's supposed to be?
When will they hear me?
My final thought is this: I've been writing in this blog long and often enough. Significant doesn't usually come day-to-day; it comes with those momentous occasions that make you feel weightless and lively. I feel I've written enough daily entries to depict the way I lived in my high school years, and they will be sufficient to remind me of what has been deemed 'back in the day' by those who choose to reflect on their childhoods ['back in the day,' by the way, was a Wednesday, if you didn't know... lmao Dane Cook]. So, unless I find myself extremely bored in the future, I will most likely abandon my habit of writing about the many days I go to SkyMania and the times when people spend the night at my house. Instead, I will try to write about the days that I do something new or meet someone spectacular who has the potential to change my life forever, either in miniscule or extreme circumstances.
I feel good to have written a very meaningful entry in my blog. I hope to have more like this in the future.
Take it easy, but strike hard.
Vaniah Schwenoha
1 comment:
wow, I've rarely heard you say personal thoughts or deeply how you feel about something, at least in writing. It was nice to read. Always say what you feel, because you have to make the most of how you feel when you feel it. Don't be afraid to talk to her. I think she'd listen to what you have to say. Your writing came off very strong. This is very awkward wording, but thats what I had to say =]
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